Young Writers Society

Not sure why I decided exactly to posting this, but I am. I am posting this, because well, anything else I have written in the fanfiction department is pretty pithy-ish. Rated for blood.

fandom: Harry Potter

Paper Dolls

Chapter One: Helle Nacht

Cause this is thriller
Thriller night
And no one's gonna save you
From the beast about to strike
You know it's thriller
Thriller night
You're fighting for your life
Inside a killer
Thriller tonight, yeah
- Thriller, Michael Jackson


Blood. That's all that he could see. Blood. Crimson pools glistening darkly. He tasted it, breathed it, lived it; for they had broken his nose and shattered his ribs. He was drowning in it. Clean air was just a filtered memory, sanguine and bitters tainted every agonizing breath. He could even feel the tremble of blood down his back from where they hooked things into his skin. Absently he wondered how much blood one could loose before passing out, before death.

Another stab of pain rippled through him as the sharp toe of a boot sideswiped him. A grating, cruel voice spat out four seemingly separate words, “Werewolf. You still alive.”

He tried to call out in pain or even whimper but all that escaped his mouth was a rush of red. He choked on the ruddy carmine liquid, and it splattered all over the roughshod stone beneath him.

"Good." The harsh voice seemed satisfied, and distant, as darkness and oblivion finally kidnapped him.

(beat)

Belle watched through slitted eyes as they brought him in, bloody and broken. He was unconscious but alive. Belle sat with concealed indifference at her Master's feet. She had never met a werewolf before, she'd read about them, but never been this close to one personally. She was intrigued.

“Lucius.” At the sound of her Master's name she cocked her head slightly, turning her gaze from the werewolf.

“Yes, Mi-Lord?” Her Master spoke gracefully, years of good breading yielding a cultured tone to his voice.

“In lieu of such improvements on your behalf, I bequeath this half-breed to you and yours.”

Many of the other robed figures which seemed to have been eying the creature with sparkling eyes growled and protested at being denied this prize at Revels. Belle didn't pay their quips any attention, her full attention on her master. He had just acquired the werewolf.

Her Master looked down on her, and curled sculpted, pale fingers in the sun-shaded ringlets by her ear. “Belle.” His voice was soft as well, flowing over her like warm bath water.

She straighted, but was careful not to raise her eyes, “Yes, Master.” Her voice was light and waif.

“What do you think?”

Belle contemplated not telling her Master of her interest but decided against that. It wouldn't do her well to lie to him who knew all her secrets. “I like very much, Master.”

He smiled.

(beat)

“I think,” Lucius Malfoy spoke carefully, you just didn't go giving gifts out on compunction. “He would do well with you Pet.”
Belle's blue eyes lit up and she tilted her head slightly from where she sat on her knees at feet, and she told herself to breathe.

Her voice was low, as she tried to keep the surprise out of her voice, “Master?”

This was well written, thats for sure. A couple of things though: is this ment to take off from where the book left it?, because if so there are some inconsistencies. 1. Lucious Malfoy is in Azkaban. 2. Belle has seen and been in contact with a werewolf before...the one at the end of the last book, I cant remember his name.

And there's this quote:

“Werewolf. You still alive.”

"Werewolf. You still live" or that could be "your still alive."

Jiggy is right, but... well... if you're going for slang, then you want to indicate that it is a question. Why? Because the words would naturally get higher as the word goes through. Thus the question mark at the end. I'm being utterly obvious and repetitious...

“Werewolf. You still alive?”

He tried to call out in pain or even whimper but all that escaped his mouth was a rush of red. He choked on the ruddy carmine liquid, and it splattered all over the roughshod stone beneath him.

Okay, first of all, I have very strange hobbies. I research science articles, so I am extremely geeky, etc., etc. The first thing I thought of was not of blood but of the red pigment from beetles. Geeky? Yes. But when you say ruddy carmine liquid, then that's the first thing that comes out of my mind. Weird huh?

So, depending if other people thought of the same thing, you might want to change the wording. Otherwise, it might just be me being a geek. I'm not sure yet, lol.

“I think,” Lucius Malfoy spoke carefully, you just didn't go giving gifts out on compunction.

You switch to second person there and it sounds weird. What do you want to say? Then relate it to what Lucius or Belle is thinking, not to "you."

I thought the (beat)s were kind of weird. Normally, if you have something strange like that, you would have it three times, but you have it only two. So it sort of ends in a jerked fasion.

Also, I would probably get rid of the parenthesis. An italicized fragmented word is a lot more catchier than any word in parenthesises.

Hmm, yes, I should probably clarify time line *pounds head into desk*, silly me. AU, as Lucius is out of Azkaban, and also I think you have confused Belle with Bellatrix Lestrange, stupid me for choosing such a similar name. Belle is an original character.

Jiggy, thanks for pointing out that quote.

I am going to change it to "Werewolf. You still alive?", methinks.

Snoink, hehehe, strange hobbies, well that makes two of us. Whoa, no, that's really interesting, definitely changing that description. Yeah, the beats were thrown in at the last minute, trying out something new rather than just a - or * for scene change. Thanks for the notas on that. Ugg and that sentence needs revising, I didn't even catch that on my first edit.

Thank you muchly, cheerios. CL.