Young Writers Society

It’s cold out here. Shivering cold. I can hear my teeth chattering, talking nineteen to the dozen. Miles and miles of snow. The sky is dark. The only thing I can see out are the three moons- Charon, Nix and Hydra; vivid, dazzling, alluring, one just below the other. Every winter, When the great sun has turned his face away, The Pluto goes down into a vale of grief, And fasts, and weeps, and shrouds herself in sables, Leaving her wedding-garlands to decay -Then leaps in spring to his returning kisses.

Strange. Very strange. Not the planet, but the people. They are dwarf, about half my size. We, Oompa Lompas are dwarf. But they are more dwarf. They have Elongated face with just an eye in the middle of their forehead, and a nose and a mouth with Hair like structures from their forehead touching the ground. They are red. I mean deep red, like blood.

One of them comes towards me. He Bows. I bow back. I bend down on my knees. He seems friendly.

“Hula hula! Hu hu!” I am expressionless. I didn’t understand.

“What?” I ask him.

‘”nu ca ma fer gsa munda” I didn’t know what to say. I nod my head.

He holds my hand and pulls me to somewhere. I follow him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Oompa Lompa!” I was busy cleaning the room and dreaming.

“OOMPA LOMPA!” I hear someone screaming and pulling my hand.

I turn my head and I am frightened to see Willi Wonka. I am also angry at him. He wakes me up from such a wonderful dream.

“Yes sir!” I salute him.

“Do you know what this is?” Wonka questions, showing me a bowl full of jelly like substance.

“By gum, its gum”

Wonka happily but sarcastically said “wrong! It’s the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.”

“What’s so fab about it?”

“This piece of gum is a three course dinner. I want you to take it to the invention room” He replies

“Invention?” I ask doubtfully

Wonka tells me “invention, my dear friend, is 93% precipitation, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation and 2 % butterscotch ripple.”

“That’s 105%” I am confused.

“Yes, now go.”

Weird guy! He has lost his mind. I pull up the wagon and lift the bowl on it.

“Fast” Wonka shouts at me.

I hurried to the invention room.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I kept on walking without a question. There was no use of questioning. They didn’t understand my language. People were staring at me. I was an alien to them. I didn’t know about what the people were taking. But I was sure it was about me. They have this dubious expression in their eyes.

Castle. It’s a castle. I was dumbstruck. It was magnificent, stunning. It’s made of crystals of ice. I feel like I am in paradise. I stop to admire its beauty for a moment. As I took the first step inside the castle, I am impress by the people who made it. It has a great architecture. I saw people sitting in two horizontal parallel lines. In between them the lines, at the other end, I could the king. I guess it’s the king because he is sitting on a huge throne.

“mee hafa kand manda” the people who brought me speaks to the king.

“hula mula sime dehpaas gohja ma soo” he king replies

Everybody rose from their chairs, even the king. They bow to me. I bow back, not knowing what else to do. The king came to me, takes off his crown and puts it in my head. It came as a bombshell to me. I was flabbergasted.

The king takes me and points towards the throne. Maybe he wants me to sit on the throne. My joy was no bound. I take my first step towards the throne. This is my kingdom, my empire. Everything is so perfect.

The first thing I’ll do here is remake the floor of the castle. I am finding it really difficult to walk on the steps towards the throne since it was made of ice. Alas! I slipped.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

SPLASH! All the liquid gum, splattered on the floor. Everyone gave me this worried look because they knew Wonka’s madness and his anger very well. Everyone can here his footsteps. All started praying. I did it too since I had no other options.

“What have you done?” Wonka screams as he marches towards me.

“Sorry sir. Sorry.” I was nervous.

“You ungrateful little creature. You ruined my formula.”

“Sorry. Please forgive me. I will clean it up.” I beg.

“You are forgiven.” I am surprised. How come he is so gentle?

“But………”I saw the mischief in his eyes. Whenever I get such a look from Wonka I remember those kids who came to visit him and just one kid went back home normal. All the others landed in some trap.

“But what?” I ask

“But you will have to try out my new chocolate I have made today. I don’t know how it is. So you have to tell me.”

Why God? Why? All his new invention generally misfires at the first place. The examples of this are the kids. Violet turned into a blueberry trying to taste one of his gum. Mike tries to use Wonka's chocolate teleport machine and ends up shrunken to about 6 inches high. I m doomed. Somebody save me.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The crown came tumbling down my head and landed on the ground in bits of pieces.

Very interesting, never would have thought of the idea of making a fanfiction for an Oompa Loompa in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory! I'm a little confused with the structure, is it the dream in every other segment? I understand and can sense Wonka's madness. However at the very end you got the characters mixed up I'm afraid...Violet turned into a blueberry because of the gum you previously mentioned. And Mike didn't necessarily try his chocolate, he was just obsessed with television and the idea of being transported to the screen.
However, those are trivial aspects to your piece. I applaud you for the creative topic and your imagination

If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.

Interesting story, definately unique! The flow was interrupted a little because letters were missing sometimes and the tenses kept changing. Nice description in the starting paragraph, it drew me in, so I wanted to read more. But later on there seemed to be little emotion. There needs to be more depths to the story. Even as he's panicing about having to be a test subject, I really just can't feel it. The tone stays the same as if he were taking a nice walk, or maybe somewhat sleepy. But perhaps that's just the type of chracter he is. Okay, more nit-picks.

They only thing I can see out are the three moons

I think you meant 'the only thing', not 'they'.

vivid, dazzling, alluring just one below the other.

Here, there should be a comma after 'alluring', and I think it would work better 'one just below the other', rather than 'just one below'.

They are the only elements that shadows up the darkness in the night sky.

I just couldn't make sense of this sentence. I think it's missing some words or something.

deep red like blood.

Comma after 'red'.

One of them came towards me. Bowed. I bowed back. I bent down on my knees. He seems friendly.

Okay, so before this, you've been talking in present tense. But this paragraph changes to past tense, then back to present tense at the last sentence. You need to choose a tense and stick with it. I noticed the tense switched back and forth a lot throughout the piece.

“What?” I told

Did you mean 'told him'? And if you did, the character is actually asking him something, not telling him something. Maybe rephrase this? make sure to end with a puncuation mark, like a period or question mark, depending.

cleaning the room and dreaming

Needs a period.

I saluted him

Another missing period.

Wonka questioned showing me

Comma after 'questioned'.

Wonka happily but sarcastically “wrong! It’s the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.”

Did you mean, 'Wonka happily, but sarcastically said," Wrong!' ?

Wonka told

I think you're missing a 'me' here.

People were starting at me. I was an alien to them. I didn’t know about what the people were taking. But I was sure it was about me. They had this dubious expression in their eyes.

So, I like the wording here. It gives us the reasons he suspects that they're talking about him, rather than just saying that he thinks they're talking about him, you delve a little deeper into his thoughts, which is good.

This is my kingdom, my empire. As I took the first step towards the throne, I tripped.

I liked this part, too. Everything's going perfectly, then he suddenly trips. The sentence just pops out, like I didn't suspect it to be there. Adds some variety. Good attention grabber.

SPLASH! All the liquid gum, splattered on the floor.

I liked how you merged the ending of the dream section with reality.

The crown came tumbling down my head and landed on the ground in bits of pieces.

Nice ending!

Well, a good start, I can see some potential here. There needs to be a lot more character development, though.

Good job and good luck! Keep writing!

<..> Kat

Ok, I liked the idea you had writing a story about Oompa Loompa's, but your story was very confusing and hard to follow. You also kept changing you're tenses and describing things that didn't really serve any purpose, like going on and on about the moons (beautiful description, by the way) that you never mentioned again, and not bringing up any other scenery.

It’s cold out here. Shivering cold. I can here my teeth chattering, talking nineteen to the dozen. Miles and miles of snow. The sky is dark. They only thing I can see out are the three moons- Charon, Nix and Hydra; vivid, dazzling, alluring just one below the other. They are the only elements that shadows up the darkness in the night sky. Every winter, When the great sun has turned his face away, The Pluto goes down into a vale of grief, And fasts, and weeps, and shrouds herself in sables, Leaving her wedding-garlands to decay -Then leaps in spring to his returning kisses.

I can, is present tense, and here should be hear. The description is confusing and vague, for example; the only elements that shadows (should be shadow) up the darkness. . . the whole description of the moons and planet just pulls us away from the story. I'm not sure what you meant by sables.

Strange. Very strange. Not the planet, but the people. They are dwarf, about half my size. We, Oompa Lompas are dwarf. But they are more dwarf. Elongated face with just an eye in the middle of their forehead, and a nose and a mouth below it. Hair like structures touching the ground. They are red. I mean deep red like blood.

Ok here you change the tense from present to the past (they are), also the sentences describing them should flow smoother, . . . a mouth below, with hair like. . .

One of them came towards me. Bowed. I bowed back. I bent down on my knees. He seems friendly.

This part is very choppy, you could change it to something like . . . came toward me, and bowed. . . also you change your tenses here again, came, and seems are different tenses, so you should pick which tense you want to write in and stick with it. This problem is all throughout your story, but I won't point out anymore, you can go back later and fix them.

“What?” I told

I don't think you finished your sentence.

He caught hold of my hand and pulled me to somewhere. I followed him.

where is 'somewhere' this could use more description.

Wonka happily but sarcastically “wrong! It’s the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.”

I think you left out some words here, what did Wonka, happily but sarcastically do?

Making a mysterious formula, Wonka told “invention, my dear friend, is 93% precipitation, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation and 2 % butterscotch ripple.”

This sentence just doesn't make any sense, I thought the formula was already made, and you need a, me, after told.

Why God? Why? All his new invention generally misfires at the first place. The examples of this are the kids. Violet turned into a blueberry trying to taste his chocolate. Mike tries to use Wonka's chocolate teleport machine and ends up shrunken to about 6 inches high. I m doomed. Somebody save me.

The examples you give don't coincide with the movie, and I didn't know if you wanted them to, Violet didn't get turned into a blueberry from tasting his chocolate, but his gum.

All in all a fun little story, with a little bit of polish could be extended upon. Good luck, have fun, and keep writing!
~Zanna Shepherd

Interesting theme ! Amazing Creativity !

I found the descriptions in the first paragraph beautiful. The last paragraph could be given a look though.

I did find some mistakes.

One of them comes towards me. He Bow’s. I bow back. I bend down on my knees. He seems friendly.

I think it will be 'He bows' and not 'He Bow's'. There is no need of an aprostophe.

“What?” I tell him.

I think ask here will be more appropriate here.

He holds of my hand and pulls me to somewhere. I follow him.

I think you meant 'He holds my hand'. The 'of' isn't needed here.

“OOMPA LOMPA!” I heard someone screaming and pulling my hand.

Am not so sure about this. But I think 'hear' will be more apt than 'heard' here.

People were starting at me.

You must have meant 'staring' here.

That is all.

Admire your creativity.

Gud job and Gud luck.