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Fri Jul 29, 2011 5:02 am
Mickixoxo says...



Excited chatter filled the great hall as students impatiently waited for the first years to be sorted. My heels clicked together on the swirling marble floor as I nervously looked around. The eyes of hundreds of students wandered around the heads of first years, picking out which newbies would be in their house. Flickering candles floated high above everyone's heads and the ceiling displayed the dawning of night. The last fireflies of the dwindling summer lit up and flew through cool darkness.

But this wasn't diminishing my frustration.

When was this school year going to actually start?! Waiting, waiting, waiting, is that all you ever did around here? And when exactly are you supposed to meet people, because everyone I'd been around so far just kept to themselves. Although, I guess I did too....

I shifted my weight to one foot as an older lady with graying hair walked through the door behind the Professor's table. She greeted everyone as the loud voices dimmed down and formed into hushed whispers. A sigh of relief escaped from my lips as I looked up expectantly at the Headmistress.

With a worn, old hat in one hand and a long list in the other, she calmly called out names in alphabetical order.

Lucia Alfred

I clasped my hands and nervously awaited for my name to be called. It wouldn't take long, that was for sure. The people were sorted fairly quickly, some without an ounce of hesitation.

Albert Bentley

A deep breath. My fate was almost before me. Just a few more names and I would be the center of attention.

“Evelyn Cross.”

The name seemed to resonate within the large room and echo off the walls. I took one more deep breath, letting the gulp of cold air dance in my lungs before slowly exhaling. Calmly, I stepped up to the small wooden stool.

Professor McGonagall lightly placed the tattered hat on top of my head and stepped back. Like a whisper of a thought, the hat began to speak only to me.

Ah, yes. What a familiar feel. You've got a great power within you, a great power from a great lineage.

My eyebrows scrunched together. “What do you mean?” I thought.

You've got the blood of a great wizard running through your veins, oh yes, a great wizard, indeed. You could do great things in this school, powerful things. A head like this, I haven't been placed on a head like this since Gryffindor himself.

“Gryffindor, himself? You've got to be joking. I'm nothing special, merely a commoner bothered by a sea of owls.” I crossed my arms. In all my eleven years, I'd never heard such balderdash.

Not joking, never joking. Though I'm a hat, I still have my pride. As the ancestor of Gryffindor, there is simply only one place to put you. You're brave, loyal, and spirited. Yes, only one place indeed.

The hat shouted out the name of my new house and an eruption of cheers echoed through the hall. The table of gold and red welcomed me and finally, I wasn't alone anymore.

Gryffindor was, for me, finally a place that I could call home.
Last edited by Mickixoxo on Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Jul 29, 2011 5:30 am
Iggy says...



Mi amore ;)

I liked:
1: The picture in the beginning. THAT catches the readers attention!
2: The descriptive imagery! You described theGreat Hall beautifully! Well done; excellent imagery makes teh Ariel happy~

To be honest, it was too short. You could've made it last longer, given further insight to her emotions. I felt it happened so fast, too fast; it left me craving MOAR! Why would you do that to me? WHY?!!!!!!! D: xD

All in all, I liked it. Good luck! ;)

- Ariel<3
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Fri Jul 29, 2011 8:43 am
senseiawesome says...



I have to agree that it did seem... short.

I felt like it ended abruptly. Well, maybe not so much abruptly, more like it went by very quickly and I didn't know how to react when it ended. I felt that it also kind of kept an unsteady pace, maybe contributing to the feeling of it ending suddenly to me. I really enjoyed reading this, however, not just because Harry Potter is that awesome =P

Just one nit-pick from me

My heals clicked together on the swirling marble floor as I nervously looked around.


It should be 'heels', the part at the back of your foot =P

This honestly made me think back to reading Harry Potter for the first time, a very good sign =)

I would've preferred to hear more about Evelyn at this point because of what the Sorting Hat said and the last sentence, but that's just me.

The Sorting Hat sounded the same as always =P. I really, did enjoy reading this and hope that you do continue with this in some way =)
'This could possibly be the best day ever, but the forecast says that tomorrow will likely be a million and six times better.'

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:15 am
Cailey says...



This was great!! It was very exciting and brought back my desire to watch a Harry Potter movie or read the books. :) Also, I loved the character. She was so nervous, like all new kids to Hogwarts, but at the same time she seemed brave and fearless. When she stepped up to get sorted you wrote:
The name seemed to resonate within the large room and echo off the walls. I took one more deep breath, letting the gulp of cold air dance in my lungs before slowly exhaling. Calmly, I stepped up to the small wooden stool.
At first I didn't like the word calmly, but now, I think it fits her. She seems very calm, despite knowing the this moment is the beginning of her life at Hogwarts. It really was a great story, I loved it! Please, do keep writing on this, somehow!
I clasped my hands and nervously awaited for my name to be called. It wouldn't take long, that was for sure. The people were sorted fairly quickly, some without an ounce of hesitation
You forgot a period at the end of this. :) Only mistake I saw though.
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

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Sun Jul 31, 2011 1:04 pm
goalfish100 says...



Hey there!

I'd haven't got anymore nit picks really as everyone else seems to have covered them, although in general you have managed to use correct grammar and punctuation so well done for that!

Just a few little general things though. Firstly it never mentions the name of your character. I don't know if this was the intention. For me, this makes it harder to connect with the character and throughout reading it I was just waiting to find out who this character was. We don't even know the gender. All we know that he/she is a relative of Godric Gryffindor. But I'd have liked to have known his name.


I agree with the other comments stated you could have made this longer. You've given plenty of information about the room, but how did the character get there? Describe the emotions a little more.

Lastly, it was predictable that your character was going to be in gryffindor and have some sort of connection with that house. By the explaination at the beginning you gave it away.

Other than that you have made a very good job, and your use of vocabulary was perfect.

Good job!
  





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Mon Aug 01, 2011 3:32 am
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Tictac268 says...



Geez, this is amazing! If it was an actual book, I would be the first to buy! You rock at writing!!!
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