Young Writers Society

I noticed no-one really commented on this post under the Harry Potter thread, so I figured it would be best posted here since I wanted to know if there were any ways to improve it.

Everyone arrived on the grounds for their first flying lesson, it was a bright sunny day and the breeze couldn't excite anyone more as they all looked towards Madam Hooch.

Madam Hooch was an old but fairly confident looking woman who stood before them with spiky grey hair, her eyes were yellow and almost hawk like. Her goggles were hanging out of her black trouser pocket - they looked like they had been used alot. She wore a white button-down collared shirt with a black neck-tie, her long black cloak wisped behind her as a gust of wind blew gently upon the grounds.



"Well, what are you all waiting for." she barked. "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."

It took precisely thirteen seconds for everyone to get next to their brooms, Madam Hooch smiled.

"Because I don't want a repeat of what happened last year, I want you all to wear what muggles call, "a helmet". The Slytherins were confused and some students looked puzzled.

"A Ravenclaw, by the name of James Flannigan had a problem with his broomstick - his broom started whacking him in the head senselessly until I removed the enchantment from his broomstick. Some Slytherin, thought this was an amusing practical joke which ended up having James with a cracked skull in the hospital wing."

The Slytherins sniggered as the first year Ravenclaws looked stunned - the rest felt nervous either that or were not listening. "Everyone put on your helmets, as for anyone who gets any bright ideas of enchanting brooms to do things that they aren't supposed to, I've personally asked the head of Slytherin to keep an eye on her students."



Mafalda's eyes brushed over the Slytherin faces. Mafalda was young, she had a certain beauty that seemed to make others feel more comfortable around her than the previous head of Slytherin. She twisted her brown hair nervously, not knowing whether to believe that her students could have enchanted one of the brooms whilst she wasn't looking. She wore unusual clothing for a Slytherin: a purple top and blue jeans with a black cloak... she had always disliked her house uniform. She nodded as the students all looked down to see a helmet had appeared next to where they were standing, all that could be heard were students clicking on their helmet straps.

As Madam Hooch looked across to the Slytherins she noticed someone who was folding their arms without a helmet on. "If you prefer, I suppose I could ask Filch here to lead you back to your dormitory..." Filch looked up with a snarl, the Slytherin then quickly put on his helmet. "I thought so" some of the students giggled. Filch's eyes were grey and had thin grey/brown hair. He wore a grey trenchcoat, a brown jacket with a white shirt and black tie. He wore black trousers, keys could be seen dangling from his belt as the caretaker stormed off, shortly followed by his cat: Mrs Norris, "Ungrateful students!"



"Alright, now that everyone has their helmet on please walk up to each of your broomsticks, when you have done so, stick your right hand over the broom." Madam Hooch paused so that that everyone could get into position, "and say 'Up'"

Everyone then started shouting up, some students having difficulty getting their broom to move let alone hit them on the head, luckily the helmets took most of the impact, although it didn't prevent the students from falling over in surprise. Some managed it without a problem, one of them jumped up and down saying, "I did it! I did it!"

Madam Hooch then proceeded to teach everyone how to mount their brooms, making sure that everyone's hands and feet were positioned properly and correcting them accordingly.

"Now I will blow my whistle and once I have done so, each of you are to kick off from the ground, hard... some students find a running jump got them into the air faster - although they then ended up stuck in the trees, nasty bruises mind you." said Madam Hooch. "Keep your brooms steady, once you are in the air I want to see you as high as Greg is right now." A Hufflepuff waved, nearly falling off his broom.

"Once you reach his height I don't want to see you showing off, I want to see you leaning forward and heading back to the ground. Now since we don't have time to see every student fly, land and cheer... we're going to have you all fly in groups of eight, starting with..." Madam Hooch then randomly selects two people from each house. "Don't worry if you mess up, we have a couple of our quidditch players on hand to make sure you don't go hurting yourself."

"Three--Two--One--" Madam Hooch blew her whistle...

Hey W0lfbane, let's have a look at this (very!) short story!

1. Description

The first thing I noticed, which was obvious because it wasn't there, was detailed description. Now you don't have to overload the reader with pages and pages of it, but just because you can imagine what Madam Hooch looks like doesn't mean that the reader can too. It might be a long while since the reader has read the Harry Potter series, so you should at least give some information for them to work on -- perhaps the important aspects like her cloak, her hair colour, facial expressions etc.

Everyone arrived on the grounds for their first flying lesson, it was a bright sunny day and breeze couldn't excite anyone more as they all looked towards Madam Hooch.

This is the sort of thing I'm talking about -- you've got the setting in some sort of perspective, but it would be even better if you expanded on this a bit more. The Harry Potter world is a vivid place -- you need to write description to match it!

2. Action

I'm not sure if you've heard the old writing advice of "Show, don't tell". It's important because readers react much better to events happen as they read, rather than events that have already happened as they read. Madam Hooch's anecdotes, whilst slightly amusing, are not actual action! If you want to engage the reader, then the conflicts and actions of the characters must begin and end *within* the sphere of your story. Otherwise it's like reading a story about some things that happened somewhere else, and that's hardly engaging fiction.

3. The danger of fanfiction

Ok, in my eyes, the biggest danger you will face in writing Harry Potter Fanfic is that you will forget to be original. I don't think this has quite happened here, but the danger is ever-present, and you should be aware of it! Just reusing Madam Hooch and Filch with practically the same dialogue as in the real Harry Potter books won't give your story the extra zing it needs to make it truly magical (see what I did there? ).

Why not take the opportunity to create some new students! Give the reader someone to identify with -- the students are just a nameless mass of Slytherins, Ravenclaws and... that other lot. Readers like characters who they can feel for and empathise with -- see if you can work that into this story.

Overall

I believe I've said earlier that this is very short, but in a sense that is a good thing. The benefit is that you can now add to this story without having to cut loads out of it to make room. And, if you have a chance, I think you should. This could be vastly improved with more description, action, and characterisation -- you've already got a nice little scene here, but the readers want adventure and something a bit different from the same scene they've already read about in the first book.


Charlie

Okay, let's have a look of what you have said:

Hey W0lfbane, let's have a look at this (very!) short story!

A story doesn't need to be long to interest the reader.

1. Description

The first thing I noticed, which was obvious because it wasn't there, was detailed description. Now you don't have to overload the reader with pages and pages of it, but just because you can imagine what Madam Hooch looks like doesn't mean that the reader can too. It might be a long while since the reader has read the Harry Potter series, so you should at least give some information for them to work on -- perhaps the important aspects like her cloak, her hair colour, facial expressions etc.
Everyone arrived on the grounds for their first flying lesson, it was a bright sunny day and breeze couldn't excite anyone more as they all looked towards Madam Hooch.

This makes the presumption that the reader has read the Harry Potter books, if they haven't or forgotten the character then I'll add this as a brief paragraph.

2. Action

I'm not sure if you've heard the old writing advice of "Show, don't tell". It's important because readers react much better to events happen as they read, rather than events that have already happened as they read. Madam Hooch's anecdotes, whilst slightly amusing, are not actual action! If you want to engage the reader, then the conflicts and actions of the characters must begin and end *within* the sphere of your story. Otherwise it's like reading a story about some things that happened somewhere else, and that's hardly engaging fiction.

I actually object to what you have said: tonnes of fiction stories have described what has happened by allowing the character to "narrate" - this allows not only for their input on what happens but it adds a little what do you writers call it? Oh yes, personality... rather than going on how a student got hit with a broom and involving a load of characters no one is familiar with - it's better this way.

3. The danger of fanfiction

Ok, in my eyes, the biggest danger you will face in writing Harry Potter Fanfic is that you will forget to be original. I don't think this has quite happened here, but the danger is ever-present, and you should be aware of it! Just reusing Madam Hooch and Filch with practically the same dialogue as in the real Harry Potter books won't give your story the extra zing it needs to make it truly magical (see what I did there? ).

Why not take the opportunity to create some new students! Give the reader someone to identify with -- the students are just a nameless mass of Slytherins, Ravenclaws and... that other lot. Readers like characters who they can feel for and empathise with -- see if you can work that into this story.

All fan-fiction has this problem, true but I'd imagine the reader isn't exactly bothered that the dialogue is similar - after all it's supposted to be those very characters that you have read about - how would you like it if we turned Voldemort into a muggle, Harry into a cat and Ron the headmaster of the school - it hardly makes sense now does it? Nor does it seem like it is more original than what is written in the books... fan fiction is what it is - there's no changing that.

Overall

I believe I've said earlier that this is very short, but in a sense that is a good thing. The benefit is that you can now add to this story without having to cut loads out of it to make room. And, if you have a chance, I think you should. This could be vastly improved with more description, action, and characterisation -- you've already got a nice little scene here, but the readers want adventure and something a bit different from the same scene they've already read about in the first book.

Well actually I think you'll find that this doesn't even happen in any of the harry potter books... sure you read similar things like harry potter getting followed and attacked by a cursed bludger, Madam Hooch teaching students how to fly their brooms and Slytherins causing mischief and mayhem. I mean what do you expect to happen? A load of dementors to appear on the quidditch pitch? There we go again you see: no matter what I add it's already been done before.

As for adding more characters: this was originally intended for other people to post on and add to the story but since no one commented I had nothing to work with. I might add more characters later but it might take a while for me to come up with names, personality and why they want to learn how to play quidditch.

Thanks anyway.

this was well thought out but i found some spelling mistakes "occordingly" is supposed to be spelled "accordingly". i was confused as too who left with Filch. you said the slytherin did something and filch took them back to the dorms. i was confused there and multiple other places. next time you write, please make it a little more clear as to what is happening at the current time. but other than all that, this was very creative and well written. so keep up the good work

this was well thought out but i found some spelling mistakes "occordingly" is supposed to be spelled "accordingly". i was confused as too who left with Filch. you said the slytherin did something and filch took them back to the dorms. i was confused there and multiple other places. next time you write, please make it a little more clear as to what is happening at the current time. but other than all that, this was very creative and well written. so keep up the good work

Thank you for your feedback, I have fixed the spelling mistake - that was the only one I found at least... feel free to point out any more... although, I think you have not read what I wrote properly:

Filch looked up with a snarl, the Slytherin then quickly put on his helmet. "I thought so" everyone giggled as Filch walked away

Seemed clear enough to me at least =/ If there were more than one person I would have said something along the lines of:
And then Filch took the Slytherin back to his/her dorm. (Although it wouldn't make sense here since the Slytherin put his/her helmet on).

Hai Mark! Okay so I thought I'd post my comments here so that I can refer to the story and stuff. The first thing I noticed is that somtimes your sentences miss out words or get a little jumbled up. I'll try to point this out as I go through the line-by-line...

Everyone arrived on the grounds for their first flying lesson, it was a bright sunny day and the breeze couldn't excite anyone more as they all looked towards Madam Hooch.

Madam Hooch was an old but fairly confident looking woman which who stood before them with spiky grey hair, her eyes were yellow and almost hawk like. Her goggles were hanging out of her black trouser pocket - they looked like they had been used alot a lot. She wore a white button-down collared shirt with a black neck-tie, her long black cloak wisped behind her as a gust of wind blew gently upon the grounds.

It took precisely 13 thirteen seconds for everyone to get next to their brooms, Madam Hooch smiled.

"Because I don't want a repeat of what happened last year, I want you all to wear what muggles call, "a helmet". The Slytherins [Why would the slytherins all moan? Try to avoid inaccurate generalisations. Most of them would be pure-bloods so they'd be the most likely to all be confused.] moaned, and some students looked puzzled.

"A Ravenclaw, by the name of James Flannigan had a problem with his broomstick - his broom started whacking him in the head senselessly until I had got rid of removed [Remember she's an intelligent adult so she needs to speak more professionally.] the curse, some Slytherin thought this was an amusing practical joke which ended up having James with a cracked skull in the hospital wing."

The Slytherins sniggered as the first year Ravenclaws looked stunned - the rest felt nervous either that or were not listening. "Everyone put on your helmets, as for anyone who gets any bright ideas of enchanting brooms to do things that they aren't supposed to, I've personally asked the head of Slytherin to keep an eye on his [Ooops! Don't you mean her?] students."

As Madam Hooch looked across to the Slytherins she noticed someone who was folding their arms without a helmet on. "If you prefer, I suppose I could ask Filch here to lead you back to your dormitory..." Filch looked up with a snarl, the Slytherin then quickly put on his helmet. "I thought so." some Some of the students giggled. Filch's eyes were grey and had thin grey/brown hair. He wore a grey trenchcoat, a brown jacket with a white shirt and black tie. He wore black trousers, keys could be seen dangeling dangling from his belt as the caretaker stormed off, shortly followed by his cat: Mrs Norris, "Ungrateful students!"

"Alright, now that everyone has their helmet on please walk up to each of your broomsticks, when you have done so, stick your right hand over the broom." Madam Hooch paused so that that everyone could get into position, "and say 'Up'"

"Three--Two--One--" Madam Hooch blows blew her whistle...

Careful not to change tense!

Alright so this isn't a bad start but you should try to describe it more. There's plenty of details of people but not much of their actions or the scenery or the tone of voice etc. There's a lot that goes into building the atmosphere - you could also vary your sentence length more as you didn't have many short sentences.

I can't comment on the plot yet as it's too early but maybe add some more action to make it more exciting! And take away some of the safety. Having Quidditch players there and so many teachers makes it too 'safe', it's no fun if we don't get to see some people falling off brooms and get that great sense of danger that comes with uncontrolled magic!

Hope this helps!

Heather xxx

Thanks Heather, I made those corrections and I'll look into how to make the story more "action-driven".