Young Writers Society

It was a quiet day within the household of the Riveras. The halls boomed loud strikes of silence, with just the sound of the wind pushing against the rustling branches of the tree that stood right outside of the window to fill the house. Everything was calm, yet shaken... Shaken by the slow and lasting trembles that came from the mourning woman who sat upon the leather couch, with hands folded tightly that rested on her lap, staring at the cracked candle settled on a traditional dish ontop of the glass coffee table that has yet to be lit by the warmth and tenderness of fire.

The silence was broken by a faint whisper that had escaped her lips. "I could have done something...", she let out. "Why did I just-" She came to a hault to have closed, tucked trembling lips to stop herself from crying, as her eyes started to water. She took a calm, deep breath and continued, "My own blood...". She brought her eyes away from the cracked candle to her folded hands. Slowly unfolding them, she looked at the imprint of lines on her palms, slowly scanning down to her wrist where she found a blood vein visible. "A life...", she whispered once more.

Her hands started to shake as she continuously stared. Her eyes slowly widened as she began to replay the three words she previously said.

My own blood
My own blood
My own blood...

She brought herself onto her feet, off of the leather couch, still staring at her hands. The expression of her face changed to what defined the epiphany she had reached within her revolving mind.

My blood, she thought again. She put her hands down to her sides and began to slowly rotate to view all of the possessions that were kept in the house. Such precious possessions with memories, precious all the more.

"My son...!" she gasped. "They took him", she choaked as her tears were getting the best of her. "You took him!" she cried, as her hands became clenched fists. "You took one of my own!" She turned to the wall to her right and banged her left fist onto it with much force and anger. She then did it again, but this time, with her right fist, repeatingly taking turns with each fist, banging on the wall.

Her hands became tired and she slowly fell to her knees, leaning her head against the wall. Tears silently trickled down her warm, rose-colored cheeks. She rose her head up to the ceiling. "Why did you do this?" she asked. There was another cold silence within the house. "Why did you take him away from me?", she asked with more aggression. "My own son! A boy who has done nothing but followed you! A boy who has done nothing but asked for life while lying on his death bed!" she exclaimed with force and a louder, more firm voice.

She brought her hand in the air and pointed towards the ceiling. "You monsterous being, you! You TOOK LIFE FROM ME!" she screamed with such hate. "YOU WILL NEVER FOOL ME AGAIN! You make my blood boil! You are no almighty! You are the Wicked, itself!" she continued as her hand started to shake again. "Curse you and all of those who believe in you!"

More tears began to fall as all of her energy was put into her screaming for the loss of her son. "He no longer BREATHES because of YOU! He is buried within the depths of his own ashes because of YOU!"

She brought her hand down to chest, over her heart, and clutched her shirt tightly. She brought her head down, facing the floor, with closed eyes and continued to cry.

Okay first off I have never seen the movie. So if you forgive me that, I would love to give you a review…

It was a quiet day within the household of the Riveras. The halls boomed loud strikes of silence

Okay so this part doesn’t make much sense. You can’t use “boom” or a loud noise to describe “silence”. They are to completely different things so I would try to describe it in a different way.

The halls boomed loud strikes of silence, with just the sound of the wind pushing against the rustling branches of the tree that stood right outside. of the window to fill the house

Most of this sentence is not needed. We already know it is a house; sine you started off by telling us it was the household of the Riveras. And whether it is by a window or not is not important so chop it.

Everything was calm, yet shaken...

This doesn’t work. How can it be calm and shaken. It can’t. It is one or the other. You could say, “Everything was silent, but underneath that silence was…” or something like that. Bad example but hopefully you get what I am trying to say.

Everything was calm, yet shaken... Sshaken by the slow and lasting trembles that came from the mourning woman who sat upon the leather couch, with hands folded tightly that rested on her lap, staring at the cracked candle settled on a traditional dish ontop of the glass coffee table that has yet to be lit by the warmth and tenderness of fire.

Okay so the second shaken should not be capitalized. Also this whole paragraph is one sentence and a lot of it is fragments. You should chop it up, make a couple of sentences, and add some clear subjects and verbs. Also “on top” is two words

This sentence has a LOT of information, and needs to be broken down. It is just a barrage of words at the moment, but if you break it up into more manageable pieces of information then the reader will be able to follow and understand.

Also cracked is not needed. It is a candle, and we don’t care if it is cracked.

The silence was broken

This confuses me because there is no silence. You have just describe the wind howling, and the branches shaking outside. So… what is going.

She came to a hault to have closed

First off it is “halt”, and what did she close?

She brought her eyes away from the cracked candle to her folded hands.

Slowly unfolding them, she looked at the imprint of lines on her palms, slowly scanning down

Try not to use the same words so close together

She brought herself onto her feet, off of the leather couch, still staring at her hands.

Cut the middle part. Since she is standing we already know she isn’t on the couch, and I would change the beginning of the sentence because it doesn’t really flow. “She slowly stood to her feet,” or something like that would help it flow better.

She put her hands down to her sides and began to slowly rotate to view all of the possessions that were kept in the house

"They took him", she choaked

Should be choked

She turned to the wall to her right and banged her left fist onto it with much force and anger. She then did it again, but this time, with her right fist, repeatingly taking turns with each fist, banging on the wall.

You are saying the same thing repeatedly in this and it is hard to understand. Cut some of the words and redo it. Here is an example. “She turned to face the wall on her right. Raising a fist into the air she began to beat against it. Taking turns with each fist, she continued to pommel the wall in anger.” Just an example. It’s shorter, and breaks everything up, but also clearly states what is going on.

Her hands became tired and she slowly fell to her knees, leaning her head against the wall. Tears silently trickled down her warm, rose-colored cheeks. She rose her head up to the ceiling. "Why did you do this?" she asked. There was another cold silence within the house. "Why did you take him away from me?", she asked with more aggression. "My own son! A boy who has done nothing but followed you! A boy who has done nothing but asked for life while lying on his death bed!" she exclaimed with force and a louder, more firm voice.

I liked this paragraph. There are still some things in there you could tweak, but overall it had a lot of emotion and feeling behind it. You could feel her confusion, anger, and rage. Well done.

You are the Wicked, itself!"

[/quote][/quote]

I liked where you were going with this whole thing, and then you through in this line. It’s not horrible, but wicked just seems like a poor choice of words. Say Satan, or deceiver, or some word we would recognize and relate to better.

Wow that was a very powerful piece. You had a lot of emotion and rage, especially towards the end there. You could tell the woman was angry and hurt, and I liked how you ended it with her just on the floor.

My only comments would be to watch your grammar, and how you describe things. There is nothing wrong with being creative, but when you use words like “booming” and “silence” together they don’t really work. Also commas are fun, but periods are SO much better so use them more to help chop up and bring flow into your work. Good job, I really enjoyed your piece.

Thankyou for the very descriptive review I used "booming" and "silence" together because I was confused if whether or not I wanted to make this into a poem or not lol I was too connected with my poetic side so I added it in, thinking it would have some symbolic meaning in it, not realizing how contradicting it is.

But anyway, thankyou once again

Hello, let's begin.

unknownlover347 wrote:It was a quiet day within the household of the Riveras. The halls boomed loud strikes of silence, with just the sound of the wind pushing against the rustling branches of the tree that stood right outside of the window to fill the house.

This line is too long and contradictory. Remove 'silence,' and you will fix the contradiction. You immediately go on to describe a sound, silence implies complete absence of sound.

Everything was calm, yet shaken... Shaken by the slow and lasting trembles that came from the mourning woman who sat upon the leather couch, with hands folded tightly that rested on her lap, staring at the cracked candle settled on a traditional dish ontop of the glass coffee table that has yet to be lit by the warmth and tenderness of fire.

So again this is too long. Break it up. The description is rather lovely, it shadows the prior event of the ladies sitting. You shadow a past scene well.

The silence was broken by a faint whisper that had escaped her lips. "I could have done something...", she let out. "Why did I just-" She came to a halt to have closed, tucked trembling lips to stop herself from crying, as her eyes started to water(Cliché). She took a calm, deep breath and continued, "My own blood...".

Her hands started to shake as she continuously stared. Her eyes slowly widened as she began to replay the three words she previously said.

My own blood
My own blood
My own blood...

She brought herself onto her feet, off of the leather couch, still staring at her hands. The expression on her face changed to what defined the epiphany she had reached within her revolving mind.

This last line is awkward. I get the feeling it is one of your darlings but you really must get rid of it because it is a little misplaced and doesn't make a great deal of sense, nor does it evoke an image.

My blood, she thought again. She put her hands down to her sides and began to slowly rotate(is this the right word?) to view all of the possessions that were kept in the house. Suchprecious possessions with memories, precious all the more.

Great story inspired by a great movie. Your writing is sound. It could be a little stronger, though. At times you repeat yourself and waffle on about seemingly unrelated observations. You need to keep focussed. But it was really good so well done. Keep it up.

JP

Yo! Flamingsaucybunnypup, here to review. ^_^

The halls boomed loud strikes of silence, with just the sound of the wind pushing against the rustling branches of the tree that stood right outside of the window to fill the house.

DON'T CHANGE THIS. Seriously. I love the booming "loud strikes of silence" imagery. It's perfect, leave it alone.

Everything was calm, yet shaken... Shaken by the slow and lasting trembles that came from the mourning woman who sat upon the leather couch, with hands folded tightly that rested on her lap, staring at the cracked candle settled on a traditional dish ontop of the glass coffee table that has yet to be lit by the warmth and tenderness of fire.

Long sentence! That's ok, though. I tend towards long sentences, myself. :3 Still, this could probably be two sentences. If you were to do that, I would separate it between "lap" and "staring". If you wanted to keep it all one sentence, use less description for the glass. Something like-- "staring at the cracked candle settled atop the the glass coffee table, yet to be lit by the warmth and tenderness of fire." See? It's mostly the same, but it's not as bogged down. Also, "ontop" should either be two word, or you should change it to "atop".

She came to a hault to have closed, tucked trembling lips to stop herself from crying, as her eyes started to water.

I would change this: "She came to a hault; lips closed, tucked, trembling; to stop herself from crying." Something like that. (Remember, these are suggestions, and you should play with the phrasing until you're satisfied.)

She turned to the wall to her right and banged her left fist onto it with much force and anger. She then did it again, but this time, with her right fist, repeatingly taking turns with each fist, banging on the wall.

This wording, this phrasing is so much more simplistic than the rest of the piece, so it feel out of place. I wish I had a suggestion, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it... as-is, it's still good, it just seems a break from the descriptive imagery you've been using.

she exclaimed with force and a louder, more firm voice.

....no. Probably, "she exclaimed, voice rising with every word." Something like that.

"You monsterous being, you! You TOOK LIFE FROM ME!" she screamed with such hate

It should be "monstrous". Also, the last phrase should be something like, "she screamed venomously". Again, the rest of your piece is so descriptive that this pales in comparison.



I actually like the repetition of "My own blood". Some people don't, though, and I think that's what the previous reviewer was referring to. I agree with him on the omissions before, though, and although I like the sentence after it, he does have a point.

As for "rotate", I like it. Keep it.

Final thoughts:
Wow, this is so emotional! It's wonderful, really, you did a fantastic job on this. I love your imagery, as I pointed out; I just think you need to be more consistent in using it. You can do it! You have a great piece here, it just needs to be revised a bit.

I haven't seen Gran Torino, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment of this story. Excellent job on that! To me, the mark of a good writer is the ability to draw a person in, no matter what they know of a story, or where they start.

Thank you so much for posting this! I really enjoyed reading it.