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Young Writers Society


Story 6 (Part 2)



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Gender: Female
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Wed Sep 21, 2011 1:23 am
JudyG710 says...



Windu called, “Hello boys.” One of them returned, “Greetings Sir.”
“Looks like you three have a new general. I would like you all to meet, Jedi Knight, Judy Gunyar.” She stepped out from behind her Master and beamed at the soldiers.
“Hello,” she greeted. They didn’t answer her. They just stared at her through their helmets. She shifted her weight to her other leg, trying to figure out what the troops were thinking. “Everything all right guys?”
The trooper in the middle turned to the brother on his right, gesturing for him to say something. He replied, “Everything’s fine General. We just, honestly, weren’t expecting our general to be so… beautiful.”
“Aw. Thank you,” she acknowledged, fighting back the blood that tried to rush into her cheeks. He returned, “You’re welcome.”
“Would you guys mind taking off your helmets? I want to see your faces.” Taking off his helmet, the second trooper spoke up, “There’s nothing much to see General. We’re clones, we have the same face.”
“Oh my.” No doubt that they were a handsome bunch. The first trooper to speak looked like the average soldier, save for the way he smiled. Judy didn’t know what it was, but she could see something special in his smile. His eyes darted up and down, taking in every detail they could about their new general.
The middle trooper, unlike his brothers, didn’t have any hair. But he did have a tattoo of the Republic symbol on his right cheek, and an X-shaped scar under his left eye. The Knight also noticed his fingers drumming on his armor, keeping a steady rhythm as he studied her.
And the third trooper seemed to appear very much like the first, apart from the fact that he had his clone number tattooed on his neck. She could hear the soft tapping of his foot, the beat seeming to coincide with his brother’s pattern.
She shook her head, disagreeing, “I don’t think you guys are clones. Brothers- yes, clones- no. Sure, you have similar features, battle skills, and knowledge. However, you have different styles and personalities. Like the way you cut your hair, or your lack of hair.”
She grinned at the second soldier. He laughed quietly.
“The tattoos you get. The way you design your armor, your names. Even the way you do things makes you different. So in my eyes, you’re definitely not clones. You’re brothers, and I can’t wait to get to know you all.” They smiled and thanked her for the comments. Her Master bade, “That’s your general for you. (chuckle) Well, I believe I’ll leave you four to your matters. Good bye.”
“Good bye Master. May the Force be with you,” his past apprentice bowed. He turned to the troops and restated, “Good bye. May the Force be with you.”
“May the Force be with you too Sir,” the first returned. Once the Jedi Master had departed, Judy faced her troops and smiled again. She asked, “So, please state your names and ranks.”
“CC-0714, General. I’m the captain of this unit,” the observant trooper introduced.
“CT-03-0918. Weapons specialist,” his rhythmic brother added.
“CT-19-2120. Medic official,” the to-the-beat soldier finished. Judy nodded, “Okay, good. But what are your names?”
“We don’t have names yet General,” CC-0714 told.
“Really? Okay, then I guess I’ll have to help you with that. And please, unless we’re in battle, or discussing battle, or something like that, please call me Judy. Now, if it’s all right with you boys, may I help try to give you names?” They glanced at each other and nodded. “All right.”
She stepped in front of the captain, looked up at him, and beamed. “Could you tell me some things about you? Like anything you like to do in your spare time?”
“Well, I just do the usual things my brothers do in our spare time. Just practice some battle techniques, go to the archives, a couple other things.”
“Hmm. Is there something in particular you’re really good at?” she gathered.
“The guys keep telling me that I’m kind of a geography nut. And I do admittedly go over the galaxy’s different terrains and plan out different strategies based on the terrain more than the others,” he confessed.
“Geography, huh? Hmm… What do you think about ‘Geo’? Captain Geo.” He thought it over and beamed his special smile. He noted, “I like it. Thank you, Judy.”
“You’re welcome,” she appreciated when he called her by her name. She then went over to CT-03-0918. “Let’s try you now. Would you tell me how you got that scar?” He informed, “Training accident. While these guys and a couple other of our brothers in this battalion were trying to hold off some of the training dummies, I led some other troops into the middle of the crossfire. A droid malfunctioned and whacked me pretty good a couple times. That’s how I got the scar.”
“Interesting. Glad you’re all right… Crossfire,” the Knight proposed.
“Crossfire?” He gave an approving nod. “Nice, very nice. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Finally, the Knight faced CT-19-2120. “Now we come to you.” She looked into his eyes and hers immediately widened. “Wow! You have a really handsome sparkle in your eyes.”
“I do?” He gave her a questioning glance. It wasn’t really common for a trooper to get compliments on his eyes.
“Yeah. I mean, your eyes shine so bright, I bet they could light up a star. And I think that’s a great name for you.”
“What is?”
“Starlighter,” Judy concluded.
Whether it was because of his ‘sparkling eyes’ or not, he was proud of his name. “Wow. That is great. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. See? Your names each represent something special about you. What makes you different. There are no clones here. I don’t even think there’s an army here. I think there’s a family here. And I would be honored if you’d allow me to be a part of it,” the Jedi revealed.
Geo answered after a quick glance at his brothers, “Well, we’d be honored to have you in our family, Judy.” Their friend praised, “Thank you. Now, if you guys would excuse me, I have an entire cruiser of brothers to meet. Perhaps I could catch up with you at dinner?” Crossfire agreed, “Of course. We’ll see you then Judy.”
“May the Force be with you.”
“As with you,” they replied concurrently. They watched her walk through the hangar to some of the other troops. Starlighter mentioned, “General Windu wasn’t kidding when he said she wasn’t like other Jedi.”
“No doubt. I definitely have never heard of any other general putting so much thought into our names. And they sound kinda cool too. Geo, Crossfire, and Starlighter. How awesome are they?” Crossfire grinned. Captain Geo murmured, “Don’t know many generals who wear dresses like that.”
“I don’t know any. Except for Judy,” the medic put in. Crossfire concurred, “Same here.” They then left the hangar to find the hologame table.
"Always believe in yourself. Do this, and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear." - Baron Humbert von Gikkingen
JudyG <3
  





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Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:00 pm
Soulkana says...



Hey sweets!! Here to review!!!

Well I must say this is much better than the first but you're still lacking in the emotional parts. Show us what they're feeling add a little bit more descriptions to it. Like the following:

Windu called, “Hello boys.” One of them returned, “Greetings Sir.”


Why not put something like: As Windu entered the room he spotted a group of boys(or whatever they are suppose to be) standing within. "Hello, boys." He greets, courteously. One of the boys turns to him and greets, "Greetings, sir."

Add some descriptions. Give a setting of where and why they were there. What's going on outside and around them? Is it hectic with people running all over in haste? Or is it somewhat desolate with little people? Are they there early or later?

Not to sound too depressing but I think this has great potential, Judy. You just need to work on adding in descriptions and feelings. But other than that this was fantastic. I hope this helps and if not just come PM me or post on a wall or in chat and I can help ya. Good luck and may you receive many helpful reviews. Keep up the amazing work, imouto-san.
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:31 pm
DarknecrosisX says...



Very well done, a nice piece of introductive, descriptive writing. I could definitely learn from the amazing dialougue in this! XD

Anyway time for a couple of nitpicks...
1. Dialougue. I liked the way it flowed nicely, but dont forget to start a new paragraph each time the conversation changes hands.
2. I'm not a massive star wars fan but i'm sure a Jedi can percieve the feelings of others. Mabye you could of mentioned how Judy could detect how the troops felt emotionally.

Aside from that, i'm impressed, keep up the good work!
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  








The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
— Helena 'HG' Wells, Warehouse 13