Young Writers Society

Death’s Final Claim.

The clashes of gears and chains deafen,
Forcing memories back, I’ve always lived in,
Of gashing wounds, seeping soul,
A mental parasite, never whole.
Those days I regret taking lives,
Faces bonded like pierced knives,
Repeated whispers of last breath,
Pulling me nearer to desiring death,
Never asleep without infection,
Never awake without depression,
Undiscovered words might explain,
The coldness, pity, hate, and pain,
Dominating me, a controlled toy,
Extinguishing flickers of hopeful joy,
So giving up, I follow the same,
Route my victims took. Death’s claim.

Written after finished the book ‘The Outsiders’. It moved something in me, or should I say lifted, since I feel lighter because the weight of fearing death has been passed on.

By: Toe

Over all I enjoyed the piece. The imagery is bold and dark and I live for stuff like that. The imagery was stronger at the begining, but that is ok because it set the scene. I do have a few technical notes. The first is that there were a LOT of commas. This piece had commas like gingers have freckles. It made me pause a lot while reading it and that interupted the flow quite a bit. So I would definitely review that. Also you may want to try more direct images

Those days I regret taking lives,I don't understand this comparison at all, it made me wonder how a knife could be pierced or what the knife was piercing or whether or not the knife just stapled the faces together.
Faces bonded like pierced knives,

The mood is dark and gory in a lot of ways, but don't get caught up in trying to set this tone to the point where your comparisons dont make sense.
Other than this I really enjoyed the piece. Keep it up

Thers

Wow. A very good portrayal of your idea with a poetic sort of flow to it. It's definitely got an eerie kind of sound to it and is sort of cynical and disturbing, but I get the feeling that's how you meant for it to be. The only suggestion I will make is that in this line...

Toe wrote:Pulling me nearer to desiring death,
Never asleep without infection,
Never awake without depression,

Try switching out 'Pulling' with 'Dragging' or some other synonym of the word.
Never asleep without infection... please explain that a little further? Infection of what, where, why? It was confusing.

Toe wrote:Those days I regret taking lives,
Faces bonded like pierced knives,

I must agree with the commenter above me that this line does not make sense. Taking whose lives? Knives do not pierce together. Nor can a 'pierced knife' be compared with a 'bonded face'. What do you mean by bonded face?

Toe wrote:Undiscovered words might explain,

'Untold" "Unspoken" or "Unknown" might be better words to describe this.

Toe wrote:So giving up, I follow the same,
Route my victims took. Death’s claim.

"route my victims took' is a bit of awkward wording, I suggest revising and rewording that line.
Anyway, Keep writing!

Hi Toe! I have a friend named finger! Seriously.......awkward.

Death's Final Claim, you said it was inspired by another piece right? It seems that that piece is a fantasy or war action because of the way you narrated the poem. In my opinion, this piece is some kind of equal-equal, let me elaborate:

Content:
I love the word choice. Your theme seems to be close to dark fantasy but your word choice was closer to bloody sci-fi. I think it gives some sort of variation. I can't conclude it as bad because they all fit together. Great work!

Theme & Concept:
I think the best part of your piece was the concept. In your work, you developed a sense of escape and freedom from all these cruelties and annoyances you speak of. And the only way to escape is...death (oohhh). That's why I love it . You need this chance so much that you can even sacrifice your life. Noble. These are my favorite lines:

Repeated whispers of last breath,
Pulling me nearer to desiring death,
Never asleep without infection,
Never awake without depression,

It emphasizes the troubles you've been through that anyone can have. I've had those sleepless nights too, and as I reader, I think it's great to find someone who is like you.

Technicality:
I think this verse is a bit weird:

Those days I regret taking lives,

From this line, it meant "I regret killing people in the past", meaning you're not regretting now. I think the true meaning you want to exemplify is "I regret killing people from the past." So I would either change the words or add some punctuation.

You did a great work in this field because I easily understood you're lines, meaning they are both creative and expressive.

Overall:
Ha! I love your poem! Emotional and frank; brave and undoubtedly cold. Also, I like the reason why you did this piece . Keep writing and good luck,
Al