Young Writers Society

The clouds fall from the sky
In pieces, soft, white
covering the ground
In a chilly blanket, not
Too deep, and not
Too shallow,
Just perfect.

Hey there.

I'd say that this poem has a lot of potential, as short as it is. It's got the potential to be memorable and strong.

What I'd say, though, goes like this.

In the second line, I feel like it would read better as "In pieces, soft and white," with the comma included at the end to connect it (grammatically) to the continuing clause in the third line. The beginning word of the third line ought to be capitalised (and it might just be an honest mistake on your part) to fit in with the rest.

I also think with the "not too deep, and not too shallow, just perfect", the structure could be more... streamlined? As it is, the structure is at the point where I as the reader tilt my head to the side and say "what were they doing here?" Perhaps cut the lines as "In a chilly blanket,/Not too deep/And not too shallow;/Just perfect." (And yes, I changed the comma after "shallow" to a semicolon, since "just perfect" feels more separate, and the comma after "deep" felt out of place to me.) It's your choice, this is just what I'm thinking, taking a glance at it.

With the message, overall, it feels a little... fluffy. It's looking at the playful and bright side of snow instead of the destructive side, and I can see that it's meant to be lighter and more comfortable like that, but it feels like a ten-year-old wrote this when asked to write about their favourite form of precipitation. It's light, bright, fluffy, pretty, which might just not be my style. Maybe it feels perfect to someone else, just not me.

I'd have to say, though, I absolutely love the first two lines for their imagery.

The clouds fall from the sky I feel there should be some sort of punctuation here, don't you?
in pieces, soft and white
covering the ground
in a chilly blanket, not
too deep, and not
too shallow,
just perfect.

So, in the third line you didn't capitalize the first word (which, I've been told is the correct way to do it) so I un-capitalized the rest for you, too. :p

Other than that, I think this poem is really pretty, if not too short. The last three lines are a little shallow, though. They describe the snow but not deeply, like the rest of your poem seems to. See if you can work on that? Maybe use a thesaurus.

Anyways, nice poem, Shay

Keep writing,
Nixy

Hey there, Chibi!

Snow is such a wonderful thing to write about. And it's great that you've provided for a scenery that is so simple and calm which really brings out that peaceful, beautiful quality of snow. This could have been a lot more expressive and descriptive, though, since you've missed out on so much.

Firstly, you've made a poem that is short with very little wording and very limited descriptive quality. So the order for the day should be to make it linger in the mind of the reader so that the poem is memorable. And because you've made it such a small size, I should expect it to have the same power and grasp as any other moderately lengthened poem.

But unfortunately, this affair comes out quite boring and slightly drab in comparison to how great it really could have been. You see, for the poem as a whole, what message it's trying to tell me is that snow falls on the ground and settles.... and that's it. Apart from that, the imagery and emotion (despite being quite subtle in effect), doesn't do well enough to pull me in and get me interested.

The clouds fall from the sky

You start off the first line very plainly. When I read that first line, I don't quite sense the need to look forward to the rest of the body of the poem since it just lays the image out there to lie. And it gives out the impression that you're not trying hard enough. But nevertheless, you've managed to send the point of the sentence across.

In a chilly blanket, not
Too deep, and not
Too shallow,

The sentence structure doesn't really match with the flow. If it were :--

In a chilly blanket
not too deep
and not too shallow,

Here, when read aloud, makes it sound more streamlined and better suited.

So on the whole, it looks like a half-hearted effort and too bland to be remembered and cherished. Try using more descriptive imagery and make scenes that involve vivid imagination with snow. Talk about the unique crystalline sort of unique shape that each snowflake possesses. Or even talk about how the wind gently caresses the blanket of snow and forms waves of delicate frost along the ground. You could have also delved into a more personal aspect where you could recount an experience that you held involving snow. So much prospect, really.

But don't be discouraged. This was a great idea and still has beauty, even though not as amplified as it could be. I'm sure there will be people who appreciate this type of subtle, soft and minimal poetry. It's a great effort, nonetheless.

So I'm looking forward to reading more from you and hope that you keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Hey Chibi!

I think, for this particular piece, you don't have enough descriptive imagery. I mean, this is so short that you need to bring out all the descriptive imagery that you can get. So, what did you do?

The clouds fall from the sky
In pieces, soft, white <-- this is kind of cool

covering the ground <-- this is kind of obvious/boring

In a chilly blanket, not <-- this is a cliche that has been over-used to describe snow, yes.

Too deep, and not
Too shallow,
Just perfect. <-- This is you reinterpreting "Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

So! Be a little more creative. i like the direction you were taking with your first two lines... all you need to do is make sure that you continue that path and make your images as startling as you can!

Best of luck.