Young Writers Society

A whisper in my ear,
A nod of a head,
I get up and go backstage,

I hear the crowd,
Applauding for the song,
Just finishing before me,

I walk out onto the stage,
And scan the crowd,
Finding familiar faces,

It's opening night,
And all I feel,
Are butterflies in my stomach,

It's opening night,
And all I see,
Are the blinding lights before me,

It's opening night,
And all I hear,
Is the beginning of the song,

It's opening night,
And all I do,
Is take a deep breath...

And sing

Hey there, Noelle! I'm going to jump right into this and see what I can help out with...

A whisper in my ear,
a nod of a head;
I get up and go backstage.

I hear the crowd,
applauding for the song,
just finishing before me.

I walk out onto the stage,
and scan the crowd,
finding familiar faces.

These first three stanzas are essential to the piece, yet I feel bitter towards them because of two major things: 1.) you use one form of punctuation throughout--the comma--and refuse to show me that you have a mastery over grammar. Show me some talent and I'll love them. 2.) There're no new descriptions, no mind-blowing imagery or any poetic devices used in these stanzas. In fact, it's just a group of nine lines that tell a bit of a story. But, like I said before, they're somewhat essential to the poem. Now, when I say somewhat essential, I mean that they could be taken out. They could. But it'd leave your poem short and without a preface, so no.

I gave you some leads on what to do with your punctuation and grammar, so try to run with that. Understand that 1.) poems are allowed to have more than just commas and 2.) not every line must begin with a capital letter. These are two common misconceptions with young writers and it's a shame that elementary school teachers get away with teaching us this.

It's opening night,
and all I feel,
are butterflies in my stomach.

It's opening night,
and all I see,
are the blinding lights before me.

It's opening night,
and all I hear,
is the beginning of the song.

It's opening night,
and all I do,
is take a deep breath...

and sing

Here's the actual poem-esque part of the poem and you face the same grammatical blips that you did before. Again, I fixed them and gave you leads. But I'm really craving imagery; I want to know what sort of adrenaline rush she feels. I want to know what color the lights are in the audience and how vast the room is. How nervous is she? Is she trembling? I want details! Right now, you're giving me a sample of a chicken nugget when I want the entire happy meal.

Show me--give me--your talent and I'll love this. Let me know when/if you revise.

-Lumiface

Oh i love this! The way you dercibe your emotions is great. Also im glad you didnt try to make this rhyme, like alot of people try to do, because your stanzas are perfect just as they are. Good job

rainistheskystears wrote:Oh i love this! The way you dercibe your emotions is great. Also im glad you didnt try to make this rhyme, like alot of people try to do, because your stanzas are perfect just as they are. Good job

I really agree with rainistheskytears. I really enjoyed reading it! You describe you emotions really well. I'm glad you didn't try to make it rhyme because your stanzas are great. Continue writing because practice makes prefect.

Keep writing,

Alicia.

Thanks guys. I'm new to poetry and it's definatly not my strength, but I figure I should learn how to write all different kinds of literature. Let me know if there's anything I could change or make better.

That was great, especilly if you are new to the concept, but f.y.I, I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be 4 lines per stanza...

I really like how it freezes a specific moment, rather that making generalizations about some emotion. I feel like I really can connect to you though it. I also like the simplicity of the sentences. It lets me immerse myself in the images (which are really good), and not the overly complex diction.

Hi Noelle!

You give such honest reviews on my works so I decided it is by far time I review you!

Well I know this is one of your first shots at poetry but I'm going to be very strict (well as strict as I can get XD). To be honest I think this poem is a bit bland. There could be a lot more poetic ways of writing this. I liked how you repeated the line about it being opening night in the end because it gave me the feeling of a little bit of suspense. But I am sure there are metaphors or more beautifully descriptions/language that can be crammed into that poem somewhere. I know you can do it

I think it was a good first attempt, and I know it was far better than my first poem on YWS!

Deanie x

Noelle,

I actually love this poem as a lyrical piece more than a dramatic piece. There were repetitive lines I felt were really interesting, because they sort of help build up the tension. So that was really nice about this, because I really get this sense of the nerves and the pace of someone going up on stage about to sing.

That being said, I agree with Lumi on this. He covered structure and the grammatic stuff, but he also said it could use more imagery, which I agree with. Metaphors, similes - these are the building blocks of poetry and they are actually quite fun to create once you get into it.

Get rid of the cliches. "butterflies in my stomach" and "blinding lights" -- instead try to create something that is uniquely your own. I like the fact that this sticks to concrete, prosaic scenes - because it really puts your reader into the scene. So that is wonderful and quite refreshing. In addition to adding images and descriptions, I'd like to see this go a little further, emotionally. Ask yourself, how can I make the reader care?

Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck and keep writing!

~ as always, Audy