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Young Writers Society


Rejected



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11 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 837
Reviews: 11
Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:19 pm
soccerstar17 says...



One step forward and two steps back.
My fantasy all lined with gold,
Now fogged with black.

I feel as if I am a dog,
Being teased by a treat,
For he is always just barely out of my reach.

I can't with stand the pain.
For I know we cannot be,
But still I fail to hide my smile,
Every time he looks at me.

In my attempts to call to him,
The words get drowned out,
By the restless wind.

Finally I gained enough courage,
to share my emotions,
Just him and I together,
I asked...
He said never.

Tired from my effort,
Wounded by his reject,
I slumped my shoulders,
Hung my head,
And collapsed onto the lush grass bed.

One last thought raced through my mind,
Letting out a muffled groan,
"I shall learn to walk alone."
Last edited by soccerstar17 on Mon Dec 19, 2011 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
He who laughs last, should do so from a safe distance.
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1118
Reviews: 15
Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:35 pm
SophiaBurnette says...



Ouch! I really feel the speaker's pain and frustration at being rejected. The rhyme and rhythm are both very common, but that's okay because something common is a good base to spice things up and make it more unique. If you want, you can revise this poem, but it really doesn't need fixing. Save experiments for future works, and eventually you'll find your own style developing.
"I don't cause commotions, I am one." Elphaba (Wicked the musical)
  





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51 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1144
Reviews: 51
Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:24 am
VuzzyCat says...



Wow, this is really good. I love how you can feel the emotions. You did a really good job showing how the character feels. I love the rythme too. It was slow so you could feel the saddness. Good job!
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased, the only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter. <3

I'm single because God is busy writing the best love story.
<3 VuzzyCat
  





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103 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1711
Reviews: 103
Thu Jul 14, 2011 5:03 am
MamaLama95 says...



This was my favourite line;

my fantasy all lined with gold
now fogged with black

It was a good piece of work - use punctuation though, otherwise it can be confusing at moments for the reader to understand. Emotional, and a work of simple elegance - very good.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers.
To envy.
To madness.
Betrayal.
Love.
And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing.
But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love.
To be human.
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 1040
Reviews: 4
Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:35 pm
vampirelover101 says...



I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  





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11 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 837
Reviews: 11
Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:58 pm
soccerstar17 says...



thanks so much for all the advice, I will try to do better next time! :)
He who laughs last, should do so from a safe distance.
  





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8 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 955
Reviews: 8
Tue Dec 06, 2011 9:03 pm
soccer9angelvb says...



Your poem is awesome! I love it! The metaphors + similies you used were really cool and they gave the narrator depth.
Keep up the great work!
<3 soccer9angelvb
Go GREEKS and ROMANS !!!!!!!!!!!!
  








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