Young Writers Society

But Mama,
I want life to be a gentle summer breeze.
I want to see my hair blow along
With the wind, and move across my face, to
Remind me the world is here, in front of me.
I want to see the grass blow easygoing
And untroubled, and the current
Of the wind push away Life's challenging
Puzzles.
I want to feel the warmth of a
Breath of wind,
Like a flock of friends,
Being there for me.
I want to feel the misty air of an
Oncomingrain,
Challenging me to stand my ground.
I want to hear it's restful whistle
Slowly pulling me to sleep,
And block out all the unpleasent
Things that want to come in.
I want to smell teh calming
Incense of the just-blooming flowers.
I want to taste the sweetness
Of the air,
And let ti cool my anger.
Because,
Mama,
A summer breeze is just what
Anyone would like
Anything to be,
And that summer breeze
Is what I want life
To be.

Great poem. That was really thought-provoking! I would maybe change the structure around a little, maybe start some lines at different points. Otherwise it was really good !

A couple of the lines could have been broken off differently.

I want to smell teh calming

*the

And let ti cool my anger.

*it

It's a really thought provoking poem, and a good response to the one it was based on (as long as I'm right about which one it is.)

It's a great poem. Keep writing!

As Starrywolf already pointed out, you've got a couple of misspellings in this, some of which she did not point out. Having basic errors like misspellings really takes away the impact of your poem, because it throws the readers out of the flow of ideas and sounds.

As Starrywolf also mentioned, your line breaks could use a bit of tweaking. Right now, they feel oddly placed, and they break up the flow of the poem, especially when combined with how every line is capitalized.

Line breaks add a little pause, shorter than a comma, but still noticeable. If the pause is placed in an odd place, it can completely throw the flow off and make your poem difficult to read. The easiest way to catch strange line break placements is to read the poem aloud. If it feels awkward, that's because it is, and you'll need to tweak the line breaks until it doesn't sound awkward when you (or, even better, someone else) reads the poem aloud.

Also, not every line of a poem needs to be capitalized. Except for set forms (like villanelles and ballads), poetry follows the same conventions of capitalization (and punctuation) as regular writing. Capitalizing the first letter of every line of your poem makes it look stiffer and more formal, which makes the irregular linebreaks feel even stranger.

So play around with the line breaks and see how not capitalizing the first letter of every line does. I think you'll find these little things make a whole world of difference.