Young Writers Society

You have asked me if I ever dream.
You dream all the time;
of situations and stories,
better lives –exciting lives.

You dream about your life being exciting, rich, adventurous.
You ask if I dream,
I tell you I don’t like you do.
You say that that’s too bad,
and continue with your fantasy world.

I go home and cry,
I can’t tell you my dreams.
If I do you will shrug them off;
they will be boring and not exciting.

They are my dreams;
they matter to me,
but not to you.
So why should I tell you?
You won’t care, like I do with yours.

But they are part of me.

I dream about you and me,
about you realizing and me rejoicing;
I dream about seeing my Savoir and seeing you with Him there.

I dream of happiness, joy, and no sorrow,
not having to have to worry about you giving into a “horrible lonely life;”
always being with each other,
laughing and rejoicing.

But then there are the bad dreams,
the nightmares,
you don’t talk of those kinds of dreams,
just fun and happy ones.
Fear is weakness to you,
so why talk about it?

I stand hoping I can at least get home before collapsing into terror.
I can’t seem to shake it,
you and your indifference.

I dream that you aren’t there when I meet Him.
You’re living the lonely life,
you’re not there rejoicing with me.

I’m frozen, can’t think straight, or breathe;
because I can’t help but think was because of me,
I ruined it somehow.

I can’t shake it.
I see you again and put a smile on;
I laugh with you,
I try to remember the dreams of seeing you there.
They don’t come,
I’m trapped with the fear.

I’m sorry,
I tried to be a good friend,
I failed but I love you still.

I’m sorry.

WOW! Best word for it, it has amazing feeling and depth to it. I can really feel the pain the person is going through. I really enjoyed that I got great imagery through this and I was not expecting the ending. You managed to stay to you 'topic' of sorts all the way through but the end you started to stay. Only thing that could help this poem is more adjectives to give better knowledge of the persons feelings rate then. All in all I enjoyed this poem immensely!

I really like it! At some points it is not completely clear about what you are talking about and it seems like you change subject matter a few times through the poem. But, it has a nice flow to it. I really like how you didn't tell exactly what you were talking about and had the reader guess a little. Great job!

JaneAusten! I love this so much.... as with all our other poems.
And you know what?? I don't think that poem is self centered at all..... you're truly concerned.... and we would all like it to be a perfect world where everyone realizes the truth, but, yeah, sadly, sometimes it doesn't happen.
But, it's all God's will, and in His time, everything will turn out as it should be.

JaneAusten wrote:I go home and cry,
I can’t tell you my dreams.
If I do you will shrug them off;
they will be boring and not exciting.

God will help you through this, and see, you have your own life, and He will listen to your dreams fully!

Jane Austen,

You have great taste in username Now as for the poem, you expressed worries about it sound self-centered - I find it kind of interesting you thought that, because the poem opens itself up at first with the emphasized "you" - you do this, you think that, you are this - and then later switches gear with stanzas entirely starting with "I", so psychologically speaking, I find the switch interesting. I mean, it's like trying to lead you in one direction - I'm going to speak about this person - and then later reflects on itself and ends up speaking about the self. That's pretty typical of how our mind works and how we perceive the world. However...

Poetry is the medium of precision. The poem reads as a back and forth "you and I" and what you're doing is you're distancing the reader. Almost like you're having a conversation and the reader is left out of it. In fact, these two pronouns are making up the majority of your poem, when what should be making up your poem is a variety of descriptive nouns and active verbs.

I think this poem succeeds in getting the speaker's emotions out there, getting the voice, and expressing itself -- trying to get thoughts down on paper. But that's about it. Is the poem memorable? No. Do I care about the speaker? Not really.
Why? Part of it is that distance I mentioned. The biggest critique for me is that it lacks imagery. It lacks sensory detail. Poems are supposed to have the readers experience something, whether it's a particular story, an event, an emotion(s), etc. In order for the readers to experience the poem, you need to implement metaphors, similes, imagery!

You talk about dreams, but what kind of dreams are they? I mean, I don't see the dreams, I don't feel it, I don't taste, or smell it. So the word "dream" to me in this poem is particularly useless.

In poetry, don't be afraid to be specific. Narrow your topic as though you are viewing it under a microscope and be as detailed as possible. Explain and be able to describe the world in the way that you see it, and you will find, these will make the best and most unique poems. Right now the poem is watered down and filled with so many abstractions that I don't know exactly what it is that you are trying to say.

It's one thing to say "happiness" but what is happiness really? You can't see happiness, you can only see its manifestations, its influence. And aren't there a million different ways to see and describe and experience happiness? And don't different people experience happiness in different ways?

Happiness itself isn't going to cut it in a poem. Be more specific. How do you experience happiness? Is it - the dimpled smile emerging on a freckled face? The plastic, yet sticky feel of licorice sticks between your fingers? Is it the warm sensation of water cascading down your back during a morning shower? Be creative and have fun with it!

Let me know if you have any questions.

~ as always, Audy