Young Writers Society

Your olive skin as soft as the waves rolling to the shore,
Your deep green eyes beckon me in,
Deadlier than a cold stare from Medusa.

Your dark silky hair,
Spilling at the sides like a waterfall
Your voice is soft like summer rain.

You simply take my breath away.

For you I'll do anything, be anything
I'll utimately give up my dreams and future,
for you.

But you are deadly.

Like a snake who strikes its prey,
without warning
Its cold empty eyes showing no mercy.

Because you don't even know my name.

You must know, before I even start, that I am not a great poet and my opinions stay opinions and not rules.

Firstly, grammar:

summerlovee wrote:Your deep green eyes beckons me in,

The eyes beckon, not beckons.

summerlovee wrote:Like a snake who strikes it's prey,
without warning
It's cold empty eyes showing no mercy.

Those it'ses must both be made its. The dog wags its tail because it's a lovely day. Its and it's are horrible little words, so easy to confuse.

The poem itself: I liked the stanzas, they were put in all the right places. No meter, though, which throws one off balance, but it can be argued that this is because the narrator is off balance too, in love with a stranger. No rhyme, either, but that is of course personal preference and I think it is fine just as it is. That particular mixture of metaphors and similes works well in this poem.

The message: I like the way you put it across, but be careful of underestimating the readers, don't down talk by using a hammer to describe things over and over, like the Medusa stare, merciless snake and uncompromising "But you are deadly" all together. Keep it feather-light!

I liked the poem, it was an accessible and readable take even if it was on an overused subject.

Your olive skin as soft as the waves rolling to the shore,
Your deep green eyes beckon me in,
Deadlier than a cold stare from Medusa.I love this stanza!! How clever!

Your dark silky hair,
Spillat the sides like a waterfall.

Your voice is soft like summer rain.

You simply take my breath away.

For you I'll do anything, be anything
I'll utimately give up my dreams and future,
for you.

But you, are deadly.

Like a snake who strikes its prey,
without warning,
Its cold empty eyes showing no mercy.

Because you don't even know my name.

Surprising!

I really liked this poem it was clever and interesting. It had a forceful feel but I think that added to it. Keep writing!

I think some people take poetry rules a bit too serious, in that if it has no meter or rhythm, there must be something wrong with it. Form wise, this is beautiful the way it is. I didn't like the Medusa reference, because you went into further detail with it towards the end of the poem, which I do agree was unnecessary for the most part. Just my personal opinion, because I did like this:

Like a snake who strikes its prey,
without warning
Its cold empty eyes showing no mercy.

Because you don't even know my name.

But its cleverness was slightly taken away because you already mentioned Medusa. That aside, I loved the imagery you used, and the language. The pictures painted in my head were beautiful, and the heartbreaking undertone of the story is something I feel many people go through. Beautiful work.

I love what you wrote. I know people always feel that same way someone eventually.
A bitter-sweet love. And you described it perfectly. I love it!

Awwwww, this is so CUTE!!

It makes me smile so much that my math-teacher is looking at me weirdly, and I feel it warming my soul with the well known feeling of having a crush you just want to stare at all the time, and one that you dream of in math class when you're totally lost.

Really good and happy poem!