Young Writers Society

A Dream Once Shrouded

A dream,
A dream shrouded in mystery,
One that no person has known,
A secret
A hope
A faith
A dream.
It is hidden in the shadow,
In the deepest part of my mind.
Never to be told
Never to be shown
Never to be achieved.
It is not meant to be.
We all have this dream
A dream shrouded in mystery,
A dream not to be achieved,
We all have such a dream.
I have seen,
I have heard,
I have achieved such a dream.
This is my dream
A dream that will never end,
A dream that was shrouded
But brought to light and achieved
My,
Once shrouded dreams
Were
And always will be,
To write
To live
To love
To succeed
These are my
Once shrouded dreams.

To begin with, I think this poem flowed very nicely. I like the way you used this format.

HOWEVER. There were several mistakes which I can only take are typos;

A Dream Once Srouded

A dream srouded in mystery,

Oncce shrouded dreams.

The first two just need an H in the "srouded"s. Yes, that typo makes a lovely sounding word, but it must be fixed my dear.

Also, through the entire poem, I couldn't help but notice that you used quite a lot of commas. I'll say before I digress into a tyrade about commas that if you intended all those commas to be there the way they were as a pattern or format, you can ignore the next paragraph:

Your commas add a choppiness to the flow that is out of character for this piece. Several of them are so out of place that they are no longer a dramatic pause but a grammar mistake that BUGS ME. Especially here:

But brought to light and achieved,
My,
Once shrouded dreams,
Were,
And always will be,
To write,

Also, as just a personal thing that is just me, I despise commas most of the time. I see them way too often. People trying to stop their story/poem/thing from being stop. gostop. gostop. add a bunch of run-ons full of COMMAS. I don't like commas where they don't need to be.

SO. Now that I'm done complaining about punctuation, I'll just say one more time that this is a bee YOO tee full piece and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep writing, I can tell you enjoy it

Ha, Ha, make that mistake so much its gotten somewhat funny, thank you for pointing it out.

This was such a great poem; proof that you don't always need a rhyme scheme in poetry. The ideas and imagery you used were fantastic, and the whole thing flowed pretty well too.
My favourite parts were the repetition:

Never to be told
Never to be shown
Never to be achieved.

I have seen,
I have heard,
I have achieved such a dream.

To write
To live
To love
To succeed

The repetition is fantastic, a great and useful device in poetry. One thing I would say, though, is to break it up a little with irregular stanzas. Make these repetitions verses on their own. Here's how I would do it:

A dream,
A dream shrouded in mystery,
One that no person has known,

A secret
A hope
A faith
A dream.

It is hidden in the shadow,
In the deepest part of my mind.

Never to be told
Never to be shown
Never to be achieved.

It is not meant to be.

We all have this dream
A dream shrouded in mystery,
A dream not to be achieved,
We all have such a dream.

I have seen,
I have heard,
I have achieved such a dream.

This is my dream

A dream that will never end,
A dream that was shrouded

But brought to light and achieved
My,
Once shrouded dreams
Were
And always will be,

To write
To live
To love
To succeed

These are my
Once shrouded dreams.

So basically, a little improved formatting will ensure a perfect poem!
This was a joy to read, so thank you very much.

Hey Ghost! Dogs here with your review today! I really like this piece, partially because of the format you used on it. Not to many people use that one to two word lines. It can really hinder your poem or make it sound very good. The choppiness of that formatting really adds to your poem as you have done very well, making the choppiness work. Anyways, all and all everything I wanted to say has really already been said soooo keep up the good work!!!!



TuckEr EllsworTh