Young Writers Society

I used to walk passed a bluebird's nest,
with a star across my chest.
I remember a time when we were locked away,
to work as slaves every single day.
I remember when I was torn from my mother,
and forced to live with another.
Books burned, children cried,
and Jews died.
Tear drops splash,
and soldiers slash.
I used to was passed a bluebird's nest,
with a star across my chest.

I used to walk passed a bluebird's nest,
with a star across my chest.

and

I used to was passed a bluebird's nest,
with a star across my chest.

"Passed" should be "past", and in the second one the "was" should be "walk" if it's the same thing as the first, which it clearly is (correct me if I'm wrong )

This poem has a great message, a wonderful idea that has wonderful potential. However, that potential does need a little bit of work. With some time, this could blossom into something amazing; right now, it's...not. Please don't take offense, I want to see this be fabulous.

As a general poem-wide critique, I would say that if you are going to give this poem a rhyme scheme, give it a rhythm layout of some kind as well. At this point it seems just a tad choppy...well, more that just a tad. I would say quite a bit, except for a few parts. Especially this part:

Books burned, children cried,
and Jews died.

Also, some of the rhymes seemed terribly forced. Especially this:

Tear drops splash,
and soldiers slash.

"Slash" to me doesn't even sound historically accurate. Soldiers during WWII (I assume that's what you are reminiscing) used guns, not swords, at least the majority of the time.

Like I said before, this had amazing potential to become a wonderful piece of work, it just needs some help.

Hello ACTRESS,

You have a really decent start here and I like the topic which you have chosen to write about. I felt though, that you didn't make this as powerful as you could have done. You have chosen a really important and sad topic, but the poem feels a little weak as you haven't chosen to use many adjectives. Despite that this is still a quite nice poem and I did enjoy this a lot, great start!

I used to walk passed a bluebird's nest,
with a star across my chest.

This is a pretty minor error but it stuck out like a sore thumb, I believe you mean "past" not "passed" in the middle of the first line.

I remember a time when we were locked away,
to work as slaves every single day.

Out of this whole poem I'd probably have to say that I liked this couplet the best. I like the reflection on the past in this line, but I think that the second line has two many syllables in it and I think it would be smoother and more flowing if you took out either the word "every" or "single".

I remember when I was torn from my mother,
and forced to live with another.

This rhyme seems really forced and not as powerful as the rest. This might just be me but I don't think it sounds as good as the rest.

Books burned, children cried,
and Jews died.

I think the trouble with this part is that you've used too many rhyming words in the rest of the poem you only have one pair of rhyming words in each couplet but in this you have three words all of which rhyme and it doesn't really work as well.

Tear drops splash,
and soldiers slash.

I agree with what the previous reviewer said that in the war that you are describing they used guns not swords, so I don't understand the use of the word "slash".

I used to was passed a bluebird's nest,
with a star across my chest.

This is small but I think that what you mean is "I used to walk past a bluebird's nest," not "I used to was passed a bluebird's nest,".

Overall a good start and this has potential to be a great poem but I think you still have a little bit of work left to do. Keep on writing and with practice you can only improve!

From DreamingForever

blue: spelling error.
red: delete this. (usually means it's unnecessary)
green: awkward wording
purple: i loved this section!
pink: too blunt or in need of further description/imagery/explanation

ACTRESS wrote:I used to walk passed a bluebird's nest,
with a star across my chest.
I remember a time when we were locked away,
to work as slaves every single day. (for days upon days might work better)
I remember when I was torn from my mother,
and forced to live with another.
Books burned, children cried,
and Jews died. (i think something like "and deaths went unjustified" might sound better)
Tear drops splash,
and soldiers slash. (i just think that although short and to the point, you might want to expand on this)
I used to was passed a bluebird's nest, *walk
with a star across my chest.

I hope this helps! Keep writing