Young Writers Society

The day I fell down the rabbit hole,
nowhere near was there a soul
to hear my awful, desperate scream
plummeting to hands of Red Queen.

In the dark I feel them watching me,
the corner of my eyes can see
menacing rabbits in the gloom
urging me to run, or meet my doom.

A whisper from very faraway,
"Alice, do you want to play?
If you win I’ll let you free,
but lose, your life’s the penalty.”

She revealed a board made for chess,
confident that she was best,
moved forward the first black pawn,
beginning a game lasting till dawn.

“Checkmate,” she hisses in my ear,
“Now for your punishment, Alice dear,”
and then she screams the words I dread,
“Alice dear, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

Hello, Anna! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

First off, I love the title of this. Even before I read the piece, I knew what it was going to about. Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorite stories; I have no idea how many times I read the book and watched the movie when I was younger. You did a good job portraying the story and especially the malice of the Red Queen; I felt myself hating her as I read the poem. Creating strong characters is very important, and you did it well.

Now, on to the part of the poem that I dislike, which is the rhythm. It was hard for me to find one in this piece. While some lines were long, others were short, and some were right in the middle. A rhythm doesn't have to be perfect, but it does have to exist.

The day I fell down the rabbit hole,
nowhere near was there a soul,
to hear my terrible scream,
as I soared to the clutches of the Red Queen.

See what I mean? It just seems off. Perhaps it's the inverted format of the second line that's throwing me. I don't think that it goes with how you wrote the rest of the poem. If you somehow edited it, made it smoother and more modern, I feel like it would contribute much more to the poem.

Last not but least, try to avoid overusing the word 'very' in your poetry. If you use it once or even twice, that's okay, but when you get into using it three or four times, it ends up feeling forced and it loses its strength. Try choosing other words that emphasize your message. You'll be adding to your vocabulary as well as improving your writing.

All in all, awesome piece! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Anna, stop being so awsome. Please. It's to much! I have seen all the poems submitted to this contest and omg, the judge is going to have a hard time because there are sooooo many really good one's! I love this piece so much partially because we have such a similar writing style. I love the imaginary words you use and i especially love the rhyming, thats my favorite part of your poetry. It just makes the poem flow soooo smoothly.

My favorite stanza is definitely the last line. Sooooooo fantastic with the hissing and the "alice dear", it's just so good! It just flows like silk and it's imaginative. I do suggest, however you expand your vocab a little bit on some more of your poetry. Not this one but perhaps on your next poem try using different, stronger words. It would make your poetry more enticing. If your having troubles with doing that take a simple word and look it up in a Thesaurus and then choose a word from the list. It will really improve your poetry trust me. Well i really love this regardless, keep up the good work!!!!



TuckEr EllsworTh

“Check mate” she hisses in my ear,

"Checkmate" is one word. Also, as it is part of the queen's dialogue, there should be a comma before the quotations close, so that it looks like this:

"Checkmate," she hisses in my ear.

There were a couple of things about the form that were off. For one, you ended every line with a piece of punctuation, which was not always correct. In the example I quoted above, rather than ending with a comma, a period makes more sense. There are other lines where you have commas that are unneeded, such as "nowhere near was there a soul, / to hear my terrible scream," which has two unnecessary commas.

Poems are generally punctuated the same way as regular writing, and having punctuation at the end of every line is not required. Having unnecessary punctuation actually does more harm than help, since it breaks up ideas (which is the purpose of punctuation) into chunks that don't make much sense on their own.

The other thing that was off was the rhythm. Rhymes rely upon a regular rhythm to work, and if your rhythm is not regular, your rhyme falls apart. Compare "She drove into the bar in her car" to "She drove her car into the bar". Even though there's no line breaks, the second example feels like it rhymes because there's a pattern to the rhythm.

Right now, there's no regular rhythm to your rhymes, which makes them feel off.

The easiest way to make sure you've got a rhythm is to count your syllables. Having the same number of syllables in each rhyming line creates a pattern, which helps build the poem's rhythm, which in turn makes your rhymes stronger.

Lastly, have you read Through the Looking Glass? The chess game reminds me of one scene from it where Alice is on a giant chessboard where running harder leads to getting nowhere at all.

Hey, Anna!

This is a great poem! And I love poems based off these classic and timeless stories.

anna91423 wrote:The day I fell down the rabbit hole,
nowhere near was there a soul,
to hear my terrible scream,
as I soared to the clutches of the Red Queen. I would suggest rephrasing as this line is way too long. It's still a good line, though. But way too long. Perhaps - 'soaring into the hands of the Red Queen'

Down here in the darkness I can feel them watching me, Using a full-stop here sounds much better.
From the very corner of my eyes I see,
staring rabbits in the gloom,
urging me to walk on, and meet my doom.

“Alice, do you want to play?”
A whisper from very far away, 'very' sounds un-needed.
“If you win I’ll let you free,
but if you lose, life’s the penalty.”

She revealed a board made for chess,
and confident that she was best,
moved forward her very first pawn,
beginning a game lasting till dawn.

“Check mate” she hisses in my ear,
“Now for your punishment, Alice dear”, From what I've been told, the comma should be placed within the quotes. I've made the same mistake too
and then she screams the words I dread,
“Alice dear, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!” though this a nice touch, it sounds repetitive since you've used the same sentence in the previous dialogue. Try revising.

This is a delightful poem with a great humorous undertone. Though there isn't really anything special either since I've read many iterations about 'Alice...' and what this lacked was originality. Maybe you could have put in some better twists into the poem. And seeing as your rhyme is good, you could make this an even better piece. Having said that, I have to admit. The atmosphere of magic and wonderment did enter my consciousness and I did feel like I was reading an authentic 'Alice...' poem. It's quite great

As always, you are a great writer and you should keep writing!

Murtuza

Thanks for all the really helpful reviews I've edited and tried to take in all of the advice. I've made the rythm more consistent (although it's not exactly consistent-just more or less). So, thanks a lot everyone XD