Young Writers Society

Rattling through my head all day,
Was my lack of a chance to open my mouth and say,
How could you?
I’m gone for three months and this is what you do?
For Christ sakes,
Look into his eyes and you’ll know there was a better way,
For you to have expressed your point yesterday.

Forget me trying to explain wrong from right.
I’m tired after all, day and night, I’ve spent,
Hoping you would learn what you did, and still do,
Is something you never meant or truly mean to do.

Whether you win or lose,
In my mind, there was never any war.
Granted, we are all human,
But I don’t believe that gives anyone the right,
To throw someone through,
Any solid object that may catch their eye,
Because of a little disagreement, or hell,
Let’s just call it a fight.

I’ve been silenced for eight years by one statement,
“Know your place in this family young lady.”
Come and gone, that statements flew,
In and out of your mouth, but I have news for you.

I did what I was supposed to do.
I looked up to you.
I listened and obeyed, and now,
My words are able to easily slice through you,
Just like your fists always seem to be able to do.

Hey Snowberry!!!!!!!! Dogs here with your review for the day! This poem is great! great! great! grrrreeeeaaattttt! Again i love the strong imagery you use and the "not fully established rhyming scheme but you rhyme anyways" style you write in. my absolute favorite line is right here:

My words easily slice through you,
Just like your fist always seem to be able to do"

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES! There is that strong ending i am looking for! It's just like KA-BOOM! "Yes ladies and jents this just happened". Lol anyways this was great! Keep up the good work!!!!



TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello, Snow! Rose here!

First off, this is a good poem. The best thing about it, in my opinion, was the story you told. The bad thing was, the only time I actually understood it was at the very end of this piece. I almost felt like I had to blaze my way through a jungle of words before I actually found out what you were talking about. (I watched Indiana Jones this evening, so that's why I referred to jungles. )

Rattling through my head all day,
Was my lack of a chance to open my mouth and say,
How could you?

This just seems jumbled, and it shouldn't, considering it's the beginning of your poem. I had to read it a few times to understand what you were trying to say. Maybe it's because the sentence is sort of inverted. If you restructured it so that it was more like a normal sentence, I feel like it would flow better.

I’ve been silenced for eight years by one statement.
“Know your place in this family, young lady.”
Come and gone, that statement flew
in and out of your mouth, but I have news for you.

I love this. It has attitude, and that makes me like it. This is definitely my favorite part of the poem, not only because of its attitude, but because it's clear and easy to read. I wish more of the poem was like this.

All in all, good work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hey, snow!

So this poem is quite dramatic and filled with expressions of great quality. Like creativity said, this piece is saying a story and you've done a swell job in explaining it with your descriptions and imagery. A woman standing up for herself amid the complex and seemingly unending scrutiny of her mother (I hope I'm correct xD).

Though there were some parts during the poem where the lines seemed like a mouthful and that totally disrupted the flow of the rhyme. Also, in some cases, you tried to make the rhymes too simplistic by using really common words. day, say, yesterday etc sound too primitive for a poem like this and it can do well of with some better choice of words.

This is a great piece with a binding message and a tone of empowerment against the forces of injustice and domestic inequality. I'm looking forward to reading more so keep the ink flowing. You've definitely got talent and it shows.

Murtuza