Young Writers Society

Hatred. [Maybe you could put in three dots here, like it's sort of hesitant and mysterious]
The wound you left in my heart won't heal.
You let me bleed.
I knew you wanted me to suffer.

Pain. [You could do the same here, and the rest of the places as well, but in my opinion the first is the most important]
The pain I feel is because of you.
Yet I still want to see you, hold you, and be with you.

You.
You defined [I can't figure out if you really mean 'defined' here or 'defied', maybe I'm just weird...] me, loved me, broke me.
You laughed in my face, kicked me out.
You left me bleeding and smiled at my misery.

I.
I knew you from the start. I knew you would destroy me.
I loved you and yet you betrayed me. The torture you put me through, the hatred I saw in you.
Those eyes, the agony in them. I saw the love but wanted the hate.

Scared. [The other places you have used a noun and here you use a verb. I don't know if you intentionally chose this word, but if you want to match the others, you could say 'fright' instead of 'scared']
I wanted to run. Love isn't for me.
I only know about hate. And it defined me. Now I want you back.
Torture me, hate me, break me, kill me.

Fear.
What I fear the most is for you to leave me.
But when you did I felt nothing at all.
I'm dead inside. Crying, praying, and begging you.
I wanted you to hate me because I feared you would leave me.

And now you have. [I really loved how you ended with this line, like a conclusion of the poem. And the rhythm is amazing, sort of fade-out-ish! ]

Hey Flyingchaos,

I really loved this poem, it's very deep and I can really relate to it - or at least I think I can.
I think this is very good, and actually some of the best you've written!
It's very hard to write a poem that really portrays this feeling you want to show, but you really nailed it.

The only critique I have would be the rhythm of the poem. It's not constant and in some places I like that, but in other the rhythm gets too different and it gets a bit weird.

But an overall amazing poem, so write more poems in the future!

Thanks for the review!

- AuthorOfMyLife I think I'm blushing right now!!
I really tried my best to show/tell/express those feelings
I have had a rough time once... And I just want to put it behind me
I guess I' am better at writting poems then novells to be honest ;D

Hey Chaos!!! Dogs here with your review today! I totally agree with everything Author of my life says, be sure to listen to him. Also, adding to that. I really like this, again you really got the strong feel for emotion which is again, writing emotion is got near impossible, at least from my point of view lol. Anyways great job on that! Although I still do have so more nit picks.

Although this poem is great and filled with excellent emotion, you are missing something. A little more UMPH! Some more PIZZAZ! "ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHINNEEEEEEE" (Billy Elliot) Sorry bad musical analogies... anyways what I think you are missing two big things here. Firstly, you are missing a bigger impact on the reader. This poem is strong and powerful but your aim for writing an emotional based poem is to make the reader feel the emotion that you felt. Make them feel your heart break, and that is the challenge you have to face when writing an emotional poem. That can be very hard to do sometimes so, i suggest to help do this add in some personification which leads me into my next point...

There are so many poems just like this, here is my pain. This is my pain. Now i am forgetting him. he left me he hurt me. yada yada. Now there is nothing wrong with choosing an overused topic AS LONG AS you make your poem stand out from everyone elses. What makes your poem better then all the other poems talking about pain? One way to do this is by adding more emotion or imagery... and the best way to do that is with personification and a larger vocabulary. You have some great descriptive words in here but i think you can add more! Take some of the old and overused words you use and look them up in a thesaurus and choose a better word from the list. Trust me it makes your poem soooo much better!

Here are some examples:

"You defined me, loved me, broke me"

This is a powerful line but in the next line you should talk about how he broke you. Talk about perhaps "You threw my heart on the ground/ where it shattered like glass". These are the little things that turn your good poem into a great poem! This piece has sooo much potential in it and I have high expectations for your next poem! Only because I know you can meet them. keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

This poem is ery beautiful in my opinion. I think you have a great gift. I think it shows that not everyone in the world is perfect ehen it comes to love. I wanted to cry. It was very and it spoke to me. I think this is a very special poem.

First of all, this poem was really good. Yeah, it didn't have much of a rhyming scheme to it but it was beautiful to look at. And it was a great way to express hurtful feelings without doing or saying anything you'd regret. (Isn't Writing great!)

What really did it for me was the Title at each Stanzas -

Hatred - Pain - You - I - Scared - Fear

. That is so creepy, it also gave an insight into each of the Stanzas.

And I also like how it is sumed up

Torture me, hate me, break me, kill me. Fear

Well done. See if you can work out rhythm into it