Young Writers Society

See that man, o simple,
the one with the purple dimples.
How about the one in his bloomers,
riding my daddy's unicycle.
I'm quite found of old miss. Lyla,
ten feet tall, and a ballerina,
how odd?
i'm the one in the corner,
with the rainbow hair,
and the monkey in the pram.
I dance around the tall clock
singing of my lost love,
without a care in my dream world.
Around here the streets are lined with candy canes,
and dead dogs,
drink poisoned kool-aid from the fountain of life.
Time stands still here almost 10:02,
the moon is high in the sky,
the streets dark and scary,
but o so happy.
Quite intoxicating smell of yesterday,
never to come again.
Cars haven''t worked for ages,
stilts are just as fast here.
One stoplight city,
snow falls o so pretty.
Dancing like a ballerina,
life is so quite here,
until the clock strikes 6 then we lose it.
All shakes loose so quickly,
now its quite I'm 15 in bunny pajamas,
it was just a dream.

(I love that song - the one in your signature. Oh, what? Oh, right...poetry review.)

ANYWAY.

I really liked this after a certain point - to be honest, the beginning wasn't that great for me because you seemed to be trying to hard to rhyme. Like when you said "oh simple" to rhyme with "purple dimples." It's kind of awkward to be calling someone "oh simple," which is honestly the only way I can think of that you were using "oh simple." Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

But then you dropped the whole rhyming thing and came up with some really awesome lines, like here:

"i'm the one in the corner,
with the rainbow hair,
and the monkey in the pram.
I dance around the tall clock
singing of my lost love,
without a care in my dream world.
Around here the streets are lined with candy canes,
and dead dogs,
drink poisoned kool-aid from the fountain of life.
Time stands still here almost 10:02,"

(Except the "i'm" should be capitalized, though I realize that was probably just a typo. And I think you probably shouldn't have a comma after "dogs," because I assume you mean that the dogs were the ones drinking the Kool-Aid. Right?)

My suggestions for this poem:

You started off rhyming and seemed to have trouble with it, and then you dropped the rhymes completely. So I would suggest just going free-verse for this. Also, go through and find all the really great, specific images (like that big chunk I quoted up there), take out everything else, and see how it sounds. If you feel a need to add more, go ahead, but avoid stuff like "the streets dark and scary,/but o so happy." Compared to the above lines, this is just kind of blah.

I think you've got a great start here, though. Let me know when you revise so I can read the new version!

~Blue

Hey Misstoria! Dogs here for your review. First of all i really like this piece! It is strong and full of great imagery really painting a strong image in the readers head. It is really important in this kind of style of poem that you use strong imaginative and emotional words that not everyone see's every day. And you nailed that perfectly! I really like the ring of this poem with "purple dimples" and what not. That is great!

However on a grammatical note i noticed that in the 8th line of the 1st stanza you need to capitalize the "i'm". Also in the first stanza in the 5th line when you say "I'm quite found of old miss. Lyla," do you mean fond instead of "found". Because, to me at least, the found dosn't really make any sense lol.

Well all and all thats really i have to say. Keep up the good work!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh