Young Writers Society

Oceans of sand as far as I can see…
mountains rugged with deep green forests
tower like jagged edges surrounding this barren region.

A sense of ease rests within me when I’m here…
the wind humming in my ears, joyous of my return
wishing to persuade my spirit to stop and obverse this human experience
through this humans’ eyes
through her ears…
…only natures voice can be heard.

As I’ve done in the past, I’ve noticed more doing so
about life, and who I am
superiorly of the intricate details of God’s handmade sculptures
beautiful beyond words.

Like I’ve nothing else to do
It was me, in tune with my entire being
all but bursting at the seams with happiness.

When I gaze upon the landscape
of which my eyes have seen more than I can remember
an odd, immune sensation fills me…

This barren region is such a part of who I am, I’m like
“Oh, yeah, this place? This is my home;
I’ve seen that same view a million times!
Nothing too new about it…”

However…thinking such thoughts pain me
because, to this very day
this barren region always takes my breath away
reminding me of a still-life portrait to the very mark
yet, I’m perfectly awake to the fact that it’s very real.

I’ll always feel safe here…
as though my place of refuge
where my Father’s arms are felt like the wind
wrapping around me as he whispers in my ear,
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you, my precious.”

This barren region is truly what home means to me…
and always, will it remain in my heart.
always, will I remember what it has taught me…
in being the person I am today.

And one day…
I’ll go back.

Aloha, Aloha! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

First off, I like this piece. I really get a sense of your love for the place where you live, and that's good. Expressing your own opinions and feelings is what makes you as a writer unique, and you've done a good job at that here. That being said, I do feel that there's some room for improvement.

Oceans of sand as far as I can see…
mountains rugged with deep green forests
tower like jagged edges surrounding this barren region.

This is a good way to start the piece. I do have one issue with it. I'm not sure if I like how you described the region as being barren after having described everything's that in it. I mean, it's obviously a place you adore, and 'barren' is, in my opinion, more of a negative adjective. However, it very well could just be me. If I were you, though, I'd replace it with something else that was a little bit more favorable to what you're describing.

A sense of ease rests within me when I’m here,
the wind humming in my ears, joyous of my return,
wishing to persuade my spirit to stop and observe this human experience
through this humans’ eyes

I'm not sure if I like the last two lines. What's turning me off about them is how you used the word 'human' twice. I didn't like it the first time, and I definitely don't like it the second time. In my eyes, it feels too blunt compared to the rest of the poem and the language you've used up until this point.

This barren region is such a part of who I am, I’m like
“Oh, yeah, this place? This is my home;
I’ve seen that same view a million times!
Nothing too new about it…”

I love that you're trying to give us a taste of who you are and how you speak, but it's too informal compared to the rest of the poem, at least to me. It just doesn't fit. Also, the opinion you're expressing just doesn't cohere to the feelings of the rest of the poem.

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh. It's just that I see an enormous amount of potential in this piece and want to see it rise to its full capacity of awesomeness. If you don't agree with my criticisms, please feel free to disregard them and keep this the way it is. Your opinion is what matters most at the end of the day. Don't be afraid to stick with what makes you happy.

Awesome work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Heya!!!

I really love this poem, i felt what you were talking about, the serenity and feeling of belonging to the place you came from.
Except that one part where you are saying

This barren region is such a part of who I am, I’m like
“Oh, yeah, this place? This is my home;
I’ve seen that same view a million times!
Nothing too new about it…”

Its as rose so kindly said a little too informal, for your awesome poem.
But other then that i really liked this poem. I especially love this part:

"However…thinking such thoughts pain me
because, to this very day
this barren region always takes my breath away
reminding me of a still-life portrait to the very mark
yet, I’m perfectly awake to the fact that it’s very real."

I love it please keep writing, I love the imagery it creates and the feeling.