Young Writers Society

It feels great
to finally bloom;
to raise your head to the sun;
the stars and moon.

Fate comes along
says you can't be happy too long,
strikes you with aberration;
taints you with devastation.

Strong winds
and persistent rain
combine forces
to aggravate your pain.

Struggle you may,
resist you might.
Your bent stem
may never revert up right.

The forces of life
go against you all the time
but that does not mean
you can never shine.

This poem is so good. I love the hope and encouragement it's about. I think everyone feels like that at some point in their life. I love the use of your words and the emotion. Keep writing

I liked this. It made me smile! Your rhyming wasn't consistent, it switched around so be careful. Here are some things to consider:

It feels great
to finally bloom;
to raise your head to the sun;
the stars and moon. (Maybe just take "watch the" out.)

Fate comes along
says you can't be happy too long,
strikes you with aberration;I really liked these last 2 lines.
taints you with devastation.

Strong winds (You changed your rhyming.)
and persistent rain
combine forces
to aggravate your pain.

Struggle you may,
resist you might.
Your bent stem
may never revert up right. Thought this stanza was terrific.

The forces of life
go against you all the time.
But that does not mean
you can never shine. A good way to end it!

Hello Mirasol,

It feels great
to finally bloom;
to raise your head to the sun;
to watch the stars and moon.

The first stanza is a really nice introduction to the poem. I liked the clear message and even though the language was pretty simple I liked the imagery. The only problem is that the last couplet s inflowing because the last line has more syllables in it than all of the other lines and it disrupts the great flow that you had created and it also makes the rhyming seem awkward and inconsistent.

Fate comes along
says you can't be happy too long,
strikes you with aberration;
taints you with devastation.

The second stanza is also really nice and the language is much more powerful than the beginning stanza. The only problem I have with this is that for some unknown reason you cease to continue the first rhyming pattern that you used in the first stanza and you start a brand new rhyming pattern which to me doesn't make sense. Despite that this is probably my favorite stanza and although you have completely changed the rhyming pattern I think that in this stanza the rhyming seems the least forced out of everything in this poem.

Strong winds
and persistant rain
combine forces
to aggravate your pain.

The third stanza is also pretty neat. I do have a couple of problems with this though. The first is pretty minor, you've just a had a teeny typo of a word in the second line. You wrote "persistant" when correctly spelled it would be "persistent", like I said, very minor! The next issue I have with this is the lack of punctuation, I think you should add in a little more punctuation to increase the flow but apart firm that it was pretty good.

Struggle you may,
resist you might.
Your bent stem
may never revert up right.

This part is just beautiful! I love the thought of a flower being unable to stay straight and tall even through all of its efforts. Although I do believe you mean "upright" not "up right". Apart from that small error though I really enjoyed this part.

The forces of life
go against you all the time
but that does not mean
you can never shine.

This is a really lovely ending to a pretty nice poem. The only issue I have here is that you change the rhyming pattern again here. I really don't think that was a good idea as you have already used 2 other different rhyming patterns. Even through that thought this was a pretty good stanza which stayed in my mind for positive reasons and I liked the smooth flow of the words.

From DreamingForever

Hi Mirasol!

First of all, flowers don't shine. You start off with the flower metaphor, and then the last stanza you refer to... something else. So, you might want to be consistent with that, or change your metaphor that you can actually use it for your ending! After all, your ending is supposed to pack a punch... and how can you pack a punch if you change the subject in your poem? So, just keep aware of that.

With that said, you may consider expanding your metaphor for flowers. Surely, it's not just about blooming... it's also about thrusting up from the soil, growing from a tiny little green thing poking the ground, establishing roots, developing leaves... and then the flower. So, play a lot more with that! Also, with the flower, you can have your petals ripped out, start to mold, have insects chomp on you... basically, have fun with your metaphor and let it take you where it will!

Good luck!

I loved this poem. I know poems don't have to rhyme but it is my favorite to read the ones that do. I just think it makes it more flowy and bueatiful, sometimes eerie. my favorite stanza was the "strong winds and persistant rain, combine forces to agrivate your pain." I think you are a great writer and that you should keep striving for sucess. Good job!!