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Young Writers Society


The Train



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Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:44 am
Kafkaescence says...



Here we are, at the junction where real
splits into artificial. Trains don't often come here
anymore; these tear-rusted rails are like Black Death
to them, but if we be careful, we can step over, or tiptoe
through their decaying molars. Be silent;
let us communicate in muffled poetry,
because sound can be deceptive here, loosening ringlets
of fog in its wake. That's the price of wandering,
I suppose.

Look at the sky—
dark. It reminds me of the smoke
that used to billow through here, when the days
would pass like sunlight through fog,
decaying into timelessness; flies flirted
and burnt up, and I would link little trinkets
on a chain and sacrifice them to the caboose.
It's quieter now.

When will this fog clear up?
It makes me feel broken, strangled,
lost. I want to grope, but your caressing antennae
hold me back. They feel like the zenith of my depression
and I like that. It makes me feel lustful
and nostalgic, like something was missing.
But that's only the trains.

People still come here, sometimes—
stragglers, mostly, wandering in the plane between us
and real. If you listen, you can hear them;
it's like the sound of dying engines, sputtering
away into void; now and then, one can hear
the sound of heartbeating FiveFingers,
because the ground is too charcoaled
for barefoot. Try to ignore them—they'll find their way home,
eventually.
#TNT

WRFF
  





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Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:47 am
Snoink says...



Okay! So, I loved your poem except for this stanza:

When will this fog clear up?
It makes me feel broken, strangled,
lost. I want to grope, but your caressing antennae
hold me back. They feel like the zenith of my depression
and I like that. It makes me feel lustful
and nostalgic, like something was missing.
But that's only the trains.


Caressing antennae? What is this poem directed toward? An insect? A radio tower? It seems silly. And then you talk about the zenith of the depression, and it sounds silly again because you have this great poem that just is so dark and brooding. Already, it is apparent that this person is trapped in the fog from the description that you've woven. And then you totally ruin it by telling us that this is a depression, and then throwing in adjectives that the narrator feels. Lustful, nostalgic... the adjectives are simply not needed. So yeah. After that, you return to actual imagery, so it is good again, but that stanza totally breaks up the flow.

So basically? The poem is good, but that one stanza is not.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3891
Reviews: 3821
Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:47 am
Snoink says...



Okay! So, I loved your poem except for this stanza:

When will this fog clear up?
It makes me feel broken, strangled,
lost. I want to grope, but your caressing antennae
hold me back. They feel like the zenith of my depression
and I like that. It makes me feel lustful
and nostalgic, like something was missing.
But that's only the trains.


Caressing antennae? What is this poem directed toward? An insect? A radio tower? It seems silly. And then you talk about the zenith of the depression, and it sounds silly again because you have this great poem that just is so dark and brooding. Already, it is apparent that this person is trapped in the fog from the description that you've woven. And then you totally ruin it by telling us that this is a depression, and then throwing in adjectives that the narrator feels. Lustful, nostalgic... the adjectives are simply not needed. So yeah. After that, you return to actual imagery, so it is good again, but that stanza totally breaks up the flow.

So basically? The poem is good, but that one stanza is not.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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308 Reviews



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Points: 25520
Reviews: 308
Sat Dec 10, 2011 6:09 am
AlfredSymon says...



Hiya! I really like your work because of the nostalgia it brings to me...

I clearly imagined your poem's essence as I've read it because I remember this same thing that happened to me, bringing back good, and bad, memories. But all in all, I like your poem because of the comfort it brought to me even though it was quite dark. :)

Peace out,
Al
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