Young Writers Society

Here I lay in the den
Watching angels sleep
One of the only times when
I watch an angel sleep.

Never worry, never fear
As I watch her with tender care.
Oh how I wish I could hear
Her luscious lips breathing in air.

It's all in my dreams, I know,
To even lay a finger on her
I wish she never had to go
I wish this moment would be never over

If she reads this, she'll truly think I stalk her
But I don't care one bit,
For I believe God wants me to want her.
I've already thrown a fit.

I've prayed and hoped for an answer
But just got lustful love.
So I believe God wants me to need her;
This angelic, sleeping dove.

She may not look like much to you,
But she looks beautiful to me.
To think of the things I'd like to do
Would bring me to one knee.

So as I watch this angel sleep,
I hope and watch in wonder
If Angel would wake and kiss my cheek
As I fall into deep slumber.

I want to do much more,
But we are merely kids.
Thinking about her's never a bore,
The thoughts are never hid.

It may never happen, I know this much
As I drift into slumber.
But I can dream and hope to God,
As we fall right under.

So here I lie in the den.
Wanting her blessed soul to keep.
You'll most likely know the feeling when,
You watch an angel sleep.

Hi Kenni!

First of all... angels! This is pretty interesting, because I love stuff about angels... it's a long story, lol. Anyway, I didn't really get the impression that this person that was sleeping was an angel at all, if that makes sense. In fact, the "angel" wasn't really described at all. It was mostly the narrator that was described... and wow, does the narrator seem creepy! When I was reading this, I was getting flashbacks from Twilight, where Edward is watching Bella sleep.



...something like that!

Anyway, it seemed like the narrator was trying to justify the stalkerish tendencies more than talk about what a beautiful angel this person sleeping was. Which seems a bit weird because you would expect it to be a lot less self-centered than it is. My advice? Have the narrator step back from telling this poem and focus more on the angel who should be the main subject. It'll be better that way. Good luck!

Okay! Welcome to YWS! I like this poem. The love in it is fairly unsullied and it definitely provokes a reaction. I can see her in my head, and I'm almost getting what you're feeling for her. (This concept is a very deeply emotional one, and takes a lot of emotional words.)

A couple things. Several times you use a word or a phrase that rhymes, but doesn't work well. (I'm the last person to judge you for this; when I rhyme it's pathetic at best.) For example: Don't care a bit/thrown a fit. It rhymes. But it's jarring to read; from pure smoldering agonised love to a child in a temper? Also, you probably want to put that on a separate line. The kids/hid thing also hit me hard; the hid was grammatically incorrect and hence noticeable.

Speaking of smoldering love...you spend most of the poem just looking at her; Despereaux for the Princess kind of love. (That's pretty much the only way watching her sleep can at all avoid being creepy.) So in some places the physical desire seems a bit out of place. (And creepy.) This is sort of personal preference for me; watching-her-while-she's-sleeping too easily crosses the line from Guardian Angel to Edward Cullen, and I don't like Edward Cullen.

I LOVE the last two lines! <3 It resonates! Like I said, this could easily be an emotional piece that draws the reader in and makes us feel what you're feeling. Moar poems plz! ^_^

Hey I'm Flow and I will be your reviewer for the afternoon. I ran across this poem earlier and was going to review and I forgot. (I'm a little scatterbrained at times) Anyway, I see that your new to the site and I want to welcome you and also warn you. I am a very harsh critic so you can't take my comments lightly if you choose to. My only desire is to help you improve as a writer and I tend to be very blunt about it, so I appologize in advance.

My overall opinion on this poem was that it kind of creeped me out. That is a great feat in my book you would see why if you read my poetry haha. This is a very weird creepy though, I can't tell if your actually talking about an angel or a person. The first thought that came to mind was the story of Sodom and Gomorah in the Bible where the men wanted to sleep with the angels, thus getting their city destroyed. That's the idea I got out of this. You could go in so many directions with this poem but you don't choose one, you leave us not knowing what you are talking about.

Your format in this poem is very strange. I don't like how you left a space between each line. This is obviously up to you but I would suggest changing this into stanza's or something of the sort. It will seem more organized this way and it will make it easier for the reader to read. Another thing that I noticed is that you seem to have fallen under the missconception (who knows if I spelled that right) that you have to capitalize every line of the poem. You don't have to do this, actually I would just do it at the beginning of sentences. Poetry is just like writing a story when it comes to captial letters and punctuation. If you would pass in a sentence you need to pause in the poem and you don't.

I can't review in stanza's so I'm just going to review the whole poem at once. To me it sounds like you want to have sex with an angel. There isn't really much I see going on here. You asked if you used vivid language in this poem and you didn't. You lack adjectives and adverbs with meaning and you really need this for the poem to survive. Another thing you lack is metaphors. You sit here and blandly tell us a story about doing what have you with angels and we get bored on the way down because we can't see it. We want to be able to see feel and touch what you are. I don't want you to tell me a story I want you to show me a story. Until you do this the reader can't connect with you as a writer. You really want to make the reader feel something, that's the whole point of poetry. If we don't feel anything then you'e failed as a writer. You know what you feel but what good does it do for you to know and write it if we don't know too?

You have emotion in this but your just telling us a story that could easily get confused. I hope you take this lightly and just take my advie when you write in the future. If you need anything feel free to pm me.

-Flow-

Hey there.

This is a little creepy. I'm not saying I don't like it, but I felt you were a little overbearing in your use of the word 'angel' when what you seemed to describe wasn't that at all. It felt a little contradictory in that sense. Sorry to sully this peice, but I got a very twilightish image from the start.

The idea of 'forbidden love' is strong, since you're talking about an angel and mortal, and also how you mention 'I wish' in many places. Your feelings came through, in any case. You were talking about your lust for this girl, I guess?

The reading was a bit choppy. The first two lines were alright, then suddenly they feel repetitive and I couldn't get into the story at all. The agonising love description(the parts you mention how much you want her) also clashes with the anger that you mention, anger at god or frustration at being unable to get her. So in that sense it wasn't a very smooth read. In this part-

I want to do much more,

But we are merely kids.

It felt wrong. Like the sentences didn't fit very well. So try moving it about a bit?

I felt that the narrator was just thinking about himself more than actually thinking about the girl, so maybe elaborate more on your love of the girl rather than the thought process? Other than that, I think this was a very good first try. Keep it up. And I'm sorry, I'm not usually any good with poems, but I wanted to try to tell you how I felt about this piece without being confusing. If you need clarification, feel free to PM me or just post on my wall.

Keep Writing(:
-Binder