Young Writers Society

I want it to be
1983 again.
I want you to
Hold me in your arms,
Tell me how the stars
Twinkle just for me.
I want you to show me
How to paint.
I want you to guide my hands
And show me what to do
When we kiss,
to feel your body
Against mine.
I want you to tell me that I’m
Beautiful.
I want you to show me that the greatest freedom,
Is lying in the middle of the road,
And not getting up
When you feel the ground tremble.
I want to
Cry with you,
Laugh with you,
Live with you.
I want to feel your happiness,
Your sorrow,
Your pain…
I want to feel.

But it’s 1993
And you’re gone,
And I’m left, lying
In the middle of the road;
Alone.

Hey Michael!

So, your poem raises a lot of questions which really are not answered in your poem! For instance, why 1983? Is this a reference to George Orwell's novel? Or maybe this is a significant year to you or someone close to you? If the latter is true, the significance is lost in your poem, so you might want to expand on that a little more.

Another idea that you brought up (which made me curious) was that you said this:

I want you to show me that the greatest freedom,
Is lying in the middle of the road,
And not getting up
When you feel the ground tremble.

This kind of reminds me of "Don't Fear the Reaper" in a way because this seems to be looking at suicide as a way to express perfect freedom. But, it seems silly that before this is said, the narrator seems largely concerned with spending life together, and it seems weird. Why does he want to live with her (I am assuming the narrator is a man, but this isn't definite, so I apologize if this isn't true) if he implies right above that he wants to die with her?

And the last stanza seems very out-of-place. What is significant about the year 1993? Why does he care that he is lying alone on the road (It's death either way... why does he need the company?)

So yeah, there are a couple strange things in your poem! Maybe you can take a look-over and see if you could transform those questions into more intriguing questions?

I agree with Snoink, I don't really get this piece at all. There are a lot of question's that you left unanswered. Whats neat back in 1983? Does it have any meaning to you or to the person your talking about? Are you talking about a loved one or a lover? Maybe even a family member? Etc.
There are just so many questions that I ask myself when I was reading this. How did that person leave you? Did they die? Or did you two break up? Did that person go to war or moved away? I mean the possibilities are endless. Your style seemed just a little bit over the place, other then that they kept a good pace. Your flow throughout the verses were neatly writting though the lines were very short. I think you could of added a bit more detail into this poem, describe where you are, what everything looked like. What the touch of her skin felt like or what it made you feel. If you just added a few details to those things I'm sure this poem would be great! Not saying Ididn't like it, it was very nice to read. Its something different that I have been reading for the past few days. So keep writing!
(Sorry I'm not much of help, I'm mainly a writer)
Thanks for your time!
<3 Alabaster~

Hey there!

On the subject of the year '1983', is there actually a significance to it? For me, it just felt like you chose the date and you wanted it to be significant only to the narrator and the person he's talking about. There's no problem with this, but if it is the case I think you should make more references to the year in a subtle way. You're talking very generally in the poem, so perhaps try to create some link between the title and the dates that seem completely random and more confusing than useful.

A lot of your poem felt very generalised, and this detracted from something that should have been emotional. Right now, the only bit that feels emotional is the part about lying on the road - was that meant to signify freedom, by the way? That's because it wasn't something that you'd typically find in a poem like this, whereas the rest is pretty much meaningless. Maybe you could try to work more on the road part, because it's actually a really nice idea. Perhaps at the end, instead of lying alone, the narrator could be standing at the side? Just a thought. Other than that, begin building up on that more original idea to narrow the poem down and give it more character than it has at the moment.

Hope this helps,

Amy

Michaeld,

You've gotten some great reviews already, I agree with a lot of what they say. ^-^ I'll try not to repeat anything. To start with, I do sense the emotion behind this which I liked. I do feel there is a disconnect between the first part of the poem and the last bit. Here's the part I liked:

I want you to show me that the greatest freedom,
Is lying in the middle of the road,
And not getting up
When you feel the ground tremble.

I like the image of this couple lying here in the middle of the road, and the part about the ground trembling along with the voice and the emotions behind it --absolutely chilling. I only wish that you go with this image and develop it further you know? What are they doing as they lie there in the middle of the road—what is it they're looking at? Each other? Clouds? Sky? Or maybe their eyes are closed? But I want you to go deeper with this concept. I feel as though this is the “poetry” part right here. Why are they there? But if you do go back to answer those questions, think about how to describe it and tell the story using images rather than words. Words are just words. Images – they are everything in a poem, they carry emotions, they hold experience, they tell a story.

Everything before and after this part just felt kind of weak, in my opinion. It's all “telling” about how the speaker wants to be cherished and how she (or he?) misses and longs for her/his deceased lover, but you should show us all these things in images. I feel that a lot of the expressions used in this were all really cliché. It felt hollow, when I wanted real. I wanted specific.

Something like:

“I miss his embrace so much, I feel empty inside.”

Is all very straightforward, cliché, and hollow. There's no image –nothing I can connect with. But if you turn those sentiments into an image:

“I am the shattered remains of fragile china, left forgotten in the shadows.”

Do you see a difference? Without even talking about “missing” or “longing” for anyone, you get the feeling of someone who is broken into pieces; you get the sense that they are not whole, that they are left alone in the world. There's this image of a mess—but there's no one there to clean up after it. Already, there is a lot more depth than in the first line, but what if you turn this image into a scene?

Darkness sets slowly,
revealing his absence in stark clarity.
I fumble after things: a wrinkled shirt, worn,
or comic books once leafed through,
the imprint of a kiss on a coffee mug
that trembling hands carelessly drop
and all but my fragile pieces remain.

Granted, it's not the best poem in the world, but I hope it at least serves to show you the difference between “telling” the reader something, describing an image, and then painting a scene with that image. ^_^ If you decide to go back and edit this, you should definitely play around with it. Be more specific, and just have fun with it!

~ as always, Audy

Thank you so much everyone for your helpful reviews! I definitely need to work on this, and just my poetry in general! Thanks again! These are definitely the reviews that I look for

Hi again, Michael!
As the fifth reviewer, everything that could be improved on has already been pointed out (show not tell, yadayadayada) Haha, I have trouble with showing not telling as well, so join the club! XD Hopefully, YWS will help the both of us become better poets. I'm not sure if someone already asked this, but is the part about lying in the road (my favorite stanza, by the way) an intricate metaphor for living life with risks? Or were they actually lying in the road? Or both? The reason I'm asking is because it sounds almost like a romantic suicide, yet afterward she says she wants to spend her life with him. That's just a minor detail though. The main point is, after reading this, I felt an emptiness inside. This shows that your poem really connects with the reader, which is a big acheivement. Good job, and never stop writing!
Sarah
P.S.-- The choice of date didn't really bug me as it did the other reviewers. If 1983 has sentimental value to you, than that's great, but the point of the poem gets across fine anyway.

I've skimmed the reviews, and they all pretty much have to do with significance and elaboration. So for the sake of not repeating what they've said, we're just going to assume that you intentionally left out some details because you're the writer, and you're allowed to do that. Sometimes we can't have all of the answers in a poem, sometimes we can't have all of the answers in life. We learn to manage. I don't say this to undermine what the other reviewers have said (I agree, if you're going to put a specific year in and link it to something, there are a few spaces to be filled here and there) but rather so that you don't get the idea that you have to answer everything in your work. Some things are best left for the audience to figure out, or answer in their own words. You just need to learn to balance the two.

So technically I didn't repeat... right? Let's move on.

Audy already touched on the showing vs telling bit-- good.
One thing that really dulls your piece down is the repetitious "I want, I want, I want" at the start of almost every sentence of the poem. Not to mention that all of your sentences are simple in structure, so syntax overall just lacks variety. If you go through and take Audy's advice (which is very good advice, most definitely), pay close attention to the way you start your sentences and to the structure of your sentences. Does every line read the same, or do they rise and fall, slurring in the more complex sentences and staccato in the simple? Poetry is very much like music, sometimes. The songs that really have movement, that avoid repeating themselves over and over and over... those are the songs people remember. Granted, people remember the annoying songs too, but that's usually against their will

and lastly, as everyone has already said, I love the bit about lying in the road, both in the middle of the poem and at the end. It would be a fantastic way to link the poem if you stretched out the image a bit more and add a bit of flesh, because right now it's pretty bare bones, for lack of a better way of saying it. Look at me, all cliche and hypocritical.

Not much of a review, but it's something-- hopefully it helps. I'm interested in reading your future poetry.

p.s. Snoink: Orwell's book takes place in 1984, not 1983

For the first reviewer, the title of George Orwell's Novel was not 1983, it was 1984. And there was in no way a reference to it. Second, I've seen a lot of the other reviews talk about the significance of 1983. I would like to point out that the entirety of the poem actually shows why 1983 was so significant. That is quite clear; however, I will agree that there needs to be some expansion on this poem, and editing of both structure and some language. I notice there are only two stanzas total, and I believe that this might actually help the poem in it's meaning simply because all of the events described are in one year, and seem so fluid, but to me it seems a bit awkward.

For example, these two parts would do better as two different stanzas. I feel there needs to be more pause in some places, and the beginning is a great place to start simply because the description there in red actually makes me think back to the days when I would lay under the stars with the one I loved.

Hold me in your arms,
Tell me how the stars
Twinkle just for me.

I want you to show me
How to paint.
I want you to guide my hands
And show me what to do
When we kiss,
to feel your body
Against mine.

But enough of my rambling, on to the next part.

I want you to show me that the greatest freedom,
Is lying in the middle of the road,
And not getting up
When you feel the ground tremble.

To me, when put in the context of the poem, this makes no sense. The rest of this poem is obviously describing love and loss, but it seems as though this is mis-placed. I do not understand what it has to do with either love, loss, or sorrow. Perhaps it was meant to be an image of strength, or desperation, or courage, but it does not make sense.

Overall I would rate this poem as okayish, but it still needs a lot of work before it becomes good or great. I realize that may seem a bit cynical, or even a bit rude, but I have seen many poems with great subjects, but mediocre presentation. This has potential, keep working at it and eventually you will get much better.

Pfft, I know that. The main thing is, I've seen a lot of works that say something like, "September 10, 2001" or whatever, to indicate how things were before the terrorist attacks. We don't have that level of specificity in George Orwell's work, however, so maybe 1983 was talking about before the clocks struck thirteen. Or something like that. Allusion in poetry is not dead!