Young Writers Society

So I write at the most random times... this poem kinda came to mind in the middle of sacraments class for absolutely no reason! It's not my best writing and I think I need to find a new title, any suggestions?


I see a person walking,
Ever so slowly,
Somehow I think, "Don't I know him?"
Tall, blond, thin,
Wearing an expression I have only seen on him.
It is! It must!
I know it's true,
It has to be, only you.
Running to catch up,
Out of breath by your side,
I look at you,
Up, into your eyes.
Black, cold, eerie,
These are not your eyes, clearly.
Frantic to get away,
But he starts to say,
"Are you passing through?"
What do I say?! It's not you!
I turn around,
I start to cry,
Tears leaking from my eyes.
I remember yours,
So clear and blue,
And how his, were so different from you.
Feeling so lonely.
Missing you so wholly,
Please come back,
Come back.

Hey Chezka! Dogs here with your review today! So this is a great poem. I really like the random sense of rhyming how it is in sometimes and how sometimes it is not. I would prefer it if you used the rhyming throughout the entire poem but I guess thats up to you. Anyways I love the idea of this looking for a lost lover. I love how you make this scene play out in poetry fashion which isn't an easy task to do. Anyways my favorite part is how you describe the eyes of the person you search for and how different the eyes are of the stranger you see.

This poem also leaves it to be interpreted in two different ways for the reader. The stranger could just be a stranger that you mistook for your long lost lover (what an adorable alliteration) or it could be your lover but he is so changed you don't recognize him anymore. And that uncertainty that you put in here is great, now whether or not you meant to do that doesn't really matter because you did it anyways lol. Regardless, I suggest not only focusing on his eye, try to expand upon other features, what does he smell like, what does he sound like. What does his breathing sound like, steady? Choppy? What does his heart sound like? What does his skin feel like? What does his breath smell like. These are the questions that you can answer that will further your poem and jump it into the next level of "greatness".

This is a very good poem but I think it can be a great poem. Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

A great poem to start the day. Morning seems afternoon-ish for me. Anyway's, kudos to your poem. I really like the style of how you wrote it. The unpredictable rhymes, the random number of syllables and also the small shock it gave to me when it said that I am the one you saw.

Your technique used in this piece is quite unnatural, making it very unique. I appreciate that you, as a writer, implore your readers to be in your work. You are endowing every reader a chance to be in the literary work. It made me happy to see such a work of art. (Maybe I'll use this technique too, )

With yawns and kudos,
Al

I really, really love this. I particularly like how the lines are all quite short which gives the idea the narrator in panicy and irrational. I love the description of the eyes and, like Dogs, how it could be interpreted two ways. I like the fact it only rhymed sometimes because then, when it did rhyme, it didn't feel forced. The only slight issue I had was that the flow of it and rhyme made me smile as I read, when the poem was meant to make you feel sad. Lol, I'm pretty sure thats just me being stupid though so don't worry!

Anyways really great poem, can't wait to read more from you

I really liked your poem. I can relate to this; I hate going up to someone and your all excited and then you realize it is not them. It's really embarrassing. I liked that it was short lines because it gives off the feel that the narrorator was frantic. I really liked how you described about his eyes.

"I look at you, up into your eyes. Black, cold, and eerie. These are not your eyes, clearly."

Good job!