Young Writers Society

You asked me what was i afraid of?
My fears of being hurt.

Now like a child
Without a night-light
Scared to lift the blankets.

My fears
Were almost gone.
Now they've regrown.

Could I trust?
Could you see?

A smile to the world.
I'll find my strength
One day.

I'm gonna show
What you've never seen.
A new side of me

I'll be pain free.
My smile real.
My tears gone.

C'mon Honey,
I'm moving on.
Your nothing but a memory.

You'll forget meeting me.
I'll forget you
Eventually.

Nothing but a dream,
A wish,
A fantasy. Was all I needed.

You watch.
I'll be Pain Free.

I like this, it's very... easy to relate to. I think we all have someone we need to forget.

This is my favorite line:

"I'll be pain free.
My smile real.
My tears gone."

Just because, one day I was really happy and someone pointed out that they finally saw my "real smile" for the first time, in a ling time.

Good job. and keep writing!

I absolutely love your message in this poem. My only complaint is that there's more you could do with this - you don't use much in the way of imagery, and I'd love to see some. All your audience knows is that your narrator was hurt somehow, but we have nothing concrete to see or feel or touch. So, while we can sympathize with the idea of pain or fear and lack of thereof, we can't empathize. I'd love to see more of the following,

Now like a child
Without a night-light
Scared to lift the blankets.

You have an image, and you use it! Do more like this, and you'll have a much stronger poem. For example, your narrator says:

I'm gonna show
What you've never seen.
A new side of me

And while your narrator may know what this "new side" looks like, your audience doesn't. So show us! Give us something - a before/after, maybe? Like, "No more X happening, I'll do Y." Not the best example, but it's one way to start reaching down and finding that imagery to go with what you want your narrator to express in your poem.

G'luck, and PM me if you have any questions! Thanks for what I'm interpreting as a rather uplifting read!

Mesh

Oh wow!

Hi Amberchelli.

This was one different poem compared to others. It really gave me a strong feeling. I loved this poem completely.
There is something you need to fix.

First: When you have a comma at the end, the next line shouldn't start with a capital letter. Only if there's a full-stop at the end, you may start the next line with a capital letter. I don't know why we all do it. I used to do it too, until one day I saw my friend tell me, it doesn't go like that. We don't do that when we write an essay, do we? Why do we do that, no? Lol xD Maybe to make it look better. But nope. That doesn't come in writing a poem.

Here are the corrections to your poem.

Red Marks- Corrections

Amberchelli wrote:You asked me what was I afraid of?
My fears of being hurt.

Now like a child,
without a night-light,
scared to lift the blankets.

My fears
were almost gone.
Now they've regrown.

Could I trust?
Could you see?

A smile to the world.
I'll find my strength
one day.

I'm gonna show
what you've never seen.
A new side of me

I'll be pain free.
My smile real.
My tears gone.

C'mon Honey,
I'm moving on.
Your nothing but a memory.

You'll forget meeting me.
I'll forget you
eventually.

Nothing but a dream,
a wish, a fantasy;
A fantasy.was all I needed.

You watch.
I'll be Pain Free.

That is all. I loved this poem! ^.^ Great job! Hoping to see more of your poems. (Y)

Overall: You've done an amazing job, apart from the grammar which you will watch out, next time I'm sure. x) So, maybe an 8 and a half/ 10! <3' Good job!

Keep Writing, Mate! ^o^

Love,
Cookie _V_