Young Writers Society

Nice I like it! Only when your writing bout the last hour, you tell what last vision it was of the thing your talking about, overall its good, keep up!

This piece is written in such a way that it is very open to interpretation. I think it's fantastic and really paints a picture in your mind, but I hesitate to say that I'm completely loving the vagueness of the piece. I'm completely clueless as to what it's about, so call me an idiot, but it seems it's about death and dying, yet beginning a new chapter after death.
That's an interesting way to look at things, and I'm also curious whether they are headed to heaven, hell, or some other kind of after-life? You pose life to be anguish and pain, and death to be an escape. It's a little bit suicidal in a certain manner, but at the same time that disturbing sort of aspect of it is very chilling and interesting to think about it. In my personal opinion, you should make the poem longer or somehow add more detail so as to make the poem not quite as vague.

Temi,

I love the emotions expressed in this I also thought the flow and rhythm worked together quite well. My only critique though would be to implement more images and metaphor. Utilize more sensory details so that readers are able to actually experience the poem, and by doing that connect and care about your speaker. As of right now, like Swallowed mentioned, it's a bit vague and nothing is really specific. The abstractions only serve to water down the message of the poem. Go for specific, detailed imagery and I think you can really hit the message home!

Let me know if you have any questions,

~ as always, Audy

I'm a fan of somber poetry, especially in your poem, the way you personify all these abstract ideas is really cool. I would say that, in order to make the abstract nouns you use seem more active, you should add in an interesting adjective before some of the nouns. But all in all, if you were sad or depressed when you wrote this, you did a good job of conveying that feeling, and after all, isn't that what good writing is? And if you weren't depressed when you wrote this, you sure fooled me (that's a good thing). Good job.

The way you use personification is brilliant, mixed with raw emotion really paints a dark picture. [i]The shackles of ignorance[i] really paints the picture that the selfishness holds down the person telling the poem. Nice skill with words and rhythm and words. You can really feel the depression in this poem springing out of me and keeping me reading. Great work.