Young Writers Society

Like candy floss in my mouth,
My youth waters with delight
To the sound of yellow trucks
Overwhelming sand pits with construction.

Then like a dog I lunge for the ball
And bathe in moist soil
That now occupies a home,
Beneath my finger nails.

But then I grow up, or so mother says
To grow a beard, though I dare say t’is patchy
And I shoot a duck, a rabbit, a deer...
And catch my golden prize: a three foot salmon

I use to love the water, the realm of salmon fish
I used to love the fields, the home of wild deer
Now the waters churn our future, like a gipsy nomad
And in the fields we all put down our playing cards

We are boys again, every man a bullseye
One down, only millions to go
I can see my ghost in front of me
Ashamed to inhabit this body any longer

We wave farewell and I am now soul-less
On something like July 4th,
When fireworks whizz through the sky
Like a swarm of killer bees

And now I am old:
And every inch of this beard tells a story
So now I have a pistol and i can shoot:
A duck, a rabbit, a deer, a man, myself.

I pray to the father, the son and the holy ghost
Then I see him, white and pure before my eyes
They really should draw heaven on a map
Since, a lot of people like to go there.

*So I'm kind of still deciding if I should have commas in there or not, if anyone has thought let me know *

EmmaGrayce wrote:Like candy floss in my mouth,
My youth waters with delight
To the sound of yellow trucks
Overwhelming sand pits with construction.

That part was a bit awkwardly stated. I would suggest putting in some kind of verb rather than the adjective 'overwhelming'. Something like, 'dominating sand pits through means of construction' or even conquering, if you will.

EmmaGrayce wrote:Then like a dog I lunge for the ball
And bathe in moist soil
That now occupies a home,
Beneath my finger nails.

Describe the dog, the ball, something. It needs more imagery in order to paint a picture in my mind. When I think bathing and soil, I'm thinking more of mud. Try a different word other than bathe perhaps? Or maybe a different adjective to describe the mud rather than 'moist'.
But I must say, I absolutely loved the last two lines of that stanza. The only critique I would have might be to stick in the adjective "dirtied' next to finger nails.

Those first two stanzas just didn't have the same oomph as the rest of the poem did, and they lacked imagery and feeling. This is just my personal opinion, and I hope you take my thoughts into consideration
I definitely think it's worth revising because the idea and concept behind the piece is something worth improving on and reposting. Keep writing!

Hey Emma! Dogs here with your review today! Nice poem you have! Great imagery and great description you use. Really painting an image in my head. And reffering to your last comment, yes you defnietly should use commas. I encourage everyone to use perfect grammar in their poem because it helps the flow. But of course it is up to you as the writer.

Now, although this poem is good and has great imagery I do have a couple things that if i were you I would add in, such as making the reader feel like your character in the story more. For example, in the second stanza when you are feeling the dirt you have to tell us how it feels. You have to make a stronger connection to your life as a kid and how you let it go and how it slipped through your fingers like the sand in your hand. That would be a good possible line if you wanted to use it (*hint hint *wink wink*).

Quite ironic how in the end the old man commits suicide. Oh irony. Anyways thats all I really have to say for you. Keep up the good work!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

What up dawg! I like the progression and the way time elapses in your poem. I can tell that you were going for a disoriented/hazy mood? If I'm wrong, let me know. I liked it. If I had to make a suggestion, I would say that you should
try and convey it more from the beginning that the character is aging. It took me a few reads to get that this was about some kid who's depressed (right?) and used to do innocent things who gets darker and more jaded as the poem progresses (*again, this is what I got and, if this isn't what you were aiming for, it's really okay; poetry has different meanings for every reader). What I'm suggesting is that you try and use more words and descriptions at the beginning that illustrate youth and innocence. Overall though, great poem and nice use of lists and concrete nouns (deer, fish, salmon etc.).

Thanks for the reviews, well yes it is about someone who is depressed but that is due to him having gone to war. "In the fields we all put down our playing cards" and "every man a bulls-eye/ one down, only millions to go" etc... The man started out living a very innocent life as a child and when he came of age he was sent to war and ended up killing more than just animals.
Thanks