Young Writers Society

I speak for my people
of the bold proud lips
and singing in church
and fists held high.

I speak of suffering,
for the kids who's fathers are too far into prison
to tuck them in at night.
For the minds that sit restless
because their capacity isn't realized.
Not by the shiny tight belts or the clean pressed suits,
and because of these painful silver handcuffs.
They look too much like shackles anyway.

I speak of potential,
that's lost in a world where athletics or music are the only way out
the only path North to Freedom.
A world where the word colored isn't just a type of TV screen
but a label that holds us back.
"No you aren't welcome here, boy."

I speak for music.
For the purple wailing soul,
heavy throbing bass,
and blue words that always scream with pain.

I speak for cotton.
For sharp southern sunlight,
for cornmeal, and sheads,
for rape, whips, tears
and bastard half-breed babies.

I speak for the ghetto.
For the white picket fences
with too much graffiti to conform.
The streets are cracked and patched,
and the windows are barred up
so sunlight makes prison stripes on the floor.
Where home isn't home until morning,
so don't come back after dark.

I speak for pride,
for the I have a dreamers
and the "We shall not be moved."
In the buses and the soda shops./
For the X's and the Jr.'s
I speak of love, family, and culture.
I speak for Black.

Hey Thersitis! Crito here with your review today! I really loved this poem, it is so strong and stock full with great imagery and description. You really talk about your nationality proudly and powerfully leaving an impact on the reader which is typically your goal as the writer to do. Anyways you have great rhythm in this poem but I feel like some of your longer lines should be cut into two different lines because it throws off the rhythm a little bit at those moments. For example when you say:

"for the kids who's fathers are too far into prison to tuck them in at night."

Wayyy to long and it dosn't fit in with the short and sweet lines that you have going to well in the stanza. So maybe do something like:

"for the kids who's fathers are too far
into prison to tuck them in at night."

Or when you say:

"For the white picket fences with too much graffiti to conform"

Great line but a little to long... maybe:

"For the white picket fences
with too much graffiti to conform"

And finally:

"Where home isn't home until morning, so don't come back after dark"

I love this line sooo much, so strong and an amazing implication you put in here. But you even have a comma at a perfect spot so breaking this up should be easy and make this flow better, at least, in my opinion.

"Where home isn't home until morning,
so don't come back after dark."

Thats all I really have to say, great Poem Thersities! Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello there thersites! I'm Demoness and I'll be inflicting my opinion on this little piece of yours!

First of all, I really enjoyed this poem as to what story it tells and what it contains. All though, I feel like the structure of it was a bit wobbly with various number of lines in each stanza as well as lines that were way too long. I'd suggest you try create some sort of pattern, mainly to ease the flow and give the poem some rythm but also to give a better overall impression.

I would also like it if you tried to add some more imagery to the piece, it didn't exactely lack of it - and on occasions I was quite impressed. But there are alot of dull lines that either are short and plain or either long, but speak to straight forward - not painting a picture. Show - Don't Tell.

"I speak for music.
For the purple wailing soul,
heavy throbing bass,
and blue words that always scream with pain."

This stanza was lovely. Creative writing, great imagery and the rythm was quite fine even if the last line could've been divided into two.

Overall - Great job. I'll give this piece 3/5 icky, sticky spiders and I'll through in some grapes for the message this poem delivered. Very good!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Wow. This is one crazy amazing poem. I love it, I really do. Firstly, your imagery was fantastic! Serious, I am speechless. I'll try and suck it up, though.

I did agree with dogs about the line breaks.
One of my favorite lines (I have a couple) is:

I speak of potential,
that's lost in a world where athletics or music are the only way out

You say so much in this line.

The next are, in my opinion, the most powerful stanzas:

I speak for cotton.
For sharp southern sunlight,
for cornmeal, and sheads,
for rape, whips, tears
and bastard half-breed babies. I feel like I can hear you talking in this stanza. (I may just be way too tired...)

I speak for the ghetto.
For the white picket fences with too much graffiti to conform. Such a great line!
The streets are cracked and patched,
and the windows are barred up
so sunlight makes prison stripes on the floor. Again, a great line. The window in my basement does that, so I can picture it exactly.
Where home isn't home until morning, so don't come back after dark. So much meaning in this line.

Honestly, this is one of the best poems I've read in a while. Thanks so much for posting.