Young Writers Society

Hear that? That is the sound
Of my heart trying to beat,
But it’s too shattered; broken
The sky fallen below my feet.

Rain follows my every step
As I trek the road of darkness,
Thunder laughs at my soul
I walk on regardless.

Shadows engulf my petite form
Clawing at my life, my fears,
A withering rose sheds its petals
Falling, falling; ripe, crimson tears.

We are as one, both withering
Both shedding velvet; Fading,
It’s jagged edges, my sharp veins
Both beautiful, both forfeiting.

And so death took us
We were finally free,
A painless sleep
No more crimson tears shall escape me.

I feel....sorrow. I love the metaphor you use with the flower and crimson tears, and the word wither just really makes the piece so much more.....I don't know, but it illustrates the theme quite well. Every line of your poem overflows with metaphors and emotions it's impossible to not feel what's happening. The only mistake here is this:

samii27 wrote:The sky fallen below my feat.

I believe you meant feet.
But other than that there are no spelling errors. I honestly love this poem to death because it's so rich in imagery and emotion and metaphors, but I've already said, that, I guess I'm at a loss for words. Phenomenal piece!Phenomenal!

Hi Samii,

I really love your poem Crimson Tears.

It really speaks about us people as person and not viewed as anything else. You also showed the pain in love and the consequences in breaking it.

I didn't see any flaw in your work, so keep it up. This is your rating:

Good luck writing!
Al

This is a really beautiful and sad poem. I love it. My only problem would be the last stanza because it seems forced. That is all though. It is sad and it gave me such a sense of helpless doom. It is really amazing.

Great work samii27! Your poetry has touched my heart and my thoughts. Thank-you.

hi! I'm drama and I'm here to review you!

Hear that? That is the sound
Of my heart trying to beat,

This spacing feels a bit off to me. Maybe...

Hear that?
That is the sound of my heart trying to beat,

But it’s too shattered; too broken

It’s jagged edges, my sharp veins
Both beautiful, both forfeiting.

To me, these two lines are kind of jammed together and aren't meant for each other. Maybe it's just me, but they don't fit.



Wow. This is... dark, but very very well written. I'm quite impressed. Usually, I really don't like dark poetry. But these surprised me by being extremely good, and very very meaningful. I actually felt something when I was reading this, which doesn't happen very often.

Good job!
~Drama

Samii,

I like the poem and I like the intentions, there is definitely a lyrical quality to this, love the shedding velvet line. I do like the images here, the picture of rain as some kind of stalker, I thought that was very nice.

The rhymes seem a bit forced though. For example, when you get to here:

But it’s too shattered; broken
The sky fallen below my feet

I was engrossed with your first three lines, and how you're describing the erratic beating, and then all of a sudden we're talking about the sky - it seems to come out of no where, though I understand you have to rhyme with "beat" yet it seems an almost detriment to the poem.

The rhyme itself, while it adds a musical aspect to the poem, if you were going for something dark and for some broken emotions, your rhyming hurts this intention. The ABCB rhyme structure you have here, functions to keep the poem light and boppy. It doesn't seem to match with the tone you're going for though. So think about that. Maybe you'll be better off without the rhymes?

Especially with that ending xD It seems really macabre, and yet, the impact of us doesn't really hit us as hard because it's difficult to take it seriously with the rhymes.

I hope this helps,

~ as always, Audy