Young Writers Society

I miss the old us, the were us.
I want the re-us, a new us.
Lets change up our ways.
And take back the old days.

Make our past our present. And i'll have you
As my Christmas gift.
Wrap up with a mistletoe.
While I whistle your favorite carol.....

Roll out of bed, yawning to that hopeless and dead
Dream, just hoping to scream at the crack of dawn.
Without a smile on My face to show I just.
Woke up from a hopeless and dead; pair
On the rusted swing set after our love; a dare.

We swing, sing, and laugh with no vision of the past.
Or momentum to recollect why?
Why? the rust, the loss the death.
Its gone now.

A hole in the surface of our playground.
The walkway of passion and treats of joy.
Its all package.
No return label or future destination.
Just afloat in the sea of remorse.
Along with thousands of sunken promises,
The debris of many hearts, and most importantly
Your words leaking out of a broken bottle.
Oh and then theirs you and I,

Sinking

Endlessly beyond
Beach,
Sea Caverns, and
Bedrock.
All components built from strong courageous
Statements, to fragile giggles.

Beneath the surface we're surrounded.
Multiple bodies dissolve, and wrinkle, intertwining
Hands locked forever. Nothing will break them apart.
Nothing
Not even the poison leaked from the bottle above.
Nothing
Not even the solar winds of hurricanes sent from the Gods.
Nothing
Not even the kiss of Hell, that sets the worlds dry,

Cause together we died. And remained in stone.
This is detailed love. An event of no recourse....

Now my day is set before me. I get back up
On the bus. Salute my friends, wave and smile.
Leap on to school. Laugh act a fool.
And then,

I stop short of you.
Blush, blood rush, my heart skips to your touch up.
But I don't fall. My knees just buckle.
I walk past and continue to laugh.
Cause that was our moment not an order of
Continuance.

Just a moment, snapped shut with reality.
That our hands broke fee beneath the sea.
And our lives.

Well just normal,
Lamron of sanity!

Hey there!

Okay, well, to start with, I think you did a great job with imagery and metaphor. There were some really lovely lines. I loved the first two lines, the "were us" and the "re-us." I also really liked this:

"Make our past our present. And i'll have you
As my Christmas gift.
Wrap up with a mistletoe.
While I whistle your favorite carol....."

However, there is something that bugs me about this stanza, and that is the fact that the sentences are too short. I mean, a short sentence or two now and then is okay, but you do this constantly throughout the poem - break up sentences into short sentences or even fragments, which in turns breaks up the flow of the poem. I think you should consider letting some of these lines flow together - in other words, less periods. Here's an example, using the same stanza:

"Make our past our present. And I'll have you
as my Christmas gift
wrapped up with mistletoe
while I whistle your favorite carol."

Of course you wouldn't have to do it exactly that way - there are many different ways that you can break up the lines, so you have a lot of options here. But I like I said, I would definitely consider letting some of these sentences run together rather than breaking them into so many fragments.

~Blue

Thank You for the feedback, I've been trying to eliminate the constant use of periods.

Hi Isaac!

Okay, so this is pretty interesting! Just a couple of things... first of all, sometimes you capitalize "Me" and "My" and varients of this and sometimes you don't capitalize "I." What is the meaning of this? At first, I thought this was hinting that the narrator was a god of sorts, since gods names and pronouns and such which describe gods are generally capitalized out of reverence. So, at first I thought it was on purpose, but it seems a little bit too random, so I am confused.

Next of all... the pacing. It really slows down toward the middle when you talk about how these people die in this really dramatic fashion, and then you talk about school buses and so it seems at a clumsy dawdle, and... well... let's just say the pacing of the poem doesn't quite make sense, and I think you should play with it to make it better.

Also, speaking of that... you have this dramatic death scene in the middle, and then you decide to end it with something typical? It seems so weird and anticlimatic.

Also. When you
write like
this
it lends itself
to be
really
jerky

...just so you know.

Anyway! I don't know. For me, this seems like a poem that you were experimenting with a bunch of things at once, and I am not sure you necessarily succeeded. Remember that half of poetry is building up conflict in your words. You can build conflict up with being random, it's true, but you need to be really specific about your randomness if you want to successfully pull it off. Otherwise, it'll just look weird.

Also, take care of the pacing. If you want to sprint, sprint. If you want to dawdle, dawdle. If you want for the poem to drown, then let it drown. But, make sure that the poem doesn't drown (like it does in the middle) and then dawdles. If you must, make it leap before it dawdles. The way it is doesn't really make sense.

Gah... I sincerely hope this review makes sense! If you have any questions, just PM me.