Young Writers Society

I watched you leave.
I watched you leave into the darkness.
Longing to go I stayed behind.

This darkness is something that drives you insane.
Making your mind sick with sorrow.
This darkness kills you slowly.

You were hurt.
I wanted to make all your pain go away.
All I could do was hold you and cry.

Saying goodbye is never easy.
giving into this darkness makes it worse.
Death only makes it worse.

Hi there, Gloss!

What you did rather well was capture the speaker's feelings into this poem. However, I think you were a bit too straight-forward with it and didn't really leave the reader anything to work with. Many poetry readers want to use the metaphors and other things to form their own interpretations of the poems they read, and if everything is laid out too easily for them, they don't get to do it. Here I think you might have been too nice, if you could say that -- you've used such basic language that it's difficult to interpret as anything else than its primary meaning. You're very welcome to tease the readers a bit and hide the things you actually want to say, between the lines where they're more difficult to see right away.

Long story short: You could try using some metaphors to achieve a more poetic feel to your poems

Another thing to pay attention to is the rhythm. Here, it's rather choppy, because all the lines start with a capital letter and end in a full stop. If you try reading it out loud (which is what you should always do when writing/reading a poem!) you'll see what I mean. A certain choppiness fits some styles and can create a strong effect, but it's only effective if it's used in some places -- not throughout the poem. So to create a smoother, more flowing text, try replacing some periods with commas and taking some away altogether. All lines don't have to be separate, you can also fuse things together to get rid of the choppiness I mentioned.

I hope these things helped you a bit and good luck in your future writings!


Demeter
x

Oh, this is poignant. I love the whole idea of darkness, especially since death is involved here. It makes it really dark and creepy and mysterious. I like it!

All right, so... if this is about death (and it certainly seems like this because of the very last line) you may consider going more into the details.... if you can, that is. You mentioned insanity, and you mentioned that you wanted to go with this person, but you stayed behind. I think you should delve into those details more. What was insane about this? Why did you want to go? Why did you stay behind? Those sorts of questions pop up, and I think, if you can answer them poetically somehow, you ought to try. Right now, there seem to be a lot of unresolved questions, and it would be awesome to see them get answered. I mean, not all questions need to be resolved, but sometimes it's good to have one huge zinger sometimes. I don't know... play around with it a little bit! But, right now, I think your mention of insanity is a little bit too vague.

Another thing which you might consider... your theme of darkness. Right now, the person dying is going through darkness. It might add an additional interesting layer if you could say, somehow, that the person left behind is also in a darkness of sorts. After all... isn't this kind of what happens? The cloud of grief, as it were! So, you could definitely add a layer of complexity here.

Nice poem!

Hi Gloss!

Cookie here xx. Well, I love the idea about this poem but I think that it sounded a little uncompleted. It was nicely written and the expressions were good too, but I think it wasn't... It didn't come out that well. Sorry to say this...

You'll understand as we go on :

gloss1 wrote:I watched you leave.
I watched you leave into the darkness.
Longing to go I stayed behind.

The last line was totally uncompleted. It left me curious. Why did you stay behind? Why couldn't you go? All these things weren't explained, you see.

gloss1 wrote:This darkness is something that drives you insane,-This line was too long.
making your mind sick with sorrow.
This darkness kills you slowly.

Again, the last line is left uncompleted. How does it kill you? Why does it kill you?

gloss1 wrote:You were hurt. -This line is too short.
I wanted to make all your pain go away.
All I could do was hold you and cry.

I loved this stanza. It was very touching. Keep it up!

gloss1 wrote:Saying goodbye is never easy.
Giving into this darkness makes it worse.
Death only makes it worse.

Okay now, I'm confused. Did the darkness kill the person? Yes, how? No, why say good-bye?

Overall: I think you can work on this again. Maybe edit it. Also watch out for the lines. Don't make it too big or too small. I think this poem is unfinished. So, I can give you 6.5/10.

Good one, but improving will be better! xD

Keep Writing, my friend ~!

Cookie <3'