Young Writers Society

So this is very rough because I literally just wrote this. Tear it apart! XD

Stepping closer...
Nearer and nearer to the edge.
Darkness lapping out of the endless void.
It invites me, welcoming almost.

Enticing...
Just a few more steps.
Then I can leave this nightmare,
To enter a painless world.

Desperate now...
Just one more step,
All hurt would be gone then.
I have to.

Just leap...
It's overwhelming now.
I start to question myself,
Screaming into emptiness.

I make my choice...
To hell with this life.
My last decision here, finally,
Welcoming the next.

I jump...
Oh God, I hope I was right.
Is this relief,
Or yet more pain?

Falling...
Water approaches fast,
I start to panic,
But let go.

Finally at ease...
I feel light.
Scared for what is to come,
But no one cared.

Fully aware...
Jarring impact as I hit,
And my lungs fill with water.
There's only one thought in my mind now.

You're just a bit late.

I believe I shall go stanza-by-stanza, lovely.

First stanza- I kind of like the mental image, but it seems a bit... disjointed. For sure, the punctuation makes it sound stilted. I don't think you need a full stop at the end of each line, perhaps a comma or a semicolon to keep the flow of the words going. A full stop makes the reader pause for just too long for there to be comfortable flow in the middle of a stanza. As for the last line, I feel like "welcoming almost" should be "almost welcoming" - it's more in the modern structure like everything else.

Second stanza - I think my big complaint about this is the first line. I feel like it could be "It's enticing", to give the reader a sense of there being a subject to that line, but it is your writing, and you make the choice. Also, at the end of the third line, you can go without the comma altogether for a smoother sentence (and proper conventions!).

Third stanza - I don't know whether I like the first line as it is now or as "I'm desperate now..." - and the wording of the third line seems awkward. Perhaps "and then all hurt would be gone"? Or something like that. If you're going to include the comma (not a semicolon) on the end of the second line, you need to use a conjunction to connect the two independent clauses. Even "and all hurt would be gone then" would likely work better.

Fourth and fifth stanzas I like - but that's probably because I'm not looking at them the way I would if I were just reading this. Some of the wording is a little awkward within them, such as the fourth stanza "I start to question myself,/Screaming into emptiness". For some reason, I feel like it might work better as "I'm questioning myself". In the fifth stanza, "My last decision here" - I don't know why, but it sounds a little awkward.

Sixth stanza - in the second line, after "Oh", there ought to be a comma. I think that's actually about it, but I'll take another look at it later.

Seventh stanza - at the end of the second line, the comma ought to be a semicolon, to keep the flow going strong. There shouldn't be a comma at the end of the third line. It interrupts the feeling of falling, for me at least.

Eighth stanza - "Scared for what is to come,/But no one cared." This feels a little... awkward? Maybe if you reworded it, but I'm not sure how. "Scared of what's ahead" ? I have no idea.

Ninth stanza - no comma at the end of the second line? Also, could the full stop at the end of the last line be a colon to lead into the final line of the poem? Just a few suggestions.

Overall, including the last line as a fine bit of strong, it's a nice poem. I think your weakness here is definitely punctuation - speaking as a poet who hardly uses any, you're reining yourself in by using too much. I was at that point once, where every line needed a comma or a full stop or something to distinguish it from the rest. Let it go and let the flow rule, and see how the poem turns out then.

Peace out.

I'm not quite sure what to do with your poem - you're dealing with difficult subject matter, for sure, but at the same time, I've heard and seen it all before. Your added challenge here is making your audience care about this instance, why do we care about this narrator? I'll get back to the "meat" of the poem in a sec, but in general, I'd advise against using ellipses as much as you have here - used sparingly, they can be very effective, but used too often, and I think the intended effect is lost. I liken it to music - crescendo and decrescendo are only as effective as what they start from - loud to louder doesn't have the same effect as soft to loud.

Back to content more, I think you could play with the idea of "darkness" or the cliff, but be weary, as they have been used before. Making either your own could be difficult. However you can definitely do it! If you want darkness, find a way to connect it to the idea of not feeling you bring up. Heck, you could find a way to connect darkness to the cliff, instead of using the cliff. I'm not sure how well it would work, but that's up to you - see if you can twist everything to one image or metaphor, just to do it. You could end up with a much more interesting poem for your audience, and a new spin on a topic that so many have written on before.

Regardless, happy editing! Play around with words and images, and see what you come up with! I hope the results can help! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.