Young Writers Society

Little , that I have got ,to share
Nothing to lose, of the thought lion’s share .
In the midst of everyone , I am no where
I want to hold my hand
And run away to far away land
The urge inside me , excuses itself for a chuckle.
The “hand” , which I called mine
Is already in someone else’s knuckle.

The stardom took away the star inside me
Bright light of stalking cameras
Took with itself the light of me
Some ask to pen down the success story
How to say , I miss the myself of me
A sudden gush of air fills me with nauseaness
How I had longed for this day
My hunger for success , has now turned to starvation
I have got plenty, yet nothing for me.

People stare at this perfection
Rather of sympathizing on my condition
Am living, for the sake of living
Just to fight of another day
Moving amidst of people, I have last myself into them
Looking down the champagne’s aura
How deep it is, how dense it is
That I drank myself into it.
Alienated from myself ,since the day
I sold million copies of my book
“A rose , is a rose” ,
Having not regained myself today
With the book I withered away
I feel robbed by a sophisticated crook
Counting on my peace, contentment
Among others, on list of robbed items.

Only to be met
By a cloud, not having a silver lining
I feel blinded, with all the glitter around me
Darting a glance around, for an unattended guest
My eyes meet upon with twinkling eyes
Unable to recognize the familiar conscience
I rush across the well-lit hallway for that
Dark silhouettes with twinkling eyes.
Apologizing profusely, I look confused in his eyes

A smile by which I haven’t been met since
A twinkle in eyes and bubbling energy
Hunger in eyes and passion in mind
Aah! It’s me , left far behind in this stray,
My success story.

Hey Sakshi,

I think that this has potential. I caught quite a bit of what could be a really nice poem there, but at the same time, I found a lot of it was worded slightly clumsily and it just didn't flow quite as well as it could do. But don't worry! That can be fixed. I think you could make this much, much better with a little editing.

First of all, I was a little bit confused by the first stanza.

Little, that I have got, to share
Nothing to lose, of the thought lion’s share.
In the midst of everyone, I am no where
I want to hold my hand
And run away to far away land
The urge inside me, excuses itself for a chuckle.
The “hand”, which I called mine
Is already in someone else’s knuckle.

This is probably a bit fussy of me, but it bothered me how there was so much space around the commas -- a space between the word and the comma following it. I've just taken out that space because I think it makes it smoother to read.

Again, there are a lot of things which confuse me about this stanza.

The first line has two unecessary commas in it and I find the wording a bit ... mixed up. I'd change it to read quite simply: "There is little that I have to share". The second line doesn't make sense at all, in my opinion. What is the thought lion's share meant to be? I think you need to make it much clearer. I understand that poetry uses metaphors but I find this one very difficult to understand. In the next line, I'd change the "no where" to one word, "nowhere". The next line I find ... odd. Why would somebody want to hold their own hand? Still, there's nothing very wrong with that line or the next one.

The urge inside me, excuses itself for a chuckle.

Again, this is another line I think you need to rephrase to make it clearer.

In the line after that, the quotation marks around the word "hand" confuse me -- why are they there? To me, it seems like they're implying that the "hand" isn't really a hand, which I find a bit odd.

Also, the next line -- how can a hand be inside someone else's knuckle?

I'm not going to edit every single stanza, simply give you some tips to try and edit them yourself.

1) Try not to over-complicate sentences. Try and make them clear and even as simply as possible without losing the meaning. Instead of saying things such as "it wasn't not" just say "it was". I know that's a random example, but you do seem to complicate some lines a little more than you should.

2) Keep going with the imagery and metaphors -- but try not to make them too absurd. Personally, I don't find the image of someone with somebody else's hand in their knuckle poetic. And I have no idea what a thought lion is, in the context.

3) I think you need to try and concentrate the poem a bit more. Cut out any unnecessary parts. Now that you've written the draft, think about what the focus of the poem is. Think about what it's saying, and how simply you can put that across. Try and make it a little shorter but clearer. Focus on a few main images and make them fill up the poem.

Again, I'm not saying that this is a bad poem at all -- in my opinion, it just needs a lot of editing. Keep trying to make it clearer and better, using the tips above especially -- good luck.

Keep writing,

~MorningMist~

I think you've got a lot of good imagery and figurative language, and this works well as an "insanity poem" (google "A Cloud in Trousers" by Mayakovsky). But my problem with it is found primarily in the first stanza: Overuse and misuse of commas! Most of the commas you used in the first stanza are completely unnecessary - they served no purpose and were not even used in place of correct punctuation; rather, they were used randomly where there shouldn't have been any punctuation at all. Don't use commas except where commas are actually needed! I know people tend to go a little comma-crazy when writing poetry (most people put a comma at the end of every line, which is incorrect usage), but seriously, just go easy with them. Okay?

Also, nauseasness should be "nausea."

Loved your title, but I'd like an "an" in there before the word "artificial."