Young Writers Society

My walls are built,
My armour unbreakable
We can't relate,
You think vulnerable
Is good

I like to hide
Behind my brick walls
And my steel shields
But you, you will walk
Into battle with nothing to
Protect you.

You say that Feelings should be shared,
Or else we will implode
But why should such a silly thing as Feeling
Affect me like an arrow
Or a kiss

Our views may be different,
But we both say
That the consequences of each of our actions
Are the same

You look like you're happy
As if bliss is your shield
You say we don't need armour
To protect us from this world

And you know I can't agree
For when my heart appears, I flee
From the world, and I crouch inside
The little crevice where my feelings hide

I want to know your secret
To how you can't be bothered
I know someday your bliss
Will crack and faulter
But for now, please tell me
How I can share my thoughts
Please tell me
How I can be shieldless
Armourless
Oh, please, please tell me
How I can be walless

Hi Pickle!

No, this isn't terrible! Actually, this poem is ripe for potential. You deal with a lot of fascinating issues in a compare and contrast way. I like it!

If I were to do a summary, I would say that the narrator has been very hurt in her previous relationships (I am guessing the narrator is a she... forgive me if I am wrong!) and, to protect herself, has put up all these walls to protect her from future heartbreak. When she meets this person, who apparently does not have the same walls, she is struggling to understand why she is so hurt, even with all her walls, whereas the other person, who doesn't have walls, doesn't seem hurt at all.

So, it seems like she's wondering about the justice of it. She doesn't agree with what this person does, yet she is desperate to know because she is so injured all ready that the walls are suffocating her. Though she originally built up the walls to protect herself, she subconsciously realizes that the walls are imprisoning her and keeping her from freedom, as with the other person. She wants this freedom... but she is cynical and, again, at a subconscious level, is dubious that this freedom is even possible. You can see that when she says that "I know someday your bliss/ Will crack and faulter." And yet, she is desperate for the freedom and asks how to be wallless.

So yeah! A bunch of really interesting ideas here. I love all the drama and inherent conflict.

As to how you can improve? I think that, if you're a little more specific, it might help. I think it might be cool if the narrator defended her position more and tried to justify why it was necessary to have all that armor. You kind of deal with it now, but you can definitely expand on that. Also, I kind of wanted to see what exactly this optimist does and what relationship the optimist has with the narrator, because if they are actually in a romantic relationship, this would definitely be interesting.

Anyway! Just a couple of ideas, if you want to play with them. But, really, it's a neat story. I like.

Thanks for the nice comment! Actually you got it spot on, so kudos to you! Also, thanks for the tips, I'll think about how I can incorporate that in.

Hey, Pickle! ^.^

It's superb that you've attempted to write poetry. It's an art form much appreciated and tells so much about the poet's thoughts and the notions that he/she may conceive on the world. This is a very good piece. And I love it to bits. Free verse isn't something I'm particularly fond of, but when it has such a profound and deep message that connects with me, I'm genuinely smitten by it.

The style of your poem really reminds me of the way my besty writes. You both certainly have that great poetic voice within you. If this is your first attempt, It's an attempt worth bragging about The simple language and deep, strong emotional conflict in the narrator's tone emits a feeling that makes me want to sympathize with the persona.

The story about you meeting this person and being so confused as to how he/she can be so 'wall-less' in a world where hurt and tragedy aren't hard to come by is cute and endearing. You talk about how this person enjoys life with nothing but bliss as an 'armour'. Towards the end, you show your admiration and respect towards this individual and you want to walk in the same direction as this person does. It's a good transition from the first half where the narrator was trying to be cynical and a non-believer.

My only nit-pick about this poem is that you're describing that individual more than you actually are describing the narrator's character. It becomes really one-sided this way and because of this, my attachment towards the narrator isn't really as strong as it could have been. Though I'm just being a bit too picky. xD
Also, it's like the final line of each stanza looks like a statement that defines the stanza's summary in a nutshell. At least to me, it brings out that idea. Maybe you could implement this somehow and build on making it a defining point in the story's premise. Though the way you've laid it out seems pretty good too

All in all, excellent job. Please to write more poetry. The world always needs more poets. So keep the ink flowing. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Murtuza