Young Writers Society

If a person calls out
When no one's there to hear him,
Does he hope for the best
Or does he keep moving with precision?

A journey is a step
Taken again and again
But can that step last when
One's without ambition?

The skies are getting darker,
And the wind is growing harsh
Tears fall and I feel the pain
Of the dreadful step being taken
Again and again.

But no! Is that blue I see,
Up there, where grey clouds should be?
And has the wind fallen asleep,
The stillness reassuring me?

Can the Sun be shown once more
And display her shining rays?
Has she come at last to tell me
That she thinks me the same?
I'm still the reason she shines on,
And my journey is her's to light.

My steps are bouncing once again,
And I no longer can understand
The hunch-backed sorrows
Who I once accepted as my friends

My journey is coming to a halt,
My goal not far away
But don't worry, O' Sweet Sun
You can still light my way

Through troubles and through pleasures
I've made it here today
Now as I'm lowered to my grave
I see the sky starting to cry
Please! Don't worry! I've done the impossible!
I've made the journey of my lifetime.

Love your poem! How it flows really isn't bad, though if you play a bit with how you break up your lines, it could make the poem flow better without changing any of the words.
For example:
"My steps are bouncing once again,
And I no longer can
Undertand the hunch-backed sorrows
Who I once accepted as my friends"
If you maybe put understand on the line above (right after can) then had "the" start the new line, I personally think it would flow better.
As for being hard to understand, I had no issues with that.
Anyway, like I said before, I really love your poem!

Hey Pickle! XD

Cookie here. I wouldn't say this was terrible or the flow was REALLY REALLY BAD but, I can say that the flow was different as I went on. It had different topics. Though, your poem had good expressions. You've used good words and if this poem actually had a good flow, it would be a really good piece but, since the poem lacks the flow... I guess, its a tad bad. The flow is the main part of a piece. For example, you read a story, does it ever lack any flow? No, it makes complete sense and has the correct flow. But you, my friend, lacked flow and when you lacked the flow, some parts didn't make sense.

Apparently, your poem was at this order:

First two paragraphs: About ambition

The 4,5 and 6TH paragraph: About weather.

The 7TH paragraph: About accepting circumstances as friends.

The 8TH paragraph: Weather, again.

The 9TH paragraph: Life.

Your ideas are wonderful but, with how you've mixed them up went wrong. That's why the flow wasn't there. Apart from that, this is wonderful! xD
*************************************************
Going on ~:

Picklesole wrote:If a person calls out
When no one's there to hear him,
Does he hope for the best
Or does he keep moving with precision?

A journey is a step
Taken again and again.
Again
But can that step last when,
When one's without ambition?

These two paragraphs were good. It was curious and understandable. It talks about a person's ambition and the steps he'll have to take. I loved these two stanza's though, do work on the lines. Don't make it too short nor too big.

Picklesole wrote:The skies are getting darker,
And the wind is growing harsh
Tears fall and I feel the pain
Of the dreadful step being taken
Again and again.

But no! Is that blue I see,
Up there, where grey clouds should be?
And has the wind fallen asleep,
The stillness reassuring me?

Can the Sun be shown once more
And display her shining rays?
Has she come at last to tell me
That she thinks me the same?
I'm still the reason she shines on,
And my journey is her's to light.

These 3 stanza's sounded more like you are God. Ha ha. But then, these stanza's were explained beautifully. Well done! ^.^

Picklesole wrote:My steps are bouncing once again,
And I no longer can
Undertand the hunch-backed sorrows
Who I once accepted as my friends.

My journey is coming to a halt,
My goal not far away
But don't worry, O' Sweet Sun
You can still light my way

Through troubles and through pleasures
I've made it here today
Now as I'm lowered to my grave
I see the sky starting to cry
Please! Don't worry1, I've done the impossible! I've made
I've made the journey of my lifetime.

The 1st stanza quoted here, was really good though I was confused in what ways does it combine with the poem?

The 2ND stanza was touching. It's like your telling the Sun, not to worry. Its like your the Sun's sibling.

The 3RD stanza, was awesomely awesome! xD

Also, I must say, this poem was kind of different. So, keep up that job too. Many YWSer reviewers love different kinds of poem! Who would want to read a boring, old, same topic? I don't think anyone can bear that!

Overall: I can feel that you're an extremely good poet and I want you to continue. You can do far better than this but maybe a 7/10 for this poem.

Keep Writing, Mate ~

Cookie

Thanks for the comments! Yeah, I'll definately try to work with the flow of the whole things. Thanks for all the tips!

All in all i think your poem was alright. It could be better, as said by Katie it would probably help if you broke up your lines differently. It does change the flow of the poem. It did make sense but not all of it seemed to go together, at least in my opinion. Keep working at it and you will get better. Practice makes perfect.