Young Writers Society

ONLY AT THE APOCALYPSE

only at the apocalypse
do the poets run out of words
their hands tearing their papers
blood beading at their raw paper-cuts

only at the apocalypse
do the clowns cry
their painted faces twisted
and running down their chins

only at the apocalypse
do the clouds no longer rain
no thunder to split them open
cotton by cotton

only at the apocalypse
does the window refuse to open
shards of broken glass
shattered on the ground

only at the apocalypse do the elephants forget
the lovers hate
the corpses rise
and the laughter chokes

many have seen their apocalypse.
come, friend.
take my hand.
it's our turn next.
- by madison (gingerhead)


HEY GUYS I'M NEW AT THIS...TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?

I think it was great. I like the theme and the repeating line Only at the apocalypse. The idea is great but when you get to the line about the elephants it threw me a bit. Other than that you only have one period in the whole thing and no capital letters. Just work on it a bit.
Overall I liked it.
-Panda

I really liked the opening lines! It's very catchy and I love the imagery of poets running out of words, especially since the image is so contradictory. Poets are not supposed to run out of words! So, that makes it neat.

A couple of things... you start off really strong with an excellent hook, and then your images get weaker and weaker to the point where it looks like you can barely describe what you mean without relying on tired cliches. Elephants forgetting is a cliched, lovers hating is a typical contradiction, and laughter choking is vague (why did you use the word "laughter"?) Corpses rising is more interesting because it evokes religious beliefs, but that's about all. So, instead of ending on a weak note, make sure you end on the strongest note possible.

I know you know how to write because your first stanza is so powerful. So, don't be afraid to do what you did then. Use startling imagery and expand on it. It will be much better than you thought it would be.

Best of luck!