Young Writers Society

My emotions sway over the ocean.
And I ended up at the fisherman’s dock.
There’s a girl here fishing, and her brother is skipping rocks.
The moons too far back and I can’t reach.
This low tide, low pride, low self-esteem is dragging me under.
Like an anchor to the bottom of the sea.
The chain links are loops upon loops of memories that used to be.
Down here the sea life looks at me suspicious.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EarYYMKf ... e=youtu.be

That video is neat. ^^;;

Anyway, when I was watching the video, I noticed two things that I wanted to bring up.

My emotions sway over the ocean.
And I ended up at the fisherman’s dock.

I think that the journey, in this case, is really important and you should probably expand on this more. In the video, it sounded really abrupt. I realize you want to go to the next part, but I think it is correct that the journey is sometimes better than the destination. So, keep that in my mind.

Next is that the last line seems awfully anti-climatic. I think you might be better off if you expanded what you wrote.

Mind you, this is good and I love the imagery and everything. But, it looks like your beginnings and endings need a little revising. The middle looks fine.

Best of luck!