Young Writers Society

If I could shoot into the sky
and pass by stars so very nigh
and fly without paying a fee,
still, I wouldn't be close to free.

If I could summon all my powers
and somehow manage to turn back hours
to any time I'd want to see,
still, this would not satisfy me.

If I could dance for half the night,
if I could capture gold sunlight,
if I could have one dream come true,
I'd only wish to be with you.

But the stars, sun, and moonlight, too,
declare I cannot be with you.
They demand our seperation,
much and much to my heart's frustration.

But if there comes a magic day,
and you can manage to slip away,
I'll meet you at the river's shore
and love you 'til there is no more.

I really hate when people try to mold my pieces into theirs so I won't point out every little thing you could adjust. (Really, there isn't many, anyway.)

First of all, I really love this poem! It has a dark feeling to it but has a kind of nursery rhyme feel - which is not a bad thing. Usually I shy away from rhyming in poems but I think it suits this one.

I have one suggestion: I feel like because you had three stanzas staring with 'If I could' (I liked the repetition by the way) and then you started the last 2 stanzas with 'But', I wanted one more 'But' stanza. If that makes any sense?

Anyway, I really liked it. Thanks for sharing and always keep writing!

Wow, this is really powerful and quite adorable. (Hey look, I made a rhyme. xD) It kind of reminds me of this Japanese legend about two lovers Hikoboshi-sama and Orihime-sama. Orihime was a talented weaver and because of her talents and hard work, she was not allowed to fall in love. Out of concern, her father set her up with a farmer on the other side of the river whose name was Hikoboshi. The two quickly feel in love but because of their love, Orihime quit weaving. Outraged, her father seperated the two lovers on different sides of the river and forbade them to meet again. Orihime became deeply depressed and so the father allowed them to meet on the 7th day of the 7th month each year. It's a sad story but it did make me think deeply about your poem. Great job and can't wait to read more of your works. ;D

MOIMOW!! I LOVE THIS PIECE SO MUCH! The rhythm and rhyming are just perfect, and I don't think you need to do anything to change it. I didn't even see any grammar problems!

My favorite part of this entire thing is:

MOIMOW wrote:if I could capture gold sunlight,
if I could have one dream come true,
I'd only wish to be with you.

KEEP WRITING THESE EXCELLENT POEMS!!! They're great!!!!!! This is my all time favorite type of poetry style.
Well, that's it for the encouragement! I hope you were quite encouraged!