Young Writers Society

Dream on.

Walk, walk,
gentlemen
straight and tall
with your black trench coats and umbrellas
Colgate white teeth
and blackened tobacco lips.
Walk, walk.

Talk, talk,
ladies
like the sea-side’s seagulls -
throwing shit at the passers-by.
With your Starbucks lattes
and your leather Vuittons.
Talk, talk.

Play, play,
children
throw your lives down the gutters;
there’s no point,
for later you’ll get (sexually) active
and waste it all.
Play, play.

Dream, dream,
my friend,
‘tis all an illusion.
You're walking straight to Hell,
those Teddy Bears tell such cruel lies
controlled by money, and you’ve been played. Just
dream, dream.

I love the bluntness of this poem. It's very refreshing.
I have some questions/comments/suggestions:

Dream on. Love the title. Fits it perfectly.

Walk, walk,
gentlemen
straight and tall
with your black trench coats and umbrellas
Colgate white teeth
and blackened tobacco lips.
Walk, walk.

Talk, talk,
ladies
like the sea-side’s seagulls -
throwing shit at the passers-by. Love this line.
With your Starbucks lattes
and your leather Vuittons.
Talk, talk.

Play, play,
children
throw your lives down the gutters;
there’s no point,
for later you’ll get (sexually) active I think you need to make your message in this stanza clearer. Did you mean that kids will get older, have sex, get pregnant and waste their life raising a child? That's how I read it.
and waste it all.
Play, play.

Dream, dream,
my friend,
‘tis all an illusion.
You're walking straight to Hell,
those Teddy Bears tell such cruel lies Again, love this line. It's a great image.
controlled by money, and you’ve been played. Just Umm, did you mean the Teddy Bear is controled by money? that's how it looks.
dream, dream.

I liked the repetition. I think it worked for this. I really liked it. *goes and clicks like button*

Good luck and write always!

Marco.
Tsk Tsk.
Must you be so depressed? I mean, what is with us lately? I'm writing about Dead friends that don't exist, and you're writing about people walking to Hell.
We need some happy juice. I KNOW. LETS GO GET SO PUMPKIN JUICE.
OR we could work on Amore. We'll do that later. I keep meaning to tell you, I'm planning out scenes in my mind. Do you do that? I'm doing that for my Nano too.
I hate that I can't start it. I don't think I can wait however many days. GR. I hate it. HATE IT.



Anyway, cheer up <3
~AnnaSpark

Dear Mikko,
I love it and understand it perfectly!! I wouldn't change a thing! I love the symbolism and deepness of the piece. I feel how you feel which is a really good thing I think you should take that gift and take advantage of it!!Keep writing you are amazing!!!
<3

Marquito --MARCO. I'm here.

Well, I suppose I'll just leap right in.

Walk, walk,
gentlemen(,)
straight and tall
with your black trench coats and umbrellas(,)
Colgate white teeth
and blackened tobacco lips.
Walk, walk.

Now, I can tell what you're attempting with your words, but honestly I'm not quite sure it sounds so smooth as you intend, Mikko darling. First off, the opening line, does nothing for me. It sounds like you're conducting a bland order. And the word walk in itself isn't very interesting to the mind to read. Strut sounds prettier. But there's probably far more that could be done with this opening stanza to improve it than simply altering the word.

Now, as for descriptions, they don't quite pack much punch as I would've liked to have seen. Colgate white teeth? Are you talking about Ryan Seacrest? Come on Mikko, think outside the box a little. I know you have better than this. And then you proceed to blackened tobacco lips. That doesn't quite roll off the tongue, you see. The comparison is dry. Again, attempt to be a little more creative here, Marco. ;]

And again, by ending this the way you did, I'm not sure if you're attempting to fork out some kind of poetic rhythm, but by creating repetition this way, you're not really achieving anything in the grand scheme of things. I'd nix it. even though it seems a sort of theme as for the opening and closing of each of your stanzas. I think you can do better.

Talk, talk,
ladies(,)
like the sea-side’s seagulls -
throwing shit at the passers-by.
With your Starbucks lattes
and your leather Vuittons.
Talk, talk.

H'okay. so this one line you have in here, throwing shit at the passers-by, I can't say I really am a fan of it. I've seen writers go ahead with inserting semi-crude lines like this in their poetry, but normally it fits the mood of their piece. Here I don't think it fits. Overall, their isn't much said here. You're very brief and to the point. Too much so I believe. Your descriptions seem to become teenier and teenier. Less involved. Fluff up your words some?

Also, on a side note, shouldn't Vuittons have a Louis attached to the front of it? Unless you're shortening it purposely. Which in any case I don't understand. It sounds a bit odd to me.

Play, play,
children(.)
Throw your lives down the gutters;
there’s no point,
for later you’ll get (sexually) active
and waste it all.
Play, play.

I don't get why you've gone and parenthesized sexually here. The line in itself, even without the parenthesis, doesn't quite seem to derive a strong message. It seems a bit forced. You don't quite lead into anything I notice. This saddens me! D: Other than this though, I really don't have much to say. There isn't much to say in regards to a stanza this small and this lacking --in a general sense. As an audience, I'd like to see you fork out some of that raw inspired intelligence your poetic thought seems to be struggling with. O.O

Dream, dream,
my friend,
‘tis all an illusion.
You're walking straight to Hell,
those Teddy Bears tell such cruel lies
controlled by money, and you’ve been played. Just
dream, dream.

Right here in this stanza when you say You're walking straight to hell, that right there is playing it obvious. I don't like obvious. I don't think anyone reading poetry likes obvious. this one line here seems to shape the whole point of your poem, and you've merely gone ahead and blurted through it as if it were nothing. The point of poetry, I think, is to shape your words around your thoughts, and paint a larger picture with it. Anyone can say point blank what they feel or what they perceive --or how they perceive. There's no need to have lines like this. Remove it. And instead of putting something else like it in, try reworking the whole idea of your poem into a graceful leap into your point.

All in all, I do think this could probably use a little more love and attention. I suppose that's about all I have to say here though. Will get to your other poem soon. xD

-Smylin

Is this a song or a poem?

Dream, dream,
my friend,
‘tis all an illusion.
You're walking straight to Hell,
those Teddy Bears tell such cruel lies
controlled by money, and you’ve been played. Just
dream, dream.

kind of cool eithr way!

Heya there:) Thanks for requesting me, and sorry if I'm a bit late:)

with your black trench coats and umbrellas

- this line is a bit too long for the stanza, in my opinion. Put the umbrellas onto a line below, and add an adjective to it - the poem will flow nicer.

With your Starbucks lattes
and your leather Vuittons.

- this is much better, I love this bit.

for later you’ll get (sexually) active

- the (sexually) bit is a bit awkward. Especially, because it's in brackets. I don't quite understand what message you want to put across by using those brackets. May I suggest something instead of sexually active, for example "you'll start making love", or something along those lines.

Dream, dream,
my friend,
‘tis all an illusion.

- I really like this bit as well. Very nice.

You're walking straight to Hell,

- I agree with smylinG here, it's too much of an obvious line. Maybe: "You all know where you're heading"..?

those Teddy Bears tell such cruel lies

- I like the message put across in this line, how you contrast teddy bears (childhood memories, happiness and trust) to cruel lies, something contradictory. Made me think.

like the sea-side’s seagulls -
throwing shit at the passers-by.

- very bold saying here, but I don't think it fits very well. Seagulls are a good image of people who are ignorant and think too much of themselves, but I would replace the shit with something else.

Overall - I think the title fits perfectly with the poem, and the poem itself is dark, but very true in some way. Very deep, and written very well, I love the descriptions you use to convey your feelings, especially in the bit about the ladies. Very well done, sir. *clap*
Keep this up, and I am now going to go on to your next poem.
polly xx

Marquito --MARCO. I'm here.

Have I told you I hate you, Smil?
HE IS MINE. MY MARCO BEAR.

Other than that, I loffles you.