Young Writers Society

Being my very first, It does have a lot of faults, though I still like to look upon it from time to time and realize how I first started with my writing...

I was lost
I was cold
at what cost?
I wasn’t told

I thought I was ready
I thought I was safe
They told me to be weary
But I couldn’t escape

Unprepared and unfinished,
I felt the need to be punished
But when my fears overcame,
I realized this wasn’t a game

I did my best,
With what I was blessed;
I used my mind
But the answers were hard to find

I tried and persevered;
Until the end neared
I thought I did well,
To go through that hell

The result did come,
Though not good for some
The turn was mine
And I got seventy-nine!

I felt satisfied and relieved
At something I never believed
To come true for me
This must have been my destiny.

But I couldn’t forget that day
On which the price I’ve yet to pay
It haunts me even now
Though I don’t know how

I was longing to be free
The day I found myself

At sea.

This is a really good poem. It can be used for anything in life. What I was thinking in my mind while reading this poem is, that life is full of surprises. It's almost like a battle to achieve something you feared you wouldn't. That's why I love this poem; I didn't find anything that should be improved.

Hey!

This starts out simply, but then it somehow descends into confusion and something a bit murky and hard to pin down as a feeling. I guess that represents diving into the water, right? Still, these stanzas threw me off:

I felt satisfied and relieved
At something I never believed
To come true for me
This must have been my destiny.

But I couldn’t forget that day
On which the price I’ve yet to pay
It haunts me even now
Though I don’t know how

I don't know why, but this gives it a non-sequitor feel. Like the seventy-nine was actually a bad score, and will haunt you later, if you look at it like a perfectionist? I know this is an emotion born of feelings so it doesn't have to be completely spelled out, but that's just what I'm taking away from this. Another hint as to why there is a "price yet to pay" in the poem would make it even more intriguing. Also, "although" would be used instead of "though", unless you're going for super-casual playground dialect.
All in all, it's a good poem, you can improve it by clarifying what you mean in the stanzas above just a little, while keeping it a bit mysterious and open to reader interpretation.

Hi Murtuza,

Alright. Settling in for what could be a very long review.

SO.....first of all, I do like your general idea. My very favorite bit of this is your last three lines...just a nice solid satisfying ending. Sort of like eating a chocolate cake...

Now, I have some nitpicks for you. The first of these is your rhyme scheme. I was a bit confused by this. The first two stanzas seem to be something in the way of an ABAB rhyme scheme, and then after that it's more of a AABB. Also, not all of your rhymes really rhyme...such as ready and weary or safe and escape (second stanza). I'm not a rhyming person, personally feeling that rhyming poems often come out as seeming overly stiff and unrealistic. I don't mind a good rhyming scheme, but I feel that if you're going to rhyme, it needs to be smooth and, well, flawless (yes, that's quite a lot to ask). But I do think you can make a few tweaks by making your scheme consistent throughout and maybe trying to match up some of your rhymes a little more carefully.

Secondly, I want to comment on your use of meter. Basically, it's not very consistent. In this sort of poem each stanza sort of stands alone and I think it's acceptable for the stanzas not to have exactly the same meter as long as the overall product is cohesive. That said, within each stanza the meter needs to be accurate. Try reading each stanza out loud to yourself as you write it and make sure it has that sing-song perfect lilting flow.

I don't know how many poems you've written since this one but my advice for this sort of thing is: practice, practice practice. The more poems you write AND read, the better a feel you'll get for how they should flow.

Content-wise I really enjoyed your poem, light with a dash of melodrama but not weighted with the serious topics that most people tend to choose. Nice work!

I hope this proves helpful
Sarebear