Young Writers Society

I've been lost in my sorrow and self-pity for months
Ever since that sun in the horizon turned to a bluff
Winter set in like the roar of angry March
And here it is to stay, my little lamb caught in a crunch

You stole my sun, my golden ray of light
Now you cause me to crash into depression like the year of 1929
A crash of hope, no more faith left in the people
I lay my deadened flesh down to pray at the steeple

The day that you leave will be the re-birth of me
If only time could turn back would I prevent the death of she
I'll fly her to the moon to save her from your claws
To maybe stop a death that is too worthy of its fall

The sun that sets in the morning shines forth to me
To return a fallen lover to regain love and see
That the winter wonder haven that had served as your home
Is nothing compared to my warmth that satisfies the lone

This is really sad. So sad. I think you have a really great grasp of language, especially emotive imagery. I can't see much to criticise about this, except to make a suggestion. I feel like the rhyming system, or rhyming at all, is really letting you down. It's great work, you write really beautifully, but rhyming in poetry seems like a bit of a cop out. I guess that is really a matter of opinion, but I think your work would sound so much more fluent and mature if it didn't rhyme. Great work. Really really great.

Hey, dogs here. So this poem is great, i hate the winter myself and much prefer the heat of the sun so i can totally relate to this. And just curious where do you live cause where i live sun goes out in like october. Firstly this flows really nicely but my only problem is that with some of your lines it doesn't make sense. It may be because i can be kinda stupid some times but here is an example.

"nothing compared to my warmth that satisfies my lone"

My lone? Like my lonesome self? I know your throwing this in there to make it rhyme but it kind of obscures the meaning to me. Also when you say:

"Crash into depressing like the year of 1929"

Oh, this really throws it off for me because it doesn't rhyme with light and it seems a little random. For incompetent fools like me i don't know what happened on the year or is it a personal thing to you (doubt it).

I know i am about to contradict myself here but you don't have to rhyme every line or at all. But if you choose not to rhyme just be sure that it is smooth and flows well.

But apart from those 2 tiny nitpicks this is a great poem and i really enjoyed it! Keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey very nicely written, the poem flowed nicely. I especially like the last stanza, seemed almost hypnotic. Keep it up