Young Writers Society

Falling
Apart
Am I

In pieces
Before you
I lie

Needing
Your guidance
I try

To call out
To the world
Hear me cry:

My new face,
My true face,
My unfathomably
You face,
I wear in the world
Cause I can,

It wants you,
Yearns for your
Trust and your world

Because

Falling
Apart
Am i


"I have holes in me without you.”
*If anyone would care to inquire about the quote, feel fre to ask...

Hey that was really good, but at the end make sure to but in my heart or something like that. Because my perverted side saw and it cracked up laughing. My favorite part was well all of it, it was really good!

Hello!

I like how you invertend your sentences in this, it makes it sound a little wierd but to people who haven't read many things written like that, if that makes sence

Just a few nit picks for you:

Needing
Your guidance
I try

When I read this I paused after "I try" and that made the next line a little awkward sounding.

To call out
To the world
Hear me cry:

My new face,
My true face,

I like these lines

My unfathomably
You face,

This doesnt make sence to me, what is unfathomable? Are you saying the person faces something or are you calling the face you waer a "you" face? If so you should have quotations around "you" That seems like it would make more sence because i was stuck here.

It wants you,
Yearns for your
Trust and your world

It seems that this should be invertend to, so it should read like this :

"You it wants
Your trust your world
it yearns for"

Unless you didn't invert that on perpose, I just think that starting and carring on with the invertion like you did this all should be.

Other then that I really liked this

~Rain

I ended it and felt this heart felt. Keep at the poetry. I like the way yu broke up the stanzas and lines,nit really communicated the tonenof the story you were trying to tell. This would be brilliant if you had created a song for this I would like to see what instruments you would use. Why and how. That would be lovely. Anyway just a thought. Have a nice evening

Heartfelt, if not simplistic.

Did manself forget to capitalize the last "I"?

Without trying to sound like a parade-pisser-onner, the fragmented style (though bold!) hindered my otherwise enthusiastic entry into your piece, I had some troubz. Try reading that mother-f***er aloud to see if it slides of the tongue like an greased python, or experimenting with a structure to curtail your passions into a neat rhombus-like shape. Shakespeare managed to write some bitchin' poems while adhering to the sonnet structure, so your creative substance...need not be lost!

This is good I love it it's very happy but sad at the same time