Young Writers Society

I wrote this along time ago and decided I might as well see what people thought! I don't really write a lot of poetry anymore. I'm more of a fiction writer but I still enjoy writing poems every once in awhile. Enjoy! And leave me feedback!

Everybody said that there was something between us.
They all thought we had a chance,
but then you left and you made it clear
That we had a dead romance.

If only you knew
what I wanted to say,
then maybe we would be
together today.

You left me alone.
You walked out the door.
You took my heart and left me
alone on the floor.

Maybe someday you'll
see your mistake
but until that moment
I'm lost and afraid.

Hi bookworm,

It's a pity you don't write poetry more often because I sure like this piece. The predicament of romance lost and the various effects have been portrayed vividly. Short and not complicated, it has an easy language with simple use of words.

My only nit-pick would be that the first line is too big and throws off the rhythm of it all. This poem has a lot of potential to be great, however, I still find myself empty and wanting for more from the poem. go through the poem a plenty number of times and find places that you can alter/change so that you can make it even better than it already is.

A good poem with a good rhyme and a solid structure. I want to read more from you! Keep the ink flowing and come back to writing more poetry!

Murtuza

Hi bookworm,

I like this poem, it's not too complex or difficult to understand, and flows quite well. You made your points very clear, and supported the issues of the poem very well with your use of language. The only thing I would say, however, is that perhaps the inconsistency of length between the first stanza and the rest caused a disturbance in the flow. Overall though, I thought your message was well presented, and your heartache could be felt by all of the audience. I hope you return to writing poetry, because I certainly feel as though you have some talent!

Hey! I personally enjoy writing poems (especially about this topic) so I will try to give you some useful edits!

Okay, so the main issue I am having while I read this is that the rhythm of the poem is thrown off by the syllables. Some lines have way too many and others don't have enough. Having choppy syllables makes it hard for the reader to connect with the message. I did notice that you were following an ABCB for the first three stanzas...but then not on the fourth stanza. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but it always stands out when the writer deviates from the rhyme scheme somewhere in their poem and is usually used to stress a main point.

KEY
# of syllables --> orange
comments --> blue

Everybody said that there was something between us. 13 This line is kind of wordy, try to sum it up in less words.
They all thought we had a chance, 7 Who are they?
but then you left and you made it clear 8
That we had a dead romance. 7 I loved these last two lines!

If only you knew 5
what I wanted to say, 6
then maybe we would be 5
together today. 5
The last two lines of this stanza seem too broken up and forced.

You left me alone. 5
You walked out the door. 5
You took my heart and left me 7
alone on the floor. 5
Too many "you"s. Maybe try to make it less personal and instead, describe the feelings of the person left alone on the floor. How did they feel when they were left alone? What caused the falling out? Show us...don't just tell us.

Maybe someday you'll 5
see your mistake 4
but until that moment 6
I'm lost and afraid. 5
Where did they rhyme go? It is hard for me to get closure from this last stanza because it is lacking format and structure.

In the beginning there was a lot of syllables in each line, but as the poem went on it seemed like you sunk into a grove and began to use similar amounts of syllables. Cleaning these numbers up so they don't deviate so much could really add some more dimension to your poem!

Remember, when it comes to poetry...less is more. The fewer words you can use to convey a big message - the more powerful a poem can be. Also, the more you can SHOW the reader what is happening instead of just TELLING them, the more unique and emotional the poem becomes. Anyone can tell what happened, but it makes you a writer when you can make your words paint a picture.

I'm not sure how much time you were planning on putting into this poem, so feel free to use what comments apply! (I'm also sorry if some of my comments come off as a little harsh -- that was not the intent.) Keep writing!

-Jessa

Hey there bookworm! After reading your piece several times I thought it was good. The flow of it was a little off and once i felt confused but overall I think you did a really superb job. Also, I do enjoy the title of the poem. I think you could have made the poem a little longer which would have given it that extra WOW. I do give you props for writing this when you don't focus on poetry that much anymore. Good job!