Young Writers Society

The night which dives onto all of the
pavements, grass, eyelashes,
runs into the glass of my bedroom window
and seeps through it.

I feel cold underneath my creamy blue jumper.
My arms are colder than that time
you touched me with your
frozen fingertips and turned my skin blue.

It was beautiful, the exchange of your icicles to me,
but I'd rather have love over your
harsh sapphire temperatures,
I'd rather die of adoration so hot than your touch so cold.
written: Tuesday 31st August 2004, 8:54pm.

"I'd rather die of adoration so hot than your touch so cold." That confused me. I don't know why.

I like this. Good job, and i understood it.

You have good writing skills, Liz, but you are getting so caught up with changing your writing style into all fancy descriptions, you are forgetting to actually explain the situation, or write it so it makes sense. You just have to relax with your writing, and get back to the basics. I know what I am talking about, I used to try to write too fancy for my own good. But Liz, you have a better way with words than I do, you just have to write it so it makes a little more sense. It took me a while to understand.

I'm sorry if I sounded too critical Liz, I know I can be. I didn't mean it how it sounded though. I meant this in a kind way. Anyways, I think you can do well in your writing career.

Thanks guys. Dreami: don't worry, I don't think you're being too critical! I like constructive criticism, it really helps. The thing is, my poetry makes complete sense to me and I sometimes forget that other people read it. Maybe it's selfish, but I do write purely for myself, so that's why I'm hard to understand sometimes.

Liz, how you said that you write this and it makes perfect sense to you, you totally hit on the main part of good poetry. Alot of poetry is written in a way that the author understands. That's what makes good poets great, when they can allow the readers to understand their feelings, so the readers are allowed to stroll into the writers mind. And if you write for yourself, thats good. You don't have to get caught up in the craze of writing for others. I do the same, I writer purely for myself, I express my feelings, and once in awhile, the feelings or how I feel about others.

-Dreami

I totally understood this. And it was totally great.
I feel cold underneath my creamy blue jumper.
My arms are colder than that time
you touched me with your
frozen fingertips and turned my skin blue. <---That stanza was so awesum! I really like the discription on the first line there!

This was amazing! The first stanza was my favourite.

The night which dives onto all of the
pavements, grass, eyelashes,
runs into the glass of my bedroom window
and seeps through it.

The imagery was brilliant through the whole thing but it really stoof out there.

Keep up the great work.

My arms are colder than that time
you touched me with your

this is awkwardly broken up because what i think at first is that your arms are colder than a particular time period. like the ice age or something.
what might be more effective is

my arms are colder than
the time you blah blah etc

the exchange of your icicles to me

there is a problem with the use of the word "exchange" here, because he may be giving his icicles to you (fallic! fallic! sorry.) but what are you giving to him in return?



the first stanza was wonderful.

Hey, this is good, Liz. But just remember that to make the poem flow, you've gotta have stanzas that match, or sound equal. Think about syllabals. (is that the right spelling?!)
~Micah~