Young Writers Society

Petrified.
Those lids refuse to close
Perhaps, they will cease to open once more?
I’m I beholding my final scenery of life?
Soon to become another haunting memory
floating between nightmare
worlds and reality

Long ago dreams of flying,
Diving fearlessly into the unknown,
To see my reflection
Scattered across every star,
has now, taken its last breath

Polluted with this world’s temptations
Choked in slaughtered blood
Awaiting final judgement
Stretching for the Redeeming Hand
To soar beyond or forever drown

Blue pool of mystery above now plays,
The song composed by a troubled heart
Written with its black ink of sorrow
Weeping the sweet melody
accompanied by her orchestra
of tears
Now come falling
Showering me
with my own notes of grief
Comforting me
by the creations of my fears
To rid this journey’s filth

So easy to bury a blade into my beating heart
Aches stone cold against my final flow of blood
And unload this burden of earthly being
To shut down a mind that has long craved the peace

… maybe then I’ll finally fly

look into the mirror
and be once
satisfied

it was really good.
But it made me depressed.
I'm sick of all this depression. but yay for you....

Yeah, it is really good. The only thing that confused me was in the second stanza the first line says "dreams of flying" and then the last line "has now, taken IT"S last breath". I think you should say either "the dream of flying" or "have now taken their last breaths".

But it was great. Depressing, but extremely beautiful. I loved the last stanza. Actually, I loved the whole thing. Great job.

Petrified.
Those lids refuse to close
Perhaps, they will cease to open once more?

One small thing, you contradict "refuse to close" with the phrase"cease to open". If possible, could you please explain this to me?

To see my reflection
Scattered across every star

This is a good phrase, as I like the imagery it creates and it captures interest to the reader.

One thing though, that is slightly confusing is when you talk about yourself flying, and your "reflection scattered across every star", yet you say "has taken its last breath". Unless "you" are an "it", I cannot comprehend this idea.

The fourth stanza is very well, emotively written.

Blue pool of mystery above now plays,
The song composed by a troubled heart
Written with its black ink of sorrow
Weeping the sweet melody
accompanied by her orchestra
of tears
Now come falling
Showering me
with my own notes of grief
Comforting me
by the creations of my fears
To rid this journey’s filth

I especially like this part. It is probably the best part of the poem because of the way the music is combining itself with the emotions she/he/(you) feel.
It creates not only imagery, but also a faint song in the background.

The final part:
--- maybe then I'll fly

look into the mirror
and be once
satsfied

This is good, although I would bring out a minor detail about the new line in "once" and "satisfied". I find it better to read it so that there is a pause after "mirror" and continue reading until the end. The new line at "satisfied" sort of put me off a bit, and stopped the flow temporarily. A minor detail though.

Another minor point: I’m I beholding my final scenery of life? (grammar):D

It is a good, emotional poem, which has great potential in the future! Although I have no interest in this particular style of poetry, you have captured interest by combining emotions with images, which is so much better than the cliched "I feel like it is the end of my life and I am all alone in this world." type-poems.

Keep writing

Janice

[quote="BlackDaisy"]Yeah, it is really good. The only thing that confused me was in the second stanza the first line says "dreams of flying" and then the last line "has now, taken IT"S last breath". I think you should say either "the dream of flying" or "have now taken their last breaths".

But it was great. Depressing, but extremely beautiful. I loved the last stanza. Actually, I loved the whole thing. Great job.[/quote]

thanks! yeah you're right about that, i didn't notice, but from now on it's 'their' not 'its'

[quote="janice"][i]Petrified.
Those lids refuse to close
Perhaps, they will cease to open once more?[/i]

One small thing, you contradict "refuse to close" with the phrase"cease to open". If possible, could you please explain this to me?

[i][color=blue]it is the idea of someone afraid to close their eyes, in case they will never open again[/i][/color]


[i]To see my reflection
Scattered across every star[/i]

This is a good phrase, as I like the imagery it creates and it captures interest to the reader.

One thing though, that is slightly confusing is when you talk about yourself flying, and your "reflection scattered across every star", yet you say "has taken its last breath". Unless "you" are an "it", I cannot comprehend this idea.

[color=blue][i]yeah it refers to the dreams taking their last breath, so it's duppose to be 'their'[/color][/i]

The fourth stanza is very well, emotively written.

[i]Blue pool of mystery above now plays,
The song composed by a troubled heart
Written with its black ink of sorrow
Weeping the sweet melody
accompanied by her orchestra
of tears
Now come falling
Showering me
with my own notes of grief
Comforting me
by the creations of my fears
To rid this journey’s filth
[/i]
I especially like this part. It is probably the best part of the poem because of the way the music is combining itself with the emotions she/he/(you) feel.
It creates not only imagery, but also a faint song in the background.

[color=blue][i]thanks[/i][/color]

The final part:
[i]--- maybe then I'll fly

look into the mirror
and be once
satsfied[/i]

This is good, although I would bring out a minor detail about the new line in "once" and "satisfied". I find it better to read it so that there is a pause after "mirror" and continue reading until the end. The new line at "satisfied" sort of put me off a bit, and stopped the flow temporarily. A minor detail though.

[i][color=blue]ok i'll think about that[/color][/i]

Another minor point: [i]I’m I beholding my final scenery of life? [/i] (grammar):D

[color=blue][i]yeah, it's meant to be 'im'[/i][/color]

It is a good, emotional poem, which has great potential in the future! Although I have no interest in this particular style of poetry, you have captured interest by combining emotions with images, which is [u]so[/u] much better than the cliched[i] "I feel like it is the end of my life and I am all alone in this world." [/i] type-poems.

Keep writing

Janice[/quote][u][i]

[color=blue][i]overall, thankyou for the comments, that really helped![/i][/color][/i][/u]

graveyard_dream wrote:thanks! yeah you're right about that, i didn't notice, but from now on it's 'their' not 'its'

Hey shouldn't it be "my" because you are talking about yourself flying?

Janice

no, i was refering to the dreams, it is saying that the dreams themselves died, not the person.