Young Writers Society

Its like a sixth sense I carried through his presence
the smell of his cologne flows around him
the breath-taking words he says in every sentence
those eyes that can hypnotize anyone who sees him

I can tell when hes around before he walks in the room
I smile before he actually comes toward me
his hair always looks like it was professionally styled with its gloom
his beauty matches mine than anyones can be

Until, the day he looked me in the eyes
said sweetly that he admired my beauty and mind
and that true love, never dies
It's when then, I found out he felt that way for a long time

Dear kaylamarie004,

kaylamarie004 wrote:Its like a sixth sense I carried though his presence I suggest you revize the way this is phrased maybe you meant, "It's like a sixth sense I carried through his presence,"
the smell of his cologne flows around him
the breath-taking words he says in every sentence
those eyes that can hypnotize anyone who sees him

I can tell when hes around before he walks in the room
I smile before he actually comes toward me I suggest you remove the "actually" I think it disturbs the flow of the poem
his hair always looks like it was professionally styled with its gloom
his beauty matches mine than anyones can be I think what you meant to say is "his beauty matches mine more than anyone else's can"

Until, the day he looked me in the eyes
said sweetly that he admired my beauty and mind
and that true love, never dies
It's when then, I found out he felt that way for a long time I am not quite sure what you were trying to say I think it is something like: "It was then, I found that he had felt that way for a long time"

Other than what I stated above it is a really great poem! You are a good writer!
<3

I love your work it's really good poety is my fave thing in the world and also writing fantesy storys about my friends but still your work is good I'd like to see

I'd have to say that my major problem with this was your lack of apostrophes. Yes, I'm that kind of person who will freak over apostrophes. You need them in your contractions (it is - it's; he is - he's; etc.) and possessives except for pronouns (its, his, hers, my, etc.).

But, moving on. First stanza- actually, title. "Beauty's" should be "Beauties" for the proper pluralisation. Now, first stanza- Its should be "it's", I've seen someone else pointed out that "though" should be "through". I also think that if you're going to de-capitalise the last three lines, the first shouldn't be capitalised, so no capital I on "it's". In the third line, you're redundant: "words he says in every sentence" - perhaps "words he says with every breath"? Otherwise you're referencing words being said three times to the observant reader.

Second stanza- "hes" should be "he's". Third line... what is the purpose of the third line? I can tell the purpose in prose, but in poetry it's superfluous, excessive, silly. Why would you talk about - oh. The rhyme. You know, I think this poem can do without the rhyme; it's as superfluous as the third line. Without the rhyme, this could sound so much clearer and better. Last line, perhaps "his beauty matches mine more than anyone else's could"? (Which also sounds a little pretentious of the author, not typically something people look for in poetry.)

Third stanza- No comma after "until", perhaps "and" after "eyes", no comma after "love". After my nitpicks, it looks like the poem is spiralling down and feels unfinished - there was some form of strength before, but this is just... odd. A little weak. You know?

I don't hate the poem. I find it very difficult to hate poetry. I like it a little, not much, not very much: you need improvement like I need a hole in my head well, I need improvement too. Let's get better together, hm?