Young Writers Society

I wrote this in class when we were revising alliteration.

Sing me such a dainty song
and fill my heart with pride.
Bellow quite a brilliant ballad
and bring forth a rhyme.
Lull me with a lullaby
and walk within my dreams.
Touch me with a tepid tune
and warm me to the seams.

this is really good I love it

Hey there, Jaetwee!

This won’t take long, as you have a small piece here, but I want to take the time that it deserves and do some deconstructing of what you’ve written. By doing this, I hope that you’ll get a feel of what’s inside your poetry—what makes it tick.

So the main poetic element of this is alliteration, and I think you’ve done a keen job of keeping it well into moderation and not going overboard all at once. So as far as your poetic goal, you have it down-pat, though I’d like to see you experiment with the word “dainty” and try to give something with a bit more…umph, and a little less lace. It would also be a good plug for what could be another alliteration, but doesn’t have to be. You be the judge of that.

I’m not a fan of your double use of “___ me such a ___ ___.” Change up your phrasing to keep me interested, or this just becomes a passing ballad on a Thursday night.

Despite that criticism, however, you wrap things up quite nicely in the latter half of the poem. It’s not something that will be remembered by thousands, grant you, but who ultimately cares? This is a sweet love poem that has a consistent beat and carries poetic elements throughout. Honestly, I think you’ve done a fantastic job of both of those things. So despite what others may say, know that, contextually, you’ve done a riveting job with this.

My final criticism, and I told myself I wouldn’t say it, BUT.

You don’t need to capitalize the beginning of every line. Write poetry with either correct grammar or no grammar at all. Write intentionally, and know why you’re doing this. Of course, it’s poetry, so some people say “NO RULES” while others, like me, request that something be followed. Show one desire or the other, but don’t serve both masters.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions!

-Lumi

It's really good....I love it..Keep writing.

Hey, dogs here. First of all this is a very nice poem with lots of potential. I really like how short it is cause i am a big fan of short poems, and the alliteration puts a great spin on the poem making it flow really nicely. But i would suggest adding a little more depth to this poem because to the reader it sounds great but it dosn't have a great amount of emotion behind it. which is what makes a good poem a great poem, to me at least, a poem that is short and sweet but still has lots of emotion and flows like silk. But thats just me if you like it the way it is your a better judge of that then i am. Keep up the Good Work!!!!!








TuckEr EllsworTh

I absolutely adore it!
I think it flowed very well and it was short but sweet.
Nicely done,
I have no more comments for this other than that it was amazing.

Sincerely,
Ciara<3