Young Writers Society

I pity you

I used to look into your eyes and see kindness
I used to smile at you and you’d smile back
I used to talk to you and you’d chatter back
You used to say “You’re my friend”.

I look into your eyes now and see desperateness
I smile at you now and you scowl back
I talk to you now and you just ignore me
You say to me now “We were never friends”.

Why lie to everyone?
They all know we were friends
Why try so hard to fit in?
When you can be yourself.

I pity you.

This is a very good poem. I can feel your emotion as you tell it! Bravo.

"You used to say 'You’re my friend'". This line is very good, it's something that pretty much everyone can relate to.

Overall this is a fantastic poem and I can't wait to read more of your work!(: I would like to thank you for putting this up so that many others may enjoy it. Keep on writing.


--Maya

Wow, thankyou so much!

I'm also glad people can relate to it, that's what I was hoping would happen, but I wasn't sure! Thanks again!

Hi there, LostMoments. ^_^

Your first stanza is pretty good. You showed us what the situation is pretty well. We can see what's coming and that's good. Though, the 2nd and 3rd line seem pretty much like the same thing, and that doesn't make the reader excited about what they're reading. I'd recommend you to twist, add, bend your words and rephrase one of those lines.

The second stanza, I like it better than the first one. It shows what I was telling you about the first. You could've said: "I talk to you and you don't talk to me back", but you didn't. And that's what makes it beautiful.

The last stanza is just lovely. Lovely way to end a poem. Beautiful. It makes me want to read it again. And I love questions in a poem.

Overall, you're a great poet. ^_^ Thanks for sharing your talent with us. <3 Keep writing!

~Sol Valeria

Arw thanks for the advice!! I will keep that in mind for future poems, and I actually see where you're coming from and I agree!

I really liked the poem. It really hits home y'know? I can totally relate to the feelings expressed but I didn't feel "involved" in way. I hope that made sense. I felt the spark of sadness at the end that ignited the beginning of the poem.
Moving.

Aw, glad you liked it!
Okay, yeah I do kind of understand you, I'll keep that in mind when I next post a poem!
Thanks :')