Hear No Silence

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Reviews: 279

Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:32 pm

When you see the sign,
you'd want to cross the road.
No one soon knows why
urban decay takes hold

There is never silence;
the cars and the machines,
the traffic outside at night,
the flickers of another scene

Take a shortcut down
where the people once lived.
Now replaced with black smoke-
still feel like a lost little kid

And if they realised
the irony of it all,
then maybe it wouldn't be
so much as disgraceful

Babies always cry,
not just when I'm outside.
As the sun goes down,
you can hear their whines.

A place with cars, traffic, decay.
There is never silence.

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When you greet a stranger look at his shoes.
Keep your money in your shoes.

I was 567ajt

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Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:34 pm

Seraph says...

Wow! A mix of old and new! Birth and decay! Hope and melancholia! I think that you have written this in a beautiful manner! I can totally see everything in my head as I read it! It's like television with beauty! I think you have great potential! Keep writing! Don't stop!

"At this very instant, I augment the spacetime that permeates and weaves our beings."

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Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:38 pm

Seraph says...

"At this very instant, I augment the spacetime that permeates and weaves our beings."

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Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:43 pm

27017296 says...

Nice.

I understood what you were trying to describe, and it's really good.

Signatures are so 2011

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Sat Oct 29, 2011 2:08 am

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davantageous says...

When you see the sign,
you'd want to cross the road.
No one soon knows why
urban decay takes hold

There is never silence;
the cars and the machines,
the traffic outside at night,
the flickers of another scene

Take a shortcut down
where the people once lived.
Now replaced with black smoke-
still feel like a lost little kid

And if they
realised
realized

the irony of it all,
then maybe it wouldn't be
so much as disgraceful

Babies always cry,
not just when I'm outside.
As the sun goes down,
you can hear their whines.

A place with cars, traffic, decay.
there is never not a bustling day
Only because of one thing,

There is never silence.

Code: Select all: Overall a good poem. Great use of the environmental factors of everyday life. The noise of the city is always in the air, not just here and not just there, but instead, it's everywhere. Love and like this poem. Keep it up.

Davantageous

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Points: 768
Reviews: 28

Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:01 pm

Phoenix23 says...

This is really good. I liked the way you portrayed the theme. Yes, the streets are never silent and life keeps moving on. And yet, on the same streets there are signs that say perhaps, it won't always be so. Loved the concept. The imagery and the concept, as always was great. Keep going!

If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!
- Shel Silverstein

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Mon Oct 31, 2011 2:39 pm

Leahweird says...

This is so beautiful. Your theme is haunting. I'm in love with your rhyme scheme. It seems so delicate, and it perfectly complements what you are trying to say, rather thatn the other way around. This ,in my expierience, is something that's hard to do. You are a true word-smith.

The Enchantress

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=101258

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Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:08 pm

Nike says...

Hey! At first, when I saw the title, I thought this was going to be something a bit frightening. But, to my surprise, it wasn't. The fact that it wasn't was great

I truley love what you've written. It's about something no one would really take time to write about, the world outside. It is ironic, like you wrote. I just really love this, speechless.

Keep Writing!

Nike

“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”

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Fri Nov 04, 2011 5:56 am

IamHathor22 says...

Hey There -

I loved this. I saw it in the recommended section and couldn't resist!

The picture it paints was so vivid, so clear in my mind… I was astounded – you cram an entire masterpiece, the equivalent of Michelangelo into an eight stanza poem. An artist into a poet.

I love it.

I noticed this in another work of yours, and you seem to have a very unconventional approach to rhythm. But its effective. Take this stanza for example:

There is never silence;
the cars and the machines,
the traffic outside at night,
the flickers of another scene

I had to read it twice – it put me off a bit on the first go, but the second time – it flowed perfectly. You have to put each syllable into it’s place, and go from there. It is satisfying. That probably sounds crazy, but I am easily amused.

This was great. Your talent is comparable to that of Robert Frost. Good one, again.

Keep it up!!!
_IamHathor22

All I that know is that I know nothing
-Socrates

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Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:56 am

fred says...

Hi brother. I have arrived to review this "poem" of yours. So let's see first impressions:

When you see the sign,
you'd want to cross the road.
No one soon knows why
urban decay takes hold

Um, ok...? Has an idea to it, but feels a little bit off. Let's hope that the second stanza develops on this idea.

There is never silence;
the cars and the machines,
the traffic outside at night,
the flickers of another scene

??? This didn't make any sense. What scene? At night there is hardly any traffic because people are sleeping. What do you mean by "never silence"? Of course there is when you sleep.

Take a shortcut down
where the people once lived.
Now replaced with black smoke-
still feel like a lost little kid

Forced rhyming 101. The last line in particular is so cliched it repeatedly stabs me in my chest with a knife. If you are looking to develop an idea as unique as this, don't waste it with common phrases/rhymes. It just doesn't fit with the context of your poem.

And if they realised
the irony of it all,
then maybe it wouldn't be
so much as disgraceful

What is ironic? Who are they? Why wouldn't it be disgraceful? Who came first, the chicken or the egg? Huh?!

Babies always cry,
not just when I'm outside.
As the sun goes down,
you can hear their whines.

Babies are not pigs. They don't whine. When I wake up, I hear no babies crying.

A place with cars, traffic, decay.
There is never silence.

You even flopped the ending! That is an unforgivable sin in itself.

Overal, a unique idea has transformed into cliche, decadence and overall cheesiness. You need to edit this. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

Before you ask, I'm not the robot.

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Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Thu Dec 01, 2011 6:13 pm

Deanie says...

Heya aj!

I loved this poem. It was very clear and the poem was straight to the point. It was very easy to understand that the topic was pollution. And overall this poem was very enjoyable to read.

567ajt wrote:When you see the sign,
you'd want to cross the road.
No one soon knows why
urban decay takes hold

I didn't understand this verse and I didn't get how it related to all the others. Maybe there should be a different opening to this poem? Or maybe you need to make your message of what you are trying to say more clear.

567ajt wrote:There is never silence;
the cars and the machines,
the traffic outside at night,
the flickers of another scene

I like this stanza... I think it is my favourite of the whole poem. Very simplistic but has good meaning and introduces the topic.

567ajt wrote:Take a shortcut down
where the people once lived.
Now replaced with black smoke-
still feel like a lost little kid

Lukewarm feeling... But reasonably good stanza.

567ajt wrote:And if they realised
the irony of it all,
then maybe it wouldn't be
so much as disgraceful

Love it!

567ajt wrote:Babies always cry,
not just when I'm outside.
As the sun goes down,
you can hear their whines.
A place with cars, traffic, decay.
There is never silence.

Very good ending and sums up the whole poem perfect;y! I couldn't see a single grammar mistake and it was only the first stanza that I disliked. Very great poem!

Keep it up!

Deanie x

Trust in God and all else follows.

Deanie, dominating the world since it was cool @Pompadour, 2014
Your username reminds me of a hotdog @Stegosaurus, 2015
Tried to make puns out of your username, but every attempt has been Deanied @Candywizard, 2015

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Reviews: 152

Sat Jan 07, 2012 4:52 pm

Niebla says...

Hey ajt,

(Sorry for the lateness of the review.)

Anyway, to get to the point -- this is great! It creates such a vivid impression of the place you are describing here. I guess the thing I love the most of all is how you don't only describe the surroundings, but the feelings and thoughts they induce. You added a certain depth to this by describing not just the everyday happenings, but a hint of the darker side of a place like this.

Babies always cry,
not just when I'm outside.
As the sun goes down,
you can hear their whines.

For some reason, I just absolutely love this stanza. Though it's an almost bizarre thing to read, it creates such a vivid idea -- the idea of an unquiet place where nothing is ever still and there is never any rest -- the hum of the traffic, the whines of babies. It just creates such a vivid feeling and image. I love it.

A place with cars, traffic, decay.
There is never silence.

This is a great ending -- it both supports and finishes of what you've already shown through the poem.

To be honest, although this is a short review, I really can't think of anything else to suggest! This seems pretty perfect and polished already, so all I can suggest is that you keep on writing and writing with honesty, delving into the deeper realms of things which people pass by everyday and often don't think about.

~Mist~

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Sat Jan 07, 2012 8:16 pm

murtuza says...

Hey aj! ^.^

It's been a long time since I've read your stuff and right now, I'm really amazed at this piece. There's wonderful imagery here and great scenario that you've laid out for us. The title is so apt and captivating. I had to read this to know what the poem was about and I'm happy I did.

You've already got a lot of great reviews for this piece and there's not much that I can contribute. Nevertheless, I did find a few nit-picks but they're not really that serious. Just some suggestions or ideas that you may find useful in the future.

Now from the first stanza through the third stanza and the fifth stanza respectively, you've adapted a really nice half-rhyme scheme going on and it sounds very crisp and wonderful. Half-rhymes aren't always easy to appreciate since they are two different words with orientations unlike each other. But you've employed their use here quite well.

But in the fourth stanza, you've not kept it that way. It seems like you're deviating from your path or that maybe you've forgotten the route of the structure. And again, you continue with the rhyme scheme in the fifth stanza like nothing changed at all. So it all seems a bit abrupt and unforeseen. It's still a pretty good piece despite it all and holds good.

There were some parts here and there too where I felt the lines somehow felt unneeded or unnecessary and just acted as buffers so that the flow may continue without any hiccups. One such example in the third line of the fourth stanza -

then maybe it wouldn't be

Here, this line seems a tad too simple. Try using more expressive or descriptive words or better sounding words that coincide with the flow. But this is me being too picky about it, lol

All in all, a great poem and wonderfully written. Talent, aj. You've got it. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

It's not about the weight of what's spoken.

It's about being heard.

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Hear No Silence

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